Here are some handy things to know about refunds, which I'll be starting late today, with a prevailing wind.

1. If you are drunk and wish to throw away your remaining false cash even though you need that operation for drunkenness, it's no good just saying, "Oh, keep it, little Digiworld guys." (We haven't the first clue who you are, for a start.) The correct thing to do is to go to the TV Tuning page, then to Gladstone & Disraeli's False Cash Bank, where you'll find a hidingly embarrassed Donate button (included by popular demand of drunks) via which R Hull will belittle you until you give up making water come out of our eyes.

2. If you're instead sensible and undrunk and expect your refund, MAKE SURE YOUR REGISTERED E-MAIL ADDRESS IS VALID. (Go to TV Tuning then the Info box.) The address you've given us is the one to which we'll send your outstanding balance. IT'S UP TO YOU TO MAKE SURE THIS IS A VALID ADDRESS VIA WHICH NOCHEX OR PAYPAL CAN REACH YOU, AS WE SAY ON THE PAGE. An idiot who closed their account some time ago had changed their e-mail address after paying to a made-up one or something, so I had to spend several ages manually tracking down their original receipt to find out who they really were. I'm not doing that for the over 12 spesh friends we have left.

2a. Hurrah! Another fumbling addition to a well-thought-out post. If you have several e-mail addresses (say, one for signing up to idiot sites, but another for your Nochex or Paypal account), it might be an idea to put the Nochex/Paypal one in your Info box, so you can be sure your refund is going directly to your registered pay-o-identity.

3. Relatedly, when your refund comes through, IT'S UP TO YOU TO ACCEPT IT (Paypal only). I've just had one bounced back a month after sending, because the bloke didn't bother for some reason. (Nochex sums are automatically accepted, so you ought to be okay there. If you've given us your correct e-mail address, obv.)

3a. Tch. There's always one you think of at the end, isn't there? Anyway, traditionally I've asked first whether you want your refund via Paypal or Nochex, regardless of how you paid. (The main difference is that Paypal takes a chunk out of every transaction - about 7.5% - so although we refund you (say) £1, you receive c92p.) As this would slow things right down in bulk, I'm going to use whichever company you did in the first place. If you want to swap over, e-mail refunds@falsebit.digiworld.tv (remove the falsebit).

4. If you paid by cheque, I'll e-mail you when I reach your account number to work things out.

5. If you received extra false cash (usually because of a large mess-up with your account) that extra WON'T go through as real cash. We're rubbish, but we're not loony.

6. If you want archived issues, don't close your account. (Your refund will go through normally.) You've already paid for the archive when you bought that Spesh Friend Week, and if you close your account now you probably won't be able to receive the zips, whenever they turn up. If you don't care about permanent offline archive versions, closing your account will bump to you to the top of the refund-o-queue. Up to you.

Any questions and stuff, e-mail refunds@falsebit.digiworld.tv (remove the falsebit). I'm not exactly sure how long the refunds will take: I'm striding through the accounts in order, and there are over 12 of them: but if it's all going significantly slowly, I'll let you know.

JN.

Okay, following a gruelling several million hours, just about all the refunds should now be on the way. (See the bit at the end though.)

From what a few lingering drunkards have asked, here's a quick guide to what to do if you're still deranged enough to throw all your false cash away in donations just so you can see water come out of our eyes.

1. If you've received an e-mail saying, "Nochex complains you're not fully registered," your refund hasn't actually gone through, so you can still donate it via the False Cash Bank as usual.

2. If you've received a refund by Nochex (ie, the cash has gone through) but don't want it, send it back. No charge, y'see. (And the missing bit of the message which Nochex helpfully truncated on every single refund is this: "e trick. Hurry! - Tiny T Cooper." Well done, Nochex. Well done.)

3. If you've received a refund by Paypal (ie, the cash has gone through) but don't want it, Reject or Refund the sum (not sure which - it's the alternative to Accept, anyway); this cancels the whole thing and returns all the nibbly little fees they've made off with before stuffing it back in our trousers.

4. If you DO want to keep your now-real-again cash, congratulations. You have chosen wisely.

THE BIT AT THE END.

Despite agonising inspection (man, next time I'm going to keep the Nochex/Paypal address with the account info so I don't have to match everything manually using unhelpful electro-receipts if your sign-up e-mail address happens to be different) I can't identify the cash faces of the following readers (Digiworld usernames given):

insinceredave
davevaner

If they could come to the first-aid tent (e-mail me at refunds@falsebit.digiworld.tv), I can finish things off. Hurrah!

JN.

While I think of it, any outstanding refunds at this point would be errors and mess-ups. If you're expecting a refund that hasn't arrived even though this was supposedly all finished with a million years ago, point your swearing at refunds@falsebit.digiworld.tv (remove the falsebit, obv) for feverish application of swear-damping inert foam.

JN.