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| The Hand Puppet Movie Theatre Presents: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban "Sudden Urge to Drive a Delorien" Harry: Here I am, playing with my wand under the covers...nope, nooo cheeky monkeyual innuendo here. Uncle Vernon: At least this constant running up and down stairs is burning calories. Aunt Marge: Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse than the Dursleys... Aunt Petunia: Wow, even I find her irritating. Aunt Marge: Shut up and do dishes while I insult your parents! Harry: Ha, can't do dishes if I break them all. Aunt Marge: Y tu Mama tambien! Aunt Marge: *EXPLODE* Aunt Petunia: Coincidentally, why did we leave the door open? Dudley: Bye Auntie Balloonface...oh look, television! - HP - Harry: Screw having a roof over my head; I'm outta here. Uncle Vernon: ...I think I'm going to suffocate on teenage angst. Harry: Wow...suddenly swingsets are really creepy... Black Dog: Can I have a biscuit? Knight Bus: *ILLEGALLY PARKED* Conductor: I'll give you a lift if you give me some Zit-Be-Gone. Shrunken Head: Running humorous commentary provided by your friendly neighborhood racial profiling example! Harry: Dude, tell your newspaper to stop screaming at me. Conductor: FEAR the foreshadowing! And whenever the driver runs red lights. - HP - Harry: Wow, my own personal Igor. Cornelius Fudge: Actually, he's mine. Be glad you just got off with a slap on the wrist. Harry: What's this about impending danger? Cornelius Fudge: Ohhh, nothing. Just a little governmental cover-up. Ron & Hermione: BICKERBANTERARGUE Harry: Yay, I'm no longer surrounded by creepy adults! Mrs. Weasley: *HUGSANDKISSES* Harry: ...I stand corrected. Mr. Weasley: Surprise, you're in terrible, life-threatening peril! Harry: What, again? - HP - Mrs. Weasley: Ron, don't forget to bring the unexpected villain! Harry: Alright, time for some quick exposition. Ron: Why do I have the feeling I should start practicing my scared squeaky voice now? Train: *SUB-ZERO* Dementor: Excuse me, but we need to stamp your ticket. Harry: Arrgh, my face is caught in motion blur! Lupin: Psh, I don't even need to say 'Patronus' to make one. Harry: So what was that? Lupin: Part squid, part ringwraith...but we call them Dementors. Harry: Depression + hangover = really not good. Lupin: Chocolate fixes everything. - HP - Thestrals: Lalala, pulling the carriages...oh wait, you don't see us until book 5. Um...we're not here. Toads: It's the amazing singing toad chorus! Dumbledore: Now that I've gone hippie on you all, it's time for traditional introductions and warnings of imminent death. Malfoy: Huzzah, I've suddenly tripled in bishiness! Dumbledore: And the moral of this story is: buy nightlights. Ron: Ever get whiplash just from walking upstairs? Fat Lady: It's not over until I sing! Harry: Speaking of singing...animal crackers in my soup... Fans: Since when is a train an animal? - HP - Trelawny: All this incense has made me loopy! Woooheefiggledeeblaaa... Hermione: Does your inner eye need gargantu-focals, too? Ron: GAHH, that foreshadowing caught me off-guard! Trelawny: AHH, there's a dog hair...I mean dog in your cup! Harry: Actually, if you turn it sideways it kinda looks like Eisenhower... - HP - Hermione: I'm only irritable because I'm double-majoring! Hagrid: Yay, big scary monsters that can take off your limbs! Aren't you all excited? Ron: ...Wait, you weren't talking about the textbook? Buckbeak: Diminishing the ferret population since 1992! Harry: Dang, I hate involuntary volunteering. Buckbeak: Hmm, you smell like the protagonist...okay, me likes. Hagrid: Riding bareback is the best way to learn! Harry: I can flyyyy like an eagle... Buckbeak: You mean hippogriff. And that's 53 ferrets for a round trip. Harry: But I never got my peanuts and soda... Malfoy: I wanna fly with the inspirational score, too! Buckbeak: I dropkick you, racial supremacist foo'! Malfoy: Now switching to crybaby mode... - HP - Lupin: Lesson One: swing music makes everything cool. Fans: Even that extremely un-bishy mustache of yours? Lupin: ...Well, almost everything. Snape!Boggart: Does this dress make me look fat? Harry: I don't see how a clown is any less scary than a snake. Dementor!Boggart: Fear my, um...fake scariness! Lupin: Hold up, this scene needs a bit more foreshadowing. Moon!Boggart: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie... Harry: Curse the infernal unsigned permission slip! McGonagall: Hey, at least you don't have to write through three sheets... Lupin: It's okay, I forgot to get mine signed, too. Harry: You're pretty cool, at least for someone who isn't a fangirl-pleaser. Lupin: You had cool parents. They gave me chocolate. - HP - Snape: In my opinion, defense against the dark arts should be taught in the dark. Hermione: What, the honorable Severus Snape is reduced to slide projectors? Snape: It's homework and implanting distrust rolled into one! Man, I love this job. Malfoy: What's even cooler is origami and flipbooks in one. Fans: ...Anyone else suddenly disturbed that Malfoy has an interest in Japanese paper folding? Ron: It's hardcore British sports fandom at its best! Harry: Not that we get to see any of it. Golden Snitch: Follow me to the land of foreshadowing! Black Dog: Have you hugged your ill omen today? Dementor: Give a kiss to Auntie Dementy! Harry: Horrendously bad breath...losing consciousness... *PLUMMET* - HP - Hermione: Something tells me the director really likes blackouts. Ron: As if losing a Quidditch match isn't shock enough, your broom went firewood on our butts. Harry: ...My life is over. Lupin: bad to be your broom. And me, but you don't know that yet. Harry: ANGSTWHINEWONDERANGST Lupin: I can smell the hormones boiling from here. Harry: Uh oh, it looks like somebody couldn't take anymore of the Photoshop-filter paintings! Fat Lady: Sirius Black said my singing sucked! Dumbledore: So why are you hiding behind the hippo? Fat Lady: Because I just got out of the shower! - HP - Harry: Psh, why didn't I try this invisibility cloak trick when it wasn't snowing? Fred/George: We're so humorously mischevious, we make people laugh just by finishing each others' sentences! Harry: Sweet! But who're these four guys that made the map? Fred/George: Umm, off to Hogsmeade with you! Fans: Dammit, that was the exposition we actually wanted! Harry: Oh hey, free lollipop. *YOINK* Hermione: Talk about your fixer-upper. Ron: Yeah...wait, what's that supposed to mean? Malfoy: My family's so rich that we buy one-ended Q-tips. Nyeah. Harry: Sneak attack! Malfoy: Ahh, my dignity! Run away! Hermione: Thanks for, er...saving us. Weirdo. Harry: Somebody mentioned by name! Urge to act recklessly...rising... Madame Rosemerta: I guess nobody expects the Spanish inquisition. Cornelius Fudge: What's with all this exposition? McGonagall: It's just an unfortunate side effect with novels-turned-movies. Blahblah Siriustraitor blah Pettigrewdead blahyak IsThisPissingYouOffHarry? Harry: Dang it all, why won't my world stop shattering? Hermione: I sense feelings of agression. Harry: Gimmie back my blankie. - HP - Lupin: As you can see, they had a discount on floating gold balls and spinal chord candles at Costco. Harry: And chocolate too, I suppose? Lupin: Think of the happiest thiiiiiings...it's the same as having wiiiiiings... Harry: If only the floor would stop being so darn hard... Lupin: Wow, success on your second try. If I didn't know better, that'd look like foreshadowing to me. Ron: Your stupid cat ate the unexpected villain again! Hermione: Why do I have the feeling the shippers are turning this into fanfic fodder? Hagrid: Watch how far I can chuck this big ugly rock. I named it Cornelius Fudge. Hermione: The animal rights activist in me is screaming bloody murder. - HP - Ron: Ahh, the spiders...they make me say funny things in my sleep... Harry: "Peter Pettigrew?" What's this, a walking typo? Scabbers: Actually, a scampering typo. Neener neener, can't catch me! Harry: I feel like I'm using an ancient copy of Windows Me. Snape: In that case, allow me to kill it for you. Marauder's Map: You suck, pansypants! Lupin: Wow, this brings back memories...I mean, step into my office, young man! Harry: So do I get more chocolate? Lupin: No, you get a chewing-out. Don't do stupid things already! Harry: Whatever. And your dumb Thomas guide is busted. Lupin: ...Methinks I am alarmed. - HP - Trelawny: Today's lesson involves staring at a blurry cloud of nothingness! Hermione: Rip-off... Trelawny: People skills? Where? I don't see any... Hermione: Well, obviously. *HUFFHUFF* Harry: Guess I'll go put this back...waitaminute, I didn't ask for the psycho killer channel! Trelawny: The reverb is taking over...*COUGH* Stupid laryngitis. Harry: Well, this is a terrific note to move into the rising action with... - HP - Malfoy: Weee, let's watch the bird-horse run around after his head gets cut off. Hermione: With the power of my superior brain I SMITE thee! Malfoy: WHIMPERSNIVELCRY Hermione: ...Or brute force works just as well. Ron: I can die happy now. Malfoy: I'm telling the yard lady! Ron: Only Hagrid could grow pumpkins big enough to be coaches. Hagrid: Once again, I am the subject of so much abuse. And here's your unexpected villain back. Ron: What, are you also breeding exploding jars? Harry: *THWACK* There goes 30 more brain cells... Hermione: Hooray for back doors. Dumbledore: I'm here to provide extended distraction. Look, another kamikaze bluebird! Hermione: Argh, I keep getting causal loop flashes. Harry: Quick, let's get away so we can't see what actually happens! Scabbers: Sweet lady freedom, here I come! Ron: Come back, you still need to be neutered! Hermione: Crap, I knew those whacked bluebirds were foreshadowing something. Black Dog: I still want that biscuit! *CHARGE* Ron: Mom will kill me if I get a hole in these paaa.... Whomping Willow: You again?! Die, moving thing! Hermione: Oh, I didn't really need those ribs... Harry: Wow, secret passageways...not like I haven't seen those before. - HP - Ron: Stop my life from flashing before my eyes! Sirius: Why did I have to wait around for Harry to get here before killing the rat? Harry: ...Ew. Think maybe you can take a shower before I strangle you? Lupin: Hey, it's ol' Dog-Breath! *HUGE HUGS* Sirius/Lupin Shippers: OMGNOSEBLEED DEATHBYHAPPINESS Hermione: *GASP* And all this time you seemed so darn straight!... Harry: Actually...Nonotreally. Sirius: Can we get to the murdering part already? Snape: I am Snape, the Potions Mahster. I must stop him. Harry: Yay, an excuse to assault authority! Lupin: ...As cool as that was, you're so busted. Sirius: Still waiting for the murdering... Scabbers: Whoops, just realized I left the wheel running. Toodles! Peter Pettigrew: *POIT!* Hermione: Hey, didn't you take pictures in 'The Last Samurai'? Peter: If you thought Malfoy's sniveling was bad, listen to this. Ron: Suddenly I feel so dirty. Harry: Instead of instant death, I think lifelong torture would be better. Sirius: Now that's using your noggin'! - HP - Harry: Now that you're no longer trying to murder me, you sound like a really cool guy. Sirius: Ooh, can we play fetch? Harry: I've always wanted a dog! That didn't hate me! Lupin: Oh crap, I forgot to take my pills. *TRANSFORM* Sirius: Noo! You can't go wolf until we make out first! Lupin: I'm a Mexican hairless werewolf! Snape: I'll act heroic if it's the last thing I do! *THWACKED* Sirius: Dogfight! Hermione: My money's on the tall one. Harry: Wait, come back! You need to cover my rent! Lupin: Hark, I'm off to go fight Dracula! Harry: Crap, Sirius's bleeding. Doesn't that make him a werewolf now? Dementor: Mmm, fresh-squeezed soul. Patronus: You cannot withstand the power of COSMIC BAMBI! Dementor: Fine, guess we'll go hunt some hobbits. Harry: I've lost count of how many times I've blacked out now... - HP - Dumbledore: Well, this ending is way too depressing for a PG movie. I suggest you do something about it. Hermione: Ah, the perks of being a teacher's pet are great indeed. Harry: Why do I have he sudden urge to drive a Delorien? Hermione: Yay, I get to watch myself be cool again! Harry: I knew all those blackouts were going to mess with my head one day... Hermione: Oh yeah, and this is also the part where I chuck rocks at your head. Harry: What is this, backshadowing? Buckbeak: Oh cool, more food. *MUNCHYCRUNCHY* Executioner: If I can't kill the hippogriff, I can at least kill this pumpkin! *CHOP* Hermione: Since the exciting stuff has already happened, we get to sit around and talk awkwardly. Harry: ...So. How 'bout those freaky visions of deceased parents? Lupin: Crazy Dogfight Part 2! Harry: Ooh, that part was cool. Can we rewind and watch it again? Hermione: Uh oh, more backshadowing instances. AWOOOOO... Harry: You never told me you had a furry complex! Buckbeak: Shoo, wolfie! Go eat some chocolate! Harry: And dangitall, there I am getting tortured to death again. Past Harry: A little help here... Harry: The complexity of causal loops gives me strength! *FWOOSH* Hermione: This is why I watch Quidditch from the ground! Sirius: Busted out of jail twice...at least this time it's by a cute girl. Buckbeak: Let's go be fugitives together! Sirius: Then you can help me look for the man with the prosthetic arm...I mean, bye Harry! Harry: Drive safe! Don't fall into any mysterious veiled dimensions! Hermione: So do we get brownie points for successfullt manipulating the time-space continuum? Dumbledore: *Plays Innocent* Ron: GAHH, my nerves can't take much more of this... - HP - Lupin: As they say in Britain, those responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked, have been sacked. Harry: I guess chocolate can't get you out of this mess. Lupin: I bet you 53 ferrets this racial discrimination bit comes up again in later films. Harry: Hey, I get to keep the plothole-inducing Marauder's Map! What could possibly be cooler? Ron: A new broomstick from your ex-convict godfather? Harry: I fly corrected! FWOOSH Fans: Dude, these are the awesomest credits ever. A friend of Harry Potter |
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| Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone - "The Not-So-Golden Snitch" Dumbledore: In the future, everyone will have cigarette lighters like these. McGonagall: I know all you fans are desperate for a good morph, but you'll have to settle for a sillhouette at the moment. Dumbledore: So what's wrong with Hagrid bringing the baby here? McGonagall: You mean besides the fact that he's prone to sitting on small living creatures? Hagrid: Check out my rather disruptive entrance! No, I don't need a haircut. Dumbledore: To avoid the complications of a celebrity childhood, let's have Harry grow up in an abusively snobbish family. McGonagall: Are you sure that's a good idea? Dumbledore: Trust me, this sort of thing breeds dramatic irony like you wouldn't believe. - HP - Harry: Well, guess it's just another day in my abusive life. Don't suppose anything *cough* magical can happen today... Dudley: You can imagine me elation when they asked me to play the part of a boy who is "roughly the size of a baby killer whale." Aunt Petunia: There is nothing more frightening than a boy roughly the size of a baby killer whale throwing a temper tantrum. Uncle Verne: Harry, don't make Dudley's birthday any worse than he will himself. Harry: Hello, snake. It must suck to be you. Snake: Just for future reference, kid, it's not good to be able to speak snake. Dudley: Hey mummy, let's have a contest to see who can freak out more! Uncle Verne: It's all your fault Dudley's wet and freaked! Harry: Well, baby killer whales do need water... - HP - Harry: Wow, it's my first letter in forever! Uncle Verne: What if that letter has anthrax? I better burn it for you. Owl #1: So...you here delivering another Harry Potter letter? Owl #2: No, I'm just here for the free owl chow. Harry: Somebody's flooding the house with letters...maybe they want me to read one. Uncle Verne: NO! THEY ALL HAVE ANTHRAX! TRUST ME!! Dudley: I guess it's a good thing we own a random cottage on an island in the middle of nowhere. Harry: For my birthday, I wish a giant bearded guy would take me off on a grand adventure...wow, that was quick. Hagrid: Hope you guys have insurance on this place... Uncle Verne: I can't believe it! There's someone on this planet that has more body fat than me! Hagrid: Hey Harry, ever done anything that could be contrewed as magical? Harry: Well, there was that snake thing, but I'm certain that has a scientific explanation. Hagrid: Would you rather go off on a grand adventure and see wondrous magicallyish things, or stay and watch doctors try to figure out Dudley's pig tail? Harry: Does the former include a dental plan? - HP - Harry: I'm still trying to figure out how we got from an island in the middle of nowhere to London... Hagrid: We've got to head over to this magical bank in order to compound the already oversized dramatic irony. Goblin #1: We hate Harry. We hate everyone. And everything. Goblin #2: And ATMs. We especially hate ATMs. Hagrid: See this little bag, Harry? It's called "foreshadowing." I suggest you get friendly with it. Harry: Most kids get a Playstation for their birthday...I get a wand that makes my hair poof out and a snobbish snowy owl. Hedwig: Someday they'll make pink plastic backpacks of me! Harry: So what's with this oh-look-it's-Harry-Potter thing? Hagrid: It basically involves an evil nemesis named He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named that you'll be fighting in one form or other at the climax of each movie. Fans: You're never too young for good solid angst! Fans: ...But you've got a few years before any bish-ness sets in. Hagrid: I'll just drop you off here with mysterious instructions and then randomly disappear. Harry: This is certainly less than helpful. George: Do we not have the coolest family ever? Fred: Just the red hair alone puts us in the Top 10. Harry: I don't suppose any of you could give a demonstration on how to run through a brick wall? Ron: Wow, I can feel the best friend vibes starting already. Harry: Check out this scar...it doubles as a controversial topic for fans of the original work. Ron: You may be more famous, but my British accent is way more authentic-sounding than yours. Hermione: I sound like a snot, but I'm actually the smartest of the trio. Ron: Too bad no one can pronounce your name. Scabbers: I am cute and cuddly...until the third book, that is. - HP - Harry: Explain this again...why do the freshmen have to take the boats? Hagrid: Smile big, kiddies...this is going to be on the movie poster! Malfoy: Hello, Harry. Unlike Hermione, I actually am a snot. Ron: So your pals' names are Crabbe and Goyle...are the other two called Dopey and Sneezy? Malfoy: You three better prepare yourselves for some heavy-duty verbal abuse! McGonagall: Save the bully/victim interraction for a less appropriate time, please. Sorting Hat: I am an extra-disturbing type of freshmen initiation. Ron: Stop freaking, Hermione...the storyline decrees that we'll all end up in the same dorm. Sorting Hat: HEY, EVERYONE! WANT TO FIND OUT WHAT HARRY POTTER IS THINKING?!? Dumbledore: By the way, Filch would like to remind you to stay away from certain places that cause eminent death. Fans: ...Which will all be visited by Harry by the end of the movie. Filch: I am so bitter, my cat won't even lick me. Ron: Wow, magic food...and it all tastes like chicken! Nearly-Headless-Nick: Don't mind my rather brief appearance. They didn't even bother to introduce Peeves. Fans: Well, we gotta have something fill up this "Titanic"-length movie. J.K. Rowling: Just wait till you guys sit through 11 hours of "Goblet of Fire"... - HP - McGonagall: Alright, now you are allowed to observe the mad morphing skills. Harry: So what happens when we're late? Ron: I SUCK UP like it's my last day on earth! McGonagall: How sweet of you. Guess I'll refrain from turning you into sour movie critics for now. Snape: I'm so diabolically British it's almost cheeky monkeyy. Harry: Why do you hate me? Snape: Nonsense...I harbor no ill will towards any of my students. You accursed little worm. Malfoy: I have two facial expressions: smirk and smug smirk. Hermione: Notice me, I'm a genius! Snape: Sorry, but I hate geniuses too. If you want to get on my "good" side, try being a snobby rich guy's kid. - HP - Harry: I am desperate for mail...gimmie that tabloid! Harry: Uh oh...according to this article, the foreshadowing has compounded. Hermione: Don't tell me we're talking about the main plot already... Ron: Forget something, Neville? Neville: Oh yeah...I was supposed to tell J.K. Rowling to get her fat lazy butt in gear and finish the fifth book. J.K. Rowling: This fat lazy butt ain't goin' nowhere until I get more coffee inspiration. Madame Hooch: I'll be your coach, kids! And in case you're wondering; yes, I did drop my toaster in the bathtub this morning. Neville: It's just a little disturbing when you break your arm during the first practice. Malfoy: As head snot of this story, I decree it is time to reveal even more amazing and generally beneficial information about Harry's family! McGonagall: So...did I scare the crap out of you first-time viewers? Fans: Sorry, but only the sorting hat can pull that off. Oliver Wood: Worship me; I am the only bishounen you will see for a loooooong time! Fans: If we were here for the bishounen, we'd be watching "Lord of the Rings" instead. - HP - Harry: Well darn, the stairs decided to switch on us. It's almost as if some wise omnipotent entity wants us to go into the forbidden area. J.K. Rowling: Mmm...cappuchino and chocolate croissant... Filch: There's nothing I hate more than adventurous little wizard kids. Except maybe cleaning cursed toilets. Mrs. Norris: I haven't bathed in eight years. Hermione: Next time, I'm picking the hiding spots. Ron: IT'S A SNARLING CERBERUS! WE MUST BE AT THE GATES OF HELL!!! Hermione: And everyone says I overreact... - HP - Flitwick: I'm either a really friendly goblin or a really ugly human. Ron: Stupid feather! Stupid stupid stupid *@#&% feather!! Hermione: Stop mistaking my brilliance for snobbery! Seamus: Something tells me this exploding thing is going to become a running joke... Ron: Hermione is a nightmare...think I'll marry her someday. Harry: This is just a suggestion, Ron, but let's try leaving the verbal abuse to the movie's numerous villains. Quirrel: Happy Halloween, kids. We're all gonna die! Dumbledore: The day you see me panic is the day the world as we know it ends. Harry: I think we better go save Hermione now, considering we'll probably owe it to her four times by the end of the movie. Troll: I'm smart for a troll...I can attempt to hit small moving objects. Harry: Now I know that if I ever want to defeat a large stupid monster, I can just stick my wand up its nose. Ron: ...A situation made all the more humorous by odd British vocabulary. McGonagall: I take away points from you and give points to you two...can you tell I'm an expert at fuzzy math? - HP - Snape: Hello, Potter. I'm not sure you can handle the intensity of this upcoming CGI sequence. Harry: Me neither. I'm sure moping about it will make me feel better, though. Oliver Wood: Don't worry...you'll be fine as long as you stay away from any large blunt objects that can fracture your skull. Lee Jordan: I'm not biased. Really, I'm not. Marcus Flint: I cannot overemphasize how much I need braces. Oliver Wood: Did you take a few bludgers too many to the jaw? Marcus Flint: That's what I love about this game...you can knock the goalie unconscious and still not get fouled. Ron: HEY HARRY! NO PRESSURE! Snape: Speaking of pressure, at least try to stay on. Hermione: Don't like geniuses, eh? Take this, you epitomy of diabolical Britishness! Snape: Pity my toasted shins, fans of the original work! Fans: Sorry, too busy watching Gryffindor players drop like flies. Harry: My first-time aerobatic skills are even freaking out the Slytherin seeker. Golden Snitch: What do I look like, a truffle?! - HP - Harry: Snape's out to get me. Hermione: I concur with Harry. And since I'm the resident genius, he's right. Hagrid: Do me a favor...next time you talk with me, please bring a roll of duct tape so you can seal my mouth shut. Harry: We'll be back in about 20 minutes' screen time for more important information. - HP - Hermione: So...got any Christmas plans, Harry? Harry: None of them involve going home to my baby killer whale of a cousion, if that's what you're wondering. Ron: Don't feel bad, Harry...I got left behind too, and I actually have a family. Harry: Amazing...I've actually gotten something besides oversized sweatpants for Christmas! Ron: An invisibility cloak! And you're supposed to "use it well." Harry: Great, I've always wondered what the girls' dressing room looks like! - HP - Harry: This dark, empry library is way scarier than the girls' dressing room...and then again, maybe not. Book: Oh, sorry! Was I not supposed to make any noise? Filch: Where's that kid so I can slowly and delightfully torture him? Harry: Agh, must escape the resident pedophile! Snape: Who dares to interrupt my diabolical Britishness?! Quirrel: Does anyone even bother to ask why he's yelling at me? Harry: Hey look, it's my parents. Also known as the presidents of Angstland in this story. Lily Potter: Can I stop smiling now? My cheek muscles are frozen. Dumbledore: Harry, give your parents a break. Harry: But it's sooooo beautifuuuul.... Dumbledore: That does it...I'm saving this mirror for the climax and I'm putting you on the patch. - HP - Hermione: Nice adventures Harry, but I solved this mystery during some enjoyable relaxation time. Ron: It's not fair...it's just not fair... Harry: Hi, Hagrid. We're back to subtley interrogate you again. Fang: This is all so very exciting. Think I'll drool some more. Hagrid: Kids, don't tell anyone about this dragon I'm hatching, since I'll probably tell them myself. Hermione: Anatomically speaking, it looks more like a wyvern. Malfoy: Ha-ha, it is I...the Not-so-Golden Snitch! McGonagall: All of you get detention...including the little tattletale standing to the left. Harry: But we were just advancing the plot! McGonagall: Now I suggest you go advance the plot somewhere where you can get killed. - HP - Filch: Being sent to eminent death...man, it's just not cruel enough. Hagrid: Aww, Norbert's gone...now I have to find a new snarling monster to cuddle. Fang: What, I'm not scary-looking enough? Malfoy: Pfpfpfpfpftt, I'm not scared...WAUUGH, WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!! Dark Creature: I'm like a black rider without a horse or a sword! Centaur: And I look more like a monkey than a person. - HP - Ron: Well, You-Know-Who's still alive and at the school...guess you're screwed, Harry. Hermione: Don't worry! As long as Dumbledore's here, you're safe from any evil nemeses. Fans: Which means he'll soon conveniently leave. Hermione: Finals are fun! Studying is enjoyable! Ron: You'd be the perfect teacher's pet if it wasn't for that irrepressible nonconformist streak. Hagrid: You guys up for the last bit of important "secret" information? Harry: Lay it on us!...You haven't laid it on anyone else, have you? Hagrid: Maaaay-beeee... McGonagall: Wait...you figured all this stuff out and I somehow never knew this? Harry: Pretty much. Gotta run, the climax is starting! Hermione: It's a good thing the giant dog is asleep... Fluffy: Fooled ya, didn't I? Ron: For just once I'd like to escape into a room that doesn't contain a large creature bent on killing us... Hermione: Chalk up another victory for the resident genius! Harry: Is it just me, or does it seem like every challenge we face somehow utilizes each of our individual skills? Ron: Well, now we know there was a purpose to that miniature chess scene! Hermione: If I'm the resident genius, how come he's leading the chess game? Ron: Pretty pleeeease don't kill me, Ms. Queen? Queen: Sure, you're young and innocent...but what the hey. Ron: Ack, I've been brutally beaten and knocked unconscious! Hermione: ...But all you did was fall off the horse. Harry: Don't cheapen it! Besides, I need some excuse to face the archenemy by myself. Quirrel: OOOH! Had all you first-time viewers fooled! Fans: Sorry, we were spoiled three months ago. Quirrel: Now you know why I haven't washed my hair in 11 years. Harry: Woah, hey, there's little kids in the audience, here! Voldemort: I am pure evil. But you should ignore that and join me anyway. Harry: Never! You killed my father! Voldemort: No, Harry. I AM YOUR....wait, wrong movie. Harry: Wow, it's the sorcerer's stone...how'd that get there? Quirrel: Don't worry, master! I'll stop him by imitating the Mummy! Voldemort: Why must all of my life assistants be either stuttering dimwits or sniveling victims? Harry: 'Cause the heroes already took all the intelligent sidekicks. Voldemort: Screw you! I'm going to rush through you as a cloud of evil spirit stuff! Harry: Not that that would knock me unconscious, but, you know... - HP - Dumbledore: Now that the climax is done, I'm going to clear up any plot misunderstandings for the audience! Fans: Would you like the short or long list of plotholes? Harry: So...I'm free from evil nemeses from now on, right? Dumbledore: HAA! Pull the other one! Ron: Dang, you're awake...now I can't eat your chocolate! Hermione: We lost the house cup. Of course, knowing the nature of this movie, that'll be rectified within the next five minutes or so. Dumbledore: Right you are, once again! Harry: So I guess these extra points make up for the ones we lost during detention. Fans: In other words, the only reward doing good gives is to balance out the naughty you did along the way! Malfoy: Whereas being a snot doesn't really achieve anything. Ron: Alright, enough morality lessons for today...it's summer vacation! Harry: Um...yippie. Ron: Oh yeah...summer bad for you. Well, don't have too much fun! Harry: Don't worry, I'm reeeeeally looking forward to that dusty cupboard. |
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| Lupin: You had cool parents. They gave me chocolate. --------- Dumbledore: I'm here to provide extended distraction. Look, another kamikaze bluebird! --------- Patronus: You cannot withstand the power of COSMIC BAMBI! |
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| Owl #1: So...you here delivering another Harry Potter letter? Owl #2: No, I'm just here for the free owl chow. -------- Snape: Nonsense...I harbor no ill will towards any of my students. You accursed little worm. -------- Ron: An invisibility cloak! And you're supposed to "use it well." Harry: Great, I've always wondered what the girls' dressing room looks like! -------- Centaur: And I look more like a monkey than a person. --------- Harry: Never! You killed my father! Voldemort: No, Harry. I AM YOUR....wait, wrong movie. |
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| Uncle Vernon: At least this constant running up and down stairs is burning calories. --------- Harry: Screw having a roof over my head; I'm outta here. --------- Knight Bus: *ILLEGALLY PARKED* --------- Trelawny: All this incense has made me loopy! Woooheefiggledeeblaaa... --------- Hermione: Does your inner eye need gargantu-focals, too? --------- Dumbledore: Well, this ending is way too depressing for a PG movie. I suggest you do something about it. |
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| Dumbledore: So what's wrong with Hagrid bringing the baby here? --------- McGonagall: You mean besides the fact that he's prone to sitting on small living creatures? --------- Hagrid: Check out my rather disruptive entrance! No, I don't need a haircut. --------- Dumbledore: To avoid the complications of a celebrity childhood, let's have Harry grow up in an abusively snobbish family. --------- McGonagall: Are you sure that's a good idea? --------- Dumbledore: Trust me, this sort of thing breeds dramatic irony like you wouldn't believe. |
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| Now that is a funny post , wow you really are good at finding this funny stuff, do you know who wrote the stories, because they are so funny |
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| Harry: Yay, I'm no longer surrounded by creepy adults! Mrs. Weasley: *HUGSANDKISSES* Harry: ...I stand corrected. |