Adrian didn’t know what to do with himself these days. He couldn’t stay in his room for more than a couple of hours without feeling like his skin was crawling off his body. No more trawling his old fucking haunts—everyone there expected him to smoke a joint or drop some acid or hook himself up to a fucking Jack Daniels drip. Which made sense, because that was what he did.

Except not anymore. Now the only thing he was doing was hiding from Gaven.

He wasn’t exactly conscious that he was doing this until he realized he hadn’t seen his friend for a—damn long time. It took him a little longer to realize that he was purposely avoiding everywhere where he might accidentally run into his best friend. It was—he had—

When his body started rejecting the drugs, Adrian’s system went on a full blown fuckdown. He didn’t remember all of it—just flashes on a broken reel of him clawing at his face, his eyes, his hair, screaming and hyperventilating and smothered by voices that he didn’t recognize. He knew that at some point someone had strapped him to a bed to keep him from—falling off, he guessed, and maybe rolling under the bed or something. And then dying, which would have been a relief.

But he wasn’t dead. He was still alive. And he was kind of going crazy.

Parents were pulling their kids away from them, and joggers took the route around the parking lot in order to not pass him. Maybe it was because he had an unlit cigarette in his mouth and a small pile of rocks at his side. Or maybe it was because he was throwing said rocks at anyone who came too near. He was surprised no one called the cops on him yet. Maybe he could plead insanity. Adrian giggled.

Gaven had been warned about the crazy boy who was throwing rocks when he stepped into the park and had shrugged the warning off. He'd seen a lot of weird things lately, had heard rumors of a lot of dark, dreamy things, and it was really throwing him off kilter. It didn't help that Adrian's constant presence in his life had just evaporated, either. He felt like a cat with three legs instead of four, constantly mis-stepping and stumbling without his friend endlessly ribbing him or showing up drunk or leaning with him on the couch.

He sighed and shook his head, shoving his hands into the pockets of his hoodie. Not that it was cold outside, but the breeze always got his fingers and hands, nipped his nose even in late spring, and it wasn't like he was the type to overheat. Dark circles ringed his eyes, a compilation of worry and uneasy dreams and finals looming close, and he had to keep telling himself that he'd be able to breathe more easily when summer hit.

Gaven stopped in his tracks before he realized why he was stopping, and his brows knit as his head canted slightly to the side. He swallowed as he watched Adrian, sitting next to the rocks, and noted the unlit cigarette, before he rolled his shoulders back and walked toward him almost jarringly with every intent of sitting down heavily next to him.

Adrian didn't know that the person who he was staring at was Gaven until he belatedly realized that his hand was up and poised but he hadn't thrown the rock. Which was interesting, because he was taking aim at strollers just a few minutes ago. Throwing a rock at this guy shouldn't have been a big deal, but his arm just would not move.

With a jolt he dropped the rock and looked down at the sidewalk, hands on his knees, a sprinter ready to bolt. He forced himself to take a deep breath. Couldn't exactly relax. "You look like shit," he said after a moment, and his voice was like fingers being run through gravel, as if he'd spent the night screaming.

He was one to talk. Adrian had always been obsessively hygienic, and even when he was practically dying from—everything, he managed to keep up with his showers, but he looked like he'd stepped out of a fresh grave. He was skinnier. Paler. His eyes were sunken in slightly and surrounded with blue-black smudges. It was funny. He should be healthier. But it was as if someone had plucked him straight from earth and put him on this strange planet. He didn't know how to function.

And then Gaven was there and he felt like breaking down all over again. Like he suddenly realized he was hungry and Gaven was food.

Oh fuck. He really was cracking.

Somewhere in his mind, Gaven had meant to be angry at Adrian. 'Do you know what kind of hell you've put me through?' he meant to say, and he'd planned it in a very angry voice. Also on the top of the list of Things To Say To Adrian was 'Where the hell have you been?' and 'What the fuck is going on?'

Instead, he just sat down heavily next to him, reaching forward to take one of the rocks and smoothing it between his fingers as he passed it almost nervously from hand to hand.

"Yeah," he said quietly, and snorted once. "Looked in a mirror lately?"

Gaven's shoulders hunched a little bit, and he knew he should have been sitting closer to Adrian, maybe with an arm curled around his back, stroking the base of his neck. It was those little touches, those expressions of everyday affection that he missed, but instead he mostly just felt sick at the pit of his stomach, like he wanted to get out of there.

"You been eating?"

Adrian should have never left Gaven. Or—he should have never avoided him. Or something. He realized this when Gaven sat beside him and he felt like everything was right again, even though everything really wasn't. More than anything he just wanted to—to lean on him. Or something. His fingers twitched. He reached out—probably to take Gaven's hand—but stopped himself midway and grabbed a rock, instead.

"Here and there. Been studying for finals?"

And it said something, really, that Adrian still knew Gaven's schedule, even though he hadn't seen him for so long that he didn't recognize him, oh god how could he have forgotten Gaven? It was like a punch in the stomach. He felt a little sick.

While Gaven wanted to escape, Adrian wanted to grab on and never let go again. He rolled the rock between his fingers.

"I'm still pretty," he said tiredly. And he was, because Adrian really was just an attractive guy, even though he looked like he'd been through hell and back.

God, he hadn't realized he missed Gaven that much. Something in his chest clenched.

A smile twitched at Gaven's lips. Not because anything was inherently humorous, but just because the situation was so damn absurd. How had they ended up like this in the first place?

"Yeah, Addie. You're still pretty," he echoed, rolling the rock to one hand and reaching up with the other to slide chilly fingers across the back of Adrian's neck in what he hoped was a familiar, comforting gesture. "And no. Not as much as I should be."

He hesitated for a moment, gave a lock of Adrian's hair a little tug, then let his hand retreat back to his own lap.

What was he supposed to say? What were they supposed to talk about? He sighed and let himself fall backwards onto the grass, not caring how ridiculous he looked, and resisted the urge to thump the rock at the back of his friend's head.

"So," he started, and the words felt foreign in his mouth, "what've you been up to?"

Adrian shivered a little at the familiar touch, hands dropping on his lap. It was so strange as much as it was normal. Jesus fuck, when did he lose his confidence? Adrian followed Gaven's suit, stretching out beside him, focusing on the blinding sun while reaching over and taking Gaven's cold hand in his, holding it up to examine the lines he'd known for years.

"Being stupid," Adrian muttered after a moment, closing his eyes. The sun stained them red.

"I'm sorry, Gav—I." He what? He had no excuses. "I needed to get my head back on straight. I wasn't—" Normal. But he'd never been normal. "I wasn't in a good spot." That much was true. "I didn't want to drag you into the mess I'd gotten myself into."

And the most shocking thing was how lucid he sounded. His voice even lacked the slur that alcoholics and druggies adopted after years of narcotics. Now he just sounded so painfully normal. Just a lost twenty-two year old who was nothing without his drugs and didn't even have those to fall back on anymore. All he had was Gaven, and he gave that up, too. God, he was a wreck.

"I'm sorry. I was going to come back." And he really was, he just didn't know when. And who knew, maybe it was already too late.

He let go of Gaven's hand. "So—what have you been up to?"

Gaven's hand curled a little bit when Adrian grabbed it and he sighed despite himself, shutting his own eyes to the sun and letting himself soak up the warmth. He twisted, rolling onto his side after his friend spoke, letting his eyes open into slits as he dug his shoulder onto the ground to get comfortable.

"I've been okay. I've - not done a lot."

Well, there was Suzanne. He didn't want to go into Suzanne right now, so he decided that he wouldn't, and he let his eyes shut. How the hell did you rebound from someone you weren't ever in a real relationship with in the first place?

"I'm glad that you're - " well, he couldn't finish that sentence with 'okay.' Adrian obviously wasn't 'okay.' "-..alive. It's good to see you again."

He puffed out his cheeks slightly, letting himself sit like that for a moment.

"...thanks for not hitting me with a rock."

Adrian groaned lowly after a moment, before turning on his side to face Gaven and just—throwing his arms around him. If it was unwanted—oh well. He couldn't just lie there like there was a fucking brick wall between the two of them. It wasn't natural. Natural was holding Gaven like this, even though his entire thin frame was shivering.

He wasn't okay and, frankly, he felt like he wouldn't ever be okay again. He buried his face in Gaven's shoulder.

"Yeah. I'm alive. For the most part." He felt like shit, granted, but he'd survive. He'd gotten this far.

"Hey, you're not mad at me, are you?" He was trembling and bony and—well, hungry, but he'd just realized it. "Can we get something to eat? I'll treat you."

Though he was trembling, his body was hotter than normal—feverish, probably, and Gaven felt like a giant ice cube and it was really nice. "I wouldn't hit you with a rock. I wouldn't."