Hello. Following further months of agonising back-breaking labour, all 1,860 pages of Digiworld are now converted to work as an offline archive.

Accordingly, we present the beta version, specially for YOU, OUR LOVELY READERS. With your big-eyed faithfulness, powers of keen alertness, frightening stalker knowledge and sensible hats you are ideally placed to spot any stupid errors we missed after manually translating the pages and becoming sick in the eyes, before the final version is released unto the earth.

This ISN'T the real thing,* and is NOT for distribution, announcing to scruffy, non-forum readers or, for example, putting on a CD and selling. It's a quasi-secret test, so you can say, "Ah, a mistake. I feel warm and helpful," and, "Did I really pay £5 for this? Fetch my thug."

Okay? Good. Downloads and slightly more info here:

http://digiworld.tv/digiworld_offline_beta.html

JN.

*Incidentally, rather than have an idiotic and offensively distrustful round-the-houses download of the finished archive, where you'd have to type in your username and password or something and be shuttled through disguising tangents to the final file, it's going to be a plain old zip, with a shareware option to buy for readers who never bothered. (Obv it's free to spesh friends.) An exciting new feature will detect if non-spesh friends download the archive, read it and fail to pay, thus retrospectively contributing to the closure of the mag, and will cause them to die in an actual big chemical fire.

...thousands cheer, and so on.

For some reason Ish 1 appears to be missing (999-01.html).

That's all I've spotted so far in my two minutes of browsing.

All seems aces so far.

I'm running the smaller version. I only accquired a monster monitor a few weeks ago, so no-Snoy is good by me.

Are we getting paid by the hour or the page?

Shrinkwrapped:
>For some reason Ish 1 appears to be missing (999-01.html)

Eh? p999 *is* p999*01 (in the same way that, say, p484 is p484*01). Are you using index.html, or looking in the folder like some kind of socialist?

Incidentally, readers: the attractive, carefully selected asterisks are missing from the archives because Windows refuses to accept asterisks in filenames, along with half-a-dozen other "invalid" characters (including, fantastically, the dangerous and ultra-rare quotation mark, that befuddling scourge of all mechano-galvanistic brains). Apparently it is under the impression this is about 1972 and, as Pop and the Rev's most stringent efforts failed to unearth an option for "Cancerous rubbish: on/off," we had to go with the aesthetically less pleasing hyphen, in a trifling process of replacement merely involving changing every page of the archive again and then rezipping everything and wasting everyone's time. Thanks, PCs.

JN.

McNeill:
>I'm running the smaller version

You have chosen wisely. (It doesn't *quite* fit on a 640x480 screen - you have to scroll down for the banner - but the important bits are always visible. Hurrah for the little Digiworld guys.)

>Are we getting paid by the hour or the page?

We have a cheque made out to "CASH" for £1, which we shall bestow upon the forum member who manages to dispatch all others in a The Killing-style gala festival, though we're not falling for the old bomb-on-the-stairs belltower bit at the end, or will at least prod the ground ahead with Popular tied to a stick.

JN.

While I couldn't help but have a shuffle through the folder, I'm actually referring to a bona-fide broken link:

From the main menu (100.html), the link to Ish 1 (supposedly 999-01.html) leads only to dissappointment.

It seems to me that Ish 1 has been named 999.html. Unfortunately, throughout Digiworld (e.g. in the fastext links at the bottom of the screen), Ish 1 is usually linked to 999-01.html, which does not exist.

Suggested course of action? A simple renaming.

This all applies to the Snoy version by the way. I can't vouch for the tiny one.

Shrinkwrapped:
>Unfortunately, throughout Digiworld (e.g. in the fastext links
>at the bottom of the screen), Ish 1 is usually linked to
>999-01.html, which does not exist

Gaghk. Well spotted, citizen. I don't actually have enough space to run the unzipped archives at once, so I've been kneading everything together in sections and clearly neglected to check after changing the naming scheme several million years ago. I attend to this error swiftly.

The Rev has suggested some people might like the Baby Learner Remote (the one with the huge, disfiguring labels) so we'll bung all three pictures in the Snoy archive (Black, Learner and Silver) with some easy-to-follow instructions about simple renaming; obv this saves having to prep two further complete zips, which would be stupid and numbing.

>This all applies to the Snoy version by the way. I
>can't vouch for the tiny one

Both archives ought to have identical content, differing only in the layout. Theoretically it's possible to emulate every display pref setup with a large bunch of searching-and-replacing (as that's roughly how Real Digiworld works) but I'm not going to do that. The Snoy seemed to be the most popular alternative setup, unless everyone's now changed their mind.

JN.

Righto, the 999*01 error is fixed. Fortuitously, it appears only in the p999 section itself (c10 pages) and not the main archive (slightly more than 10).

JN.

My file is corrupt. It said that it would let me off with a warning, for £20.

No, seriously, though: It is corrupt or invalid, apparently.

Is this my fault, Daddy? What does it mean?

Digiworld hates you, or you downloaded it through a download accelerator which broke it for you, or something.

What the HELL is lanolin?!?


giant_frying_pan

I must retire to my secret laboratory for testing, lit by one candle 14 country miles away, for I believe Christmas is coming earlier to the McNeill house... <_<

It means you have broken everything and must send us £20.

NOW.

digiworld_archive/003_fri_485.html has a link to digiworld_archive/003_fri_485.html, which doesn't exist. digiworld_archive/003_fri_p485.html (note the "p", before the "485"), however, does.

Waddie:
>digiworld_archive/003_fri_485.html,
>which doesn't exist

Splendid eye-waves there. There are a couple more like this, but they're now all fixed.

JN.

Aww, man. Well, I was going to buy a prosthetic arm for that old, blind, bald, fat, ginger-haired cripple down my street, but he'd only trade it in for some fancy prosthetic man-genitals, or something.

IMAGINE THAT! It could shine a light out the front, so there's no complaints about missing the toilet when it's dark, and you could adjust it to make a 'whirring' noise. That'd scare the kids away.

Or maybe I'll just get him a Brookside DVD.

I'll send £10. That is all.

Do you think you could manually control how erect it is?

Man, I'd pay 20 sovs for one of those.

I've looked in the Argos catalogue, and it says that it connects to your Sony PC, TV, Bowler-hat, etc, via a 'Sony Memory Stick ™'.
It doesn't mention 'erecticity', though. Sorry.

Does that mean it's permanently erect, like the Terminator?

I don't know, man. That's a question for Arnie, or possibly Annie out of that film "Annie". I never did get that film. Especially the bit where Annie turns out to be a sex-alien, and she has to fly through the "inter-galactic wormhole" up that bald man's bottom, to get to her home planet.

Or am I getting mixed up, again. It must be that Calpol that I've been drinking all day.

Hiiisssssss.

I doubt Arnie would be able to answer such questions, since he is now King of the USA. So: the onus falls to Annie from "Annie".

Anyone got her phone number?

I have. But she doesn't know. Hiiissss.