How should MES fight crime? (The Fall online forum)

Watching TV crime shows inspires the inevitable question...

Squid Law suggests vigilanteism (however it is spelt) - but not necessarily on an Qualizer basis.

The poll results so far suggest he should follow his Detective Instinct...

As a maverick detective who doesnt play by the rules.

"You can talk all you want about goin' by the fuckin' book, pal, but that won't get the plagiarists and nazis off the streets. You accuse me but you're talking about yourself - you think you're a giant but you're nothing. When I grew up it was fuckin' pitch black at 4 in the afternoon, we had nowt and we didn't have to lock our doors. Now it's all fuckin' accountants and lawyers tellin' me how to do me job. You're always in work in progress, you just want me to be behind the counter. And it's all done on the fuckin' internet and portaphones, but you can't fuckin' go down t' pub without having to wade through 500 European punks and Sparta FC supporters. And when you do collar a villian, you put 'em away, but they'll be back some day. I paid my life tryin' to break the rules, cock."

QUOTE (worthless recluse @ Jan 23 2006, 10:51 AM)

As a maverick detective who doesnt play by the rules.

"You can talk all you want about goin' by the fuckin' book, pal, but that won't get the plagiarists and nazis off the streets. You accuse me but you're talking about yourself - you think you're a giant but you're nothing. When I grew up it was fuckin' pitch black at 4 in the afternoon, we had nowt and we didn't have to lock our doors. Now it's all fuckin' accountants and lawyers tellin' me how to do me job. You're always in work in progress, you just want me to be behind the counter. And it's all done on the fuckin' internet and portaphones, but you can't fuckin' go down t' pub without having to wade through 500 European punks and Sparta FC supporters. And when you do collar a villian, you put 'em away, but they'll be back some day. I paid my life tryin' to break the rules, cock."

He then collared a Petty (Thief) Lout, but Oswald's Defence Lawyer got the kid released.

I'm surprised at so many votes for the underground base idea. Obviously not many crime fighting heroes round here - I've tried that method and I guarantee you, no matter how well you've hidden it, inevitably some bad sorts find out and cause trouble. The next day you come back to find they've told the local evil genius, who just starts messing about aiming missiles at the weak spots of the structure. Trust me, it's not worth it, and once you get to about base no. 4, the insurnce just rockets.

Detective? It wasn't for me, and I suspect MES would be on last warning from the chief halfway through the first day.

Believe me, vigilanteism is the best for Mark. Get out there and kick some ass, don't take help from anyone but Mr Smith and Mr Wesson.

'Take no crap, give no ground', that's the only rulebook you need.

QUOTE

As a maverick detective who doesnt play by the rules.

"You can talk all you want about goin' by the fuckin' book, pal, but that won't get the plagiarists and nazis off the streets. You accuse me but you're talking about yourself - you think you're a giant but you're nothing. When I grew up it was fuckin' pitch black at 4 in the afternoon, we had nowt and we didn't have to lock our doors. Now it's all fuckin' accountants and lawyers tellin' me how to do me job. You're always in work in progress, you just want me to be behind the counter. And it's all done on the fuckin' internet and portaphones, but you can't fuckin' go down t' pub without having to wade through 500 European punks and Sparta FC supporters. And when you do collar a villian, you put 'em away, but they'll be back some day. I paid my life tryin' to break the rules, cock."

Spot on. His crime-fighting outfit should be the black trousers/ white jacket with angel wings worn on Cerebral Caustic.

The Dixon of Dock Green approach.

I like to think of Mark wandering the streets of his locale, giving young scallywags a good old cuff round the ear, or a cigerette in the eye, and a warning of, "...and there's more where that came from, now gerr off home wi' yer".

Failing that, he could always give them a job playing guitar to keep them off the streets.

QUOTE (Vvillager @ Jan 24 2006, 06:21 AM)

The Dixon of Dock Green approach.

I like to think of Mark wandering the streets of his locale, giving young scallywags a good old cuff round the ear, or a cigerette in the eye, and a warning of, "...and there's more where that came from, now gerr off home wi' yer".

Failing that, he could always give them a job playing guitar to keep them off the streets.

That would explain all the walkouts in gigs - each band member is going out to keep an eye on the huge bag of SWAG in the dressing room.

QUOTE (Vvillager @ Jan 24 2006, 06:21 AM)

The Dixon of Dock Green approach.

I like to think of Mark wandering the streets of his locale, giving young scallywags a good old cuff round the ear, or a cigerette in the eye, and a warning of, "...and there's more where that came from, now gerr off home wi' yer".

Failing that, he could always give them a job playing guitar to keep them off the streets.

This approach worked well in solving why the German athletic star was continuely ill on Athlete Cured with a piece of good old fashioned policework. :D

You never 'ad any o' this trouble with National Service, that gave people a bit of discipline. It's daft sendin' people to college, then they just become cleverer criminals. A spell in Bosnia'd sort them out. Then there'd be no crime, like America.

Like a sort of undeceased Hopkirk

QUOTE (worthless recluse @ Jan 23 2006, 10:51 AM)

As a maverick detective who doesnt play by the rules.

"You can talk all you want about goin' by the fuckin' book, pal, but that won't get the plagiarists and nazis off the streets. You accuse me but you're talking about yourself - you think you're a giant but you're nothing. When I grew up it was fuckin' pitch black at 4 in the afternoon, we had nowt and we didn't have to lock our doors. Now it's all fuckin' accountants and lawyers tellin' me how to do me job. You're always in work in progress, you just want me to be behind the counter. And it's all done on the fuckin' internet and portaphones, but you can't fuckin' go down t' pub without having to wade through 500 European punks and Sparta FC supporters. And when you do collar a villian, you put 'em away, but they'll be back some day. I paid my life tryin' to break the rules, cock."

Just stopped pissing myself.More,please.Funny as f**ck. :applaud: :applaud:

Stop commiting any crimes,that's all anyone can do :D

None of them.

He needs to fall in a vat of Toxic Sludge.

Upon crawling out he will have amazing super powers such as the ability to shout louder then anyone else thus deafining his foes, he also has a stare which actually kills at 50 paces. If he drinks enough booze he can fly as well.

A magic tank top will give him the power of flight (images of MES in lycra may give the kids nightmares) and he will reel of a set of irrelevant catchphrases which noone can understand.

I can imagine Ben as some kind of sidekick, with Elini as a Lois Lane type figure.

Perhaps Karl Burns can be a evil Supervillan...

QUOTE (tom_from_sparks @ Jan 25 2006, 05:10 AM)

None of them.

He needs to fall in a vat of Toxic Sludge.

Then his powers did return.

QUOTE (worthless recluse @ Jan 23 2006, 10:51 AM)

As a maverick detective who doesnt play by the rules.

"You can talk all you want about goin' by the fuckin' book, pal, but that won't get the plagiarists and nazis off the streets. You accuse me but you're talking about yourself - you think you're a giant but you're nothing. When I grew up it was fuckin' pitch black at 4 in the afternoon, we had nowt and we didn't have to lock our doors. Now it's all fuckin' accountants and lawyers tellin' me how to do me job. You're always in work in progress, you just want me to be behind the counter. And it's all done on the fuckin' internet and portaphones, but you can't fuckin' go down t' pub without having to wade through 500 European punks and Sparta FC supporters. And when you do collar a villian, you put 'em away, but they'll be back some day. I paid my life tryin' to break the rules, cock."

There was room in there for "Serial Killers, always a bore in my book."

And surely "Maverick Smith" deserves a set of wheels to get one from one crime scene to another,what with the dodgy leg and that? Or at least some form of transport? A horse?

QUOTE (clasper @ Jan 25 2006, 03:14 PM)

And surely "Maverick Smith" deserves a set of wheels to get one from one crime scene to another,what with the dodgy leg and that? Or at least some form of transport? A horse?

And what's wromg with a fuckin' taxi?

QUOTE (otherdave @ Jan 26 2006, 03:19 AM)

QUOTE (clasper @ Jan 25 2006, 03:14 PM)

And surely "Maverick Smith" deserves a set of wheels to get one from one crime scene to another,what with the dodgy leg and that? Or at least some form of transport? A horse?

And what's wromg with a fuckin' taxi?

Fuckin' classic reply. :applaud: :applaud: :applaud: Yeah,"taxi for Maverick Smith" etc.

QUOTE

"You can talk all you want about goin' by the fuckin' book, pal, but that won't get the plagiarists and nazis off the streets. You accuse me but you're talking about yourself - you think you're a giant but you're nothing. When I grew up it was fuckin' pitch black at 4 in the afternoon, we had nowt and we didn't have to lock our doors. Now it's all fuckin' accountants and lawyers tellin' me how to do me job. You're always in work in progress, you just want me to be behind the counter. And it's all done on the fuckin' internet and portaphones, but you can't fuckin' go down t' pub without having to wade through 500 European punks and Sparta FC supporters. And when you do collar a villian, you put 'em away, but they'll be back some day. I paid my life tryin' to break the rules, cock."

Did you tape this as he said it or just remember it and write it all down at home later on? Fantastic stuff. More please & thank you.

Yes! Great stuff!

You might have a look at my disastrously unpopular "Sentences from Fall titles" in the games and timewasters forums.

We once had a Canadian Prime Minister (Pierre Trudeau) who wore capes in public, but I understand he removed them whilst battling supervillains.

As his alter ego, Carry Bag Man.

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's some drunk with a Netto bag.

The "Marksignal" could be: Where are you going...

i imagined he'd be more like viz magazine's 'the brown bottle'.

Invoke Squid Lord

ON EDIT: I see that Nurdled, By Astley already suggested this—I think it's right on, though. MES tapes car thieves having a conversation in their secret hideout and then gives the Memorex to the Kraken, who extrudes a tentacle from a nearby manhole and drags the criminals to a watery demise.

I was thinking more along a Dr Who vein, doing battle with the Cybermen from EMI and new sidekicks every few years.

apropos costume: what role for THE GLOVE?

costume change: i go behind a tree
his krptonite: ear wax

this thread lives again to fight crime another day!

so you've got the mark-cave, the mark-signal and he'd (ho ho) keep SACKING his (ho ho ho) trusty teenage charges (ho ho)... ahem. apologies. it had to be said, but i wish it wasn't me that said it.

anyway...

when mark sees/hears the mark-signal, he immediately heads to the mark-cave, grabs a couple of bottles of corrona from the mark-fridge, puts a 28 minute long kluster track on the mark-stereo and sends out safi sniper to torture the hapless criminal for twenty or thirty minutes. if its thirty, he'll maybe listen to a few psych/garage oddities to get him in the mood. if this is the case, then again he will go to the mark-fridge for some more corrona.

he then sends out his trusty teenage charges to signal his arrival. about ten minutes later, he arrives at the scene of the crime, choosing an inappropriate opening speech from a different crime that he's stopped. and then he'll leave after 45 minutes.

i see him as V from V for Vendetta

The Same way he deals with squirels, the little bastards

If only someone could create a short cartoon.

QUOTE (Steven Seagal Was My Neighbour @ May 13 2008, 08:47 AM)

If only someone could create a short cartoon.

If only someone could make an action game.

QUOTE (Mopiranger @ May 13 2008, 09:30 AM)

QUOTE (Steven Seagal Was My Neighbour @ May 13 2008, 08:47 AM)

If only someone could create a short cartoon.

If only someone could make an action game.

An Xbox360 game,with bonus features.

QUOTE (Steven Seagal Was My Neighbour @ May 14 2008, 07:58 AM)

QUOTE (Mopiranger @ May 13 2008, 09:30 AM)

QUOTE (Steven Seagal Was My Neighbour @ May 13 2008, 08:47 AM)

If only someone could create a short cartoon.

If only someone could make an action game.

An Xbox360 game,with bonus features.

Ah now your talking, but there's gotta be squirrels in there somewhere

Squirrel deaths mean points. Or finding and killing squirrels unlock achievements!

QUOTE (Steven Seagal Was My Neighbour @ May 14 2008, 10:02 AM)

Squirrel deaths mean points. Or finding and killing squirrels unlock achievements!

Sounds great, imagine the fun with a few mates for the evening, your chosen form of inxocacate, bring it on!!

Well, now obviously he is in a cave not yet constructed

and its dark, lit only by candles
WHERES ME SOUP-CUNT???!!!

By opening a record shop in Iraq.

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