ooc: how do all of Nikolaos' posts end up in bars?

How did she end up here? Again. Drinking? Again. Over and over again. Her cocktail dress was a simple halter, black of course- and her heels matched- cute little black pumps to grace her dainty feet. Where was Bill? Where had he gone? It wasn't fair. He had called- said he'd be busy, but that was it. She knew he cared about her- she really did, but honestly- was Fate trying to tell her something by making every man she loved leave her thinking she was worthless?

Nikolaos was far from worthless- far from pathetic. She was a vampiress dammit and she'd be damned if she got tangled in the whole "emotional" aspect of her undeath. She was simply sick of it. Every time she even bothered- they left. So maybe if she didn't try- didn't give a shit, they'd all simply leave her alone.

Yeah, she'd been depressed- she'd been pissed. Lately. And lately, she'd killed at least two a night. It was an unusual killing spree- and uncharacteristic of Nikki, but she felt she needed to inflict pain on someone- make someone hurt as much as she had. Life was a bitch- and if you were unlucky enough to run into Nikolaos at the dead of night and she was hungry- or merely bored.... it wasn't her fault you died. You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Too bad. So sad. She was beginning to be incapable of pity.

Maybe she wasn't even a true Nephim anymore? Every day she hated life just a little more. The only days she actually enjoyed waking up were the days she spent with Nechelle or Bill.

Maybe she was too drunk?

That might be why she was so depressed.

Eh, she didn't really care. It wasn't as if anyone could take advantage of her. She was too strong for that. Unless it was an ancient- but why the hell would an ancient be out trying to rape someone?

Oh yeah, she was drunk.

Her red hair waved and bounced as she shook her head at the bartender as he told her he'd be cutting her off.
"No," she murmured, forcing a little mental manipulation into her words.

A tequila slid across the wooden counter and she downed it in a matter of seconds.
"Mmmmmmmm,"

Trashed had never felt so good. It was so good- to be free- to forget. Even if it was just for one night. Even if she'd be in hell tomorrow night. It was worth it.

To forget.

To move on.

OOC: I was thinking the same thing... :)

Vincent had been watching Nikki getting slowly irrigated for the last ten minutes. She seemed to be too drunk to hvae seen him, so he kept his distance. Chances were she'd hit him again, like she did last time he had found himself in Dematre. Vincent regretted that his last visit had been so short, but things had been complicated back then, his mind had fallen appart at the seams. But things were better now, he felt like he might be able to explain it to her now. THough, at this point she might well be too drunk.
Still, he would have to meet her eventually, better to do it now rather than at some more awkward time.
Downing his drink for a dash of dutch courage, and slid off his stool to approach her from along the bar. Never sneak up on a drunk, much less a drunk vampire.

"Nikolaos..." he began, "Hello."

Nikki blinked, her eyes almost confused as she registered what had just been said- who had just said it. Had she really not noticed him? Was she really so immersed in herself that she hadn't noticed him?

Damn. She had been drinking too much. Nikolaos pushed away the next drink the bartender offered and shook her head rapidly, a headache surely swirling her sights- almost making her dizzy but not quite. It took a lot to make a vampire lose their balance. Had she downed a few more shots she would have gotten there.

"Vincent," she said, her smile twisting into something hateful and pleased at the same time. She laughed, and the laugh was slightly sultry, slightly harsh.
"Whatever are you doing back this time darling- isn't it time you left me alone for good? Or do you just get a high off of lying to me and leaving me--- I'm sure you're real happy right now."

Her voice didn't even slur- but she was drunk- and most likely in a state of high emotional sensitivity- and he was here. Vincent? He was really here?

But only for awhile. He'd just pack up and leave again- some other night- leave again, and again, and again....

And she shouldn't give a shit anymore. It shouldn't still bug her. It had been- for far too long- just when things were getting better.... if her situation now was any better- drunk and alone....

He just had to come back didn't he? Had to approach her- put salt in her wounds? The last time she had seen him he had told her he loved her. Ha!
That was a good one.

"If you want to hit me, I won't resist." Vincent said, rubbing his cheek, "But if you could hit the left one please, it will even up my face after the last time you hit me."

Vincent was sorry, but he had no idea how to express it. He wasn't going to lie to her, he didn't love her. It was not his intention for it to be this way, but he didn't. His time away from her, his time alone, it had been too long since he had seen her, smelt her, touched her, to pretend nothing had changed would be false. It would hurt, but it was better this way. Perhaps it would help Nikki to move on if they could sort through their issues. Or perhaps not, but Vincent was willing to try.

"Vincent...." her voice was dark as her eyes grew serious, the curious drunken light behind them fading for one brief moment of serious sincerity. "I want to do more than just hit you. Would you mind letting me rip your heart out dear- Oh wait- you don't have one...."

Her voice was harsh, and she spoke slowly- annunciating every word painfully and to the point.

"You'll never understand. You lied. You've lied to me this whole time. And I hate you- I hate you for it. And you--- I hate-"

I hate that you don't love me.

She hated everything about him; the way he smiled, the way he talked, the way his fingers whispered across his cheek. Damn him- damn him to hell if he wasn't already going there.
"All you had to do was tell me I wasn't good enough." Nikolaos stood and took a step towards him. "All you had to do was tell me straight to my face that I was a waste of time. All you had to do was leave me alone and you couldn't.... You just- God," she sighed and clenched her fists.

"You just don't understand what you have done! And do you like coming back? Just to rub things in my face- to tempt with me with lies that I want to hear.... want to believe?" She looked away, her eyes ablaze with a wrath that she had buried deep inside when she met Bill. Bill.... where was he when she needed him now? Where was Nechelle? Where was anyone?

Would no one comfort her?

"I'm sorry." Vincent said slowly, "I'm so sorry."
There was no easy way to do this, but.
"I... I don't love you, Nikolaos. Too much has changed since... I left. But I want you to know, none of this is you. You are still the same beautiful person I met before. To me you will always be a fantastic person and a valued friend, but I don't want to lie to you and tell you something that isn't true. I've changed, Nikolaos. I don't think you ever knew how much damage Nathaniel did to me before we clashed last year, and it was not just Nathaniel. My whole life had been a calalogue of cock ups, I did so much I should never have done, and said even more. I suppose in many ways I made Nathaniel who he was, and I did the same to so many others like him, they all found me, Nikolaos. That is why I left, they all came after me, every mistake I made, every Young One I turned. I hid, I ran as far as I could and hid, but they found me anyway. I'm not telling you this to escuse myself, I'm telling you this to try and help you understand why I did what I did."
Vincent paused, unsure if Nikolaos would hit him, or kill him outright, or nither.

"You're not sorry. You can't be sorry if you can't feel this...." Nikki said softly, a heat just under her voice that was slowly reaching scorching levels. Someone was going to get burned and she knew it was going to be her- but she'd sure as hell make him bleed for it.

Nikolaos moved forward, her speed miraculously fast- even for a Nephim. Nails slashed across his face, red pools appearing instantly before she intentionally slapped the same side of his face, her fingers grabbing his shirt as she pulled him towards her, close enough to kiss- but she'd never do that again.

Not after what he had said.

"It's not you it's me?" she asked, astonished he would sink so low. "That's what you're telling me Vincent- you're playing the it's not you it's me card--- yeah.... you've changed. I liked you better before you got the urge to leave me- before you got all antsy. Now you're just a bastard." She pushed him away from her, ramming his body into the bar. People stared but she didn't give a damn anymore. Nikki slumped back down onto her bar stool and felt two crimson tears fall down her face.

She wanted to kill him. She wanted to rip his damn intestines out. She wanted to make him pay- but she.... simply couldn't. She couldn't even hit him as hard as she wanted to--- because deep down.... deep, deep, down- she would always love him. Even if he didn't love her. When he had said he loved her- that last time- she wanted to believe it.... with all her heart she did- Well, now she had her answer- and it felt worse than before. Why couldn't he have just stayed away?

"Understand what you did- I understand perfectly. I wasn't important enough for you to inform- I wasn't important enough for you to love--- tell me Vincent- has anyone besides Nathanial ever won your fucking love?" she asked, looking up at him. "You're hard to please- how high are your standards? Was I such a horrible lover? Obviously I'm not beautiful enough--- Oh wait- I forgot.... You're sticking to 'it's not you it's me' bullshit," she shot at him, looking away from him before ordering tequila and staring at it, not bothering to touch it. She should throw the damn glass at him-

For everything.... everything he had done to her. Couldn't he see he had ruined her? And no amount of apology could ever fix her.

"It's a pity your fledglings didn't kill you. You sure as hell deserve it Vincent- how many other people in Demaitre did you forget to say goodbye to?"

Vincent felt the nails tear into his flesh, and knew he deserved worse. He had been awful to Nikolaos, and there was no way to make up for what he had done. He reached up to touch the bloody gashes she had made, three deep cuts across his face, from ear to lips.
"You are beautiful, Nikolaos. And you are more than I ever deserved."

The bartender had brought him a cloth for his face, but Vincent waved it away, asking instead for tow shots of Absynth. Looking confused, the bartender brought them.
Vincent took his shot and splashed it into the scars. He half roared half moaned with pain as the alcohol and wormwood burned his scared skin, there was a breif smell of burning flesh, and then it was done. Now he would wear those scars forever.

By this point even the bartender was edging away from this odd couple, and avoiding all eye contact, but Vincent didn't care, he knew he deserved to hurt for what Nikolaos had been through in his absence.
This wasn't enough, Vincent knew, he doubted if anything would be enough, but it was something, and at least it was his money and not hers that was waisted on spilt drink.
"While I was away, I killed. I killed beings that I created, sons and daughters they were to me, and I killed them. I thought their deaths would bring peace, but no. Their screams echoes in my dreams. I stayed hidden, I was mad. I didn't think you would want anything to do with me... I was an animal, Nikolaos. I had stripped every inch of humanity from myself and I was left with nothing, naked before my own sins. It was months before I could remember my own name... And after that, I was ashamed. I hid in my cave, I never wanted to see another human face again, in their eyes all I could see was the eyes of those I ended. I was a monster."

Nikolaos' eyes widened as he shoved the alcohol into his face, the action remarkable- shocking really. She was taken aback. Why had he just- they wouldn't heal? He had just permanently taken her marks! She blinked: once then twice.

Flesh boiled and burned with a sickly odor and Nikki wrinkled her nose at the sight and smell.

A sick part of her twisted with glee- the part that Stranger had made so long ago, but another part of her was horrified by what he had done. Every time he touched his face now- he'd know it was she who did it- and he'd remember what he had done to her.

No. It wasn't enough. He could never pay enough- make her happy enough- apologize enough. Some wounds just never heal- only ebb and fade with time and absence, but he wouldn't leave her alone. He just wouldn't leave.
But hadn't what she wanted been for him not to leave? Hadn't- even after all this time- hadn't she only ever wanted him to stay with her?

He spoke then- pitifully musing over the deaths of his fledglings.
"We're all monsters Vincent. There's nothing to be ashamed of in that." she spoke, her voice flat before she looked up at him- standing again and moving towards him slowly, almost fascinated by the scars..... Her scars. She arched a slender eyebrow at him and let her hand stretch out to touch his face, just touch it- without an ounce of friendliness. He wasn't forgiven. He would never be- most likely- if her mind had it's way, but her heart was a fickle and stubborn thing- and it always managed to fuck things up for her.

"I don't know why you would think I wouldn't want you Vincent...." her voice was serious but cold. He didn't deserve affection, but he had to know.
"I'm not afraid of animals- I'm afraid of monsters.... I was my sire's lover once- I've had my share of monsters and they don't scare me- I'm just as monstrous as you...."

She frowned. "I'll always...." Nikolaos pulled her hand away suddenly and turned away from him, pulling her hand to her chest.
"Why the hell did you do that- willingly mar your face...."

Vincent closed his eyes when she touched his face. Her touch told him she still hurt, and he knew that would brobably never change.
"Not the monster I was." he said, the slightest prick of red welling up in his eyes, "I was gone, Nikolaos. Do you understand? There was nothing of Vincent left during those long months. I would have torn you appart as soon as look at you then, because all I could have seen in your eyes was those of the dead. If I had been able I would have come sooner, but I needed to know I was ready. I needed to master myself. And, at last I did."
he knew she would probably never understand what he had gone through in his absence, but he could at least try.
"After we met here the last time, I intended to stay with you. But something wasn't right. I told you I hunted Nathaniel's offspring, Ling Ling. I started wondering what had happened to the Young Ones that I sired. I did a little digging, and but before I could find any of them, one of them found me. He came to my home. Jack was his name, the self styled Ripper. We fought in my home, and although I won, he promised me two things, first that as long as he lived, he would hunt me, and that if he died there would be others. I... I killed him. But he was right, there was another, then another and another. All of them... Every mortal I turned, without exeption... I had shaped them, it was my fault they were what they were. I'm not an evil man, but I had created evil in so many others. I hated myself for what I had done to them, they hated me for the same reason. I ran. I wanted to run and to die, to hide and to melt into dust and be gone forever. But they wouldn't let me. Wherever I hid they found me, and I killed them. The last found me in Nepal. He was only fifty years younger than myself, and though I bested him the battle was terrible. If I bore the scars from him as I do form you, you would not recognise me, I am sure. When he was dying, though he whispered to me. He told me the truth. "I look at you and what I see is me." That is what he said, and I knew that I was like him, a cold blooded killer, a horrible mistake, an abomination. I saw myself in his broken body, and then I saw them all, their bloodied corpses that I had secreted away before running away again, they were piled around me, a heap of murderers, with what was left of me at the summit, the most savage and bloodthirsty of them all. That was when the old Vincent, the Vincent who loved you died. Every inch of him died there in those mountains. He left a beast in his place. But, after months and months alone, the beast was able to regain something like what it had lost. It became what would become me. I had to reach into myself, and kill that beast, the last being I shall ever take the life of. Now, I have reached some kind of peace. I can't say that I know it is dead, but I know it is not here. After it was gone, I rebuilt myself, from the ground up I put myself back together. It was a long and hard process, and many was the time I could have fallen back into the maw of that beast, but, just after last new year, I thought myself ready to venture back into the world. I... I walked back to Dematre. I don't know why, but I think I wanted to feel the distance between what I was before, and what I am now. I scarred myself because from that experience I do not bear enough scars to atone for the things I put myself and my Offspring, and most important of all you through."

"But I do not think I have it in myself now to love like I loved before. Everything in me is measured and controlled, love must by its nature be uncontrolled and free, I do not think I can risk such a lack of control."
He turned his face away from Nikolaos, and downed the second shot of Absynth, then he stood up, still unable to meet her eyes.
"If you want me to leave and never see you again, I'll understand."

Nikolaos listened, staring at the glass before her, not daring to look into his eyes as he spoke. She didn't want to see his face. Why couldn't he have come to her when he was turning monstrous? Why couldn't he some to her? Because all he could see was his guilt and sin?

Of course.

She shook her head as he spoke the last part though. "Vincent I don't want you to-- I don't want to hurt you. I do- I do want to hurt you but I don't. You didn't have to keep my marks.... God, you know I can't decide what to do about you."

"But I do not think I have it in myself now to love like I loved before. Everything in me is measured and controlled, love must by its nature be uncontrolled and free, I do not think I can risk such a lack of control."

Love was uncontrolled and free? No, love in itself was controlling- was restricting. Now love constricted her- confined her to this room- to Vincent. Love was chains and shackles. There was nothing free about love. Love was a cage- love was a prison, but it could be paradise. It could be paradise....

But not for her. Never for her.

"Well, it doesn't matter if you can love does it now?" she asked, rather harshly, her words as sharp as broken glass, her emerald eyes flashing like gems- no warmth, only a cold pointed ness that was unbreakable in appearance, but that was not so.... No it wasn't.

"Because you already said you don't love me, don't want me at all- can't even bother to try...."
Had he ever loved her? No. Never? So it was all lies. And that hurt. He had led her on? He was still the same- maybe a little mellower- a little more dramatic, but his eyes were the same- it was still Vincent. The Vincent she loved. Always present-tense.

"You never answered me- are your standards of love so high that I can’t measure up Vincent? Because I'm sick of you telling me you're not worth my time- I think that's my call isn't it?" She frowned and grabbed hold of the bar as the room spun slightly.

Nikki looked over to him.
"You're already here aren't you? And Vincent- you'll never leave me. Even when you're gone you're here- you did a number on me..." Nikolaos felt another tear on her cheek and anger rose rapidly in her heart as she furiously wiped the tear away. She wasn't weak. She'd get through this- despite all her longings she'd get through this- because he didn't want this.... and it took two to waltz.

Did he even remember what they had shared?

Vincent visibly sagged under her words. Hey stung him very deeply, and for the breifest of moments Vincent thought he felt something of the beast stirring... But before he could even react to it, it had evaprated.
"That is not true." he said, measuring every word before speaking, "It is not that I don't want you, or that I didn't try to recall my feelings for you... I just don't trust myself yet. Perhaps, in time when the memories are more faded by time it will return to me. But ignore that, Nikolaos. You should forget me. Find someone more deserving." he turned to go, this meeting was far more painful than he had intended, but things were the way they were.
He had only taken one step when she repeated her question to him.
"You were one of the best things to ever have happened to me." he replied, still not turning to her, "It has nothing to do with my "standards" as you put it. I have always looked at a person as that, a person. I would never compare you to Nathaniel, or to anyone else, for that matter, because they are not you, anymore than you are them."
He resumed his slow march to the door.

He spoke slowly, thoughtfully, and carefully- but Nikki was anything but careful with her words.

"You said yourself you don't love me. That equals not wanting me at all Vincent- you said so yourself that you don't love me- though you're a bastard for telling me you did when you didn't--- you couldn't just leave me alone- you had to tempt me with that one little hope- that those three words meant something, but no- it was just another fucking lie- and even now you lie again and say that I'm not speaking the truth. Vincent you obviously don't want me or you wouldn't be pushing me away all the damn time. Ever since Nathanial came into our lives I've taken second fiddle. You don't care- or you would have told me, explained to me, at least told me goodbye or broken up with me like another other decent man...."

Nikolaos growled and glared at him as he turned away from her, moving towards the door.

"Perhaps, in time when the memories are more faded by time it will return to me. But ignore that, Nikolaos. You should forget me. Find someone more deserving."

"God you're being ridiculous- it doesn’t work like that. Emotions aren't fair Vincent- they pick and choose without the mind knowing. I can't just find another more deserving. It's not that easy."

The heart wants what the heart wants- and despite every hateful emotion in her mind- that thumping organ in her chest wanted him. And it shouldn't. She was silly to still love him, but how could one get over their love? He was the second man she had ever really loved- wanted to be with.... and he'd be the second one to leave her, but it was Vincent's choice. Her other love had not chosen to die.

"You were one of the best things to ever have happened to me."

"Yet you can't risk getting close to me because you think you'll lose control. That's bullshit Vincent and you know it." she said, standing up rather rapidly- her head pounding with a new headache as Vincent's scarred face spun in her vision.
"Love isn't free and uncontrolled. It's a consistent shackle that people either choose to put around their ankle or are forced into it.... I know I can't make you love me, but I just don't see why you can't just.... I don't know- I don't know what I want from you- and it doesn't matter because you'll never give it to me!"

Another crimson tear, freshly torn away by Nikki's graceful hand.

She wanted to love him and be loved- waltz and tango and salsa--- she wanted to dance. She wanted to live. And she wanted to share it all with him, but he wouldn't have her.

So what should she do?

Vincent had reached the door when Nikolaos started to speak again.
He was regretting even coming here now. She didn't understand, she was blinded by hate. Hate for him, hate that he richly deserved, Vincent was the fisrt to admit that. But her emotions had blinded her to anyone but herself. He wanted to shout at her, tell her to get over herself. But he knew it would do no good. She had lived as the femme fatal for too long, Vincent thought, she had become the role she cast for herself.
"If that is how you think of love," he said, turning to face her once more, his hand on the door, "Then I think you don't love me either. Love shouldn't be a chain around you ancle holding you down. It should be a gentle wind that lifts you from normality and shows you the beauty of the world. It shouldn't be chained round your ancle, painfully dragging you back it should take you gently by the hand and lead you onward, and upward. When I hear of your love I hear a cage. Bars of hate and fear that want to keep you in captivity. Love should not be like that. That is not my love, Nikolaos."
He turned to go, wondering if she would follow or not.
He pushed the door half open, then called back over his shoulder.
"I don't know what it is you want. You say you love me, but I think you mean you want to hold on to me, on to "us", because you are afraid. Not afraid of losing me, but afraid of everything."

Nikolaos stormed towards him and pushed him aside, stepping out into the night. Damn him if he was going to analyze her- treat her like some child. He didn't understand how she felt.

Afraid? Maybe she was afraid- maybe she was but what did that matter? Vampires were supposed to be paranoid right? She didn't even bother speaking to him, but if anyone was going to be leaving this time- It would be her. Vincent had always been the one to walk out on her- and now- for once in her life- she wanted to be the one to leave- to walk out on him.

She’d never leave him emotionally- because obviously he had never cared about her, but physically- she could be the one to leave him behind. Nikolaos brushed by him, not even staggering- she was focusing so hard on her balance- making sure every step was hard and rough- making each step on the gravel click beneath her heels as she walked down the street- away from him. She didn’t run back. She’d never turn back.

Maybe she didn’t love him- maybe he was just a memory of a time when she was saner, more controlled, less prone to murder…. Maybe she wanted to be that girl again- the kind and considerate creature she had once been. But she wasn’t. She wasn’t kind anymore. She wasn’t compassionate. Only few mortals and vampires alike gained her respect nowadays and they certainly had to earn it. Maybe he was just a ghost of her past and she was too afraid to grow up- to afraid to let go. It’d be nice to be friends- to have a true friend and not a lover, but she didn’t think that was going to happen. All her closest friends ended up being lovers in one way or another. She was a Nephim- what could one expect?

Besides- it’d hurt too much to be his friend. She missed who she used to be- missed the life she lived before- simple uneventful- and without the daily day to day drama that she faced now. Where was Bill when she needed him?

No.

She didn’t need anybody.

She was Nikolaos O’Rourke dammit and if anyone could stand on her own two feet it was her. She’d get over it. She was over it. She had to be over it- for her own sake.

Self-preservation. It was the most important thing to a vampire- and now- she’d have to start at it again- preserving herself- strengthening herself. No one would ever do what Vincent had done to her- never again.

And he- he would keep his scars- and go one leading a guilt-ridden, scarred and maimed life- or rather death. And she- she’d survive. She’d make her own death interesting- make it worth her while. There was so much to see and do and exist for- there was no reason to let Vincent ruin it- again. No. She was quite finished with him.

Vincent stepped out into the night and watch Nikolaos storm off down the street. He had no intention of following her, he had seen her, and tried to explain. THat was enough for now. Perhaps if their paths crossed again things would change, or perhaps not. Perhaps she would go on hating him forever.

He turned and walked in the opposite direction from Nikolaos' retreating back. After a few spaces he found a confortable looking peice of wall and lent against it to have a pipe.
As he inhaled he thought back to before. When he and Nikolaos had been a pair of dizzy lovers, dancing on rooftops... Vincent looked back on those events, they seemed so distant now, so far away... Now... Now things were different and the world was that little bit less kind.
He felt along the scars he'd given himself. Wondering if he'd suit them. He'd have to, he supposed they weren't going anywhere. He was far from maimed, though, just another change that happens. He took another puff on his pipe and stared up at the stars.