Right. This was a project for English class. I had to write a 1000-2000 word short story for a fourth grader. For the most part, I don't have much critique. I have two weeks to complete and finish this, this is technically just a 'rough draft'. ANY and ALL critique is welcome, as long as you keep in mind it was written for a ten year old.
Abraham pecked against the wall. Once. Twice. Nothing was there, so he kept moving along the wall. Cooing as he strut down the mineshaft, he randomly pecked at different parts of the wall, trying to find something. He knew what he was looking for, but he wasn’t finding what he wanted.
Abraham’s eyes suddenly widened at this peck. Had he found what he wanted? His wings flapped, and the little hard hat on his head nearly fell off. Abraham grabbed the pickaxe from his belt and began his work. He struck the place hard. Once. Twice. The crack in the wall began to widen and get bigger. Something shiny was beginning to poke through.
Ditching the pickaxe, Abraham began to slowly peck away the wall, working in finer detail than the pickaxe could manage. His beak was hard, perfect for this kind of work. Slowly pieces of the wall came down, to reveal… a small, round diamond, hardly bigger than a coin. Cooing softly, Abraham gently lifted the precious gem out from its hole. It shined in the light coming from his hard hat.
His eyes darted to either side. He was alone in the mine. No one would miss one little gem, especially one this small. Quickly Abraham pocketed the diamond, and swiftly strutted away from the spot. Today was looking to be a good day.
-~-~-~-~-~-
“Karin!” Abraham cried out. He was rushing out from the mines, along with all the other pigeon workers. His friend stood near the fence, and even through the crowd she could pick out her friend. Abraham hurriedly ran forwards towards the hamster, glad to see her after a long day of work.
“So, didja find anything interesting out there today?” Karin asked as Abraham neared. The pigeon was out of breath, clearly the running taken more out of him than he thought. The rush out of the mines was mad; some were nearly trampled as they left.
Abraham wheezed out, “Got… something for… ya. Just… wait for… a bit.” He slanted against the fence, waiting for his breathing to normal out. Funny. He thought he was more fit than that. Might have had too many seeds during lunch. A few minutes passed, which Karin spent leaning over the fence, watching her friend. Abraham was very grey, but in the sunlight, his feathers reflected a nice rainbow across his neck. A single stripe of black ran across each wing, and the tip of his tail was pitch black as well. His orange and grubby feet poked out from beneath his blue suspenders, which were just as dirty.
Finally Abraham had his breath, and deftly jumped over the fence to the other side. “So. Karin. Tell me about your day.” He cooed, slowly walking over towards a tree. With a soft groan, Abraham rested against the tree, enjoying the fresh air of outside.
Karin soon joined him, sitting next to him. “Nothing too exciting. All my brothers were gone so I was just home alone to play.” She sighed, and rested her head against the old oak tree. “And what about you? You said you had something for me.”
Quickly Abraham looked about himself. He didn’t want anyone to find out. “Promise not to tell anyone? I’m not supposed to do this… but I found a diamond. It was so small… but so shiny! How could anyone resist?”
Karin’s eyes widened at what he had said. A diamond? Even a little one was very valuable… “Can… can I see it Abe?” She had never actually seen a diamond, only heard about them from her mother. Abe nodded, and fished the small gem out from his front pocket. Even though it was small, the sun caught it perfectly, making it shine with all the colours of the rainbow in his hands. She couldn’t believe how pretty it looked. Something the size of the coin, so beautiful. She didn’t think it would have been possible. Slowly, she reached out to touch it, but Abraham closed his hand and quickly put the gem away. He didn’t feel safe out here.
“Come on Karin, let’s get out of here. I’m sick of looking at that mineshaft.” Abraham proposed as he got up. He kept looking around, something didn’t feel right. Karin nodded, and the two hopped off deeper into the forest.
-~-~-~-~-~-
The snake’s tongue flickered out and back in, as it lay up in the tree. Rikki saw all as he hung above the bird and rodent. He saw the precious gem, and how the bird hid it. It was not his to have. But Rikki wanted it also, oh yes. How it shined and gleamed. Rikki wanted it badly. His brothers would want it also… So Rikki slithered out from the tree, carefully making his way from branch to branch to tell his family what he had learned. Thus that night, they planned what to do.
-~-~-~-~-~-
“Bye Abe! Seeya when you get back from work!” Karin cried out as she ran home. The sun had just risen and all the droplets on the leaves shone brilliantly. Birds were singing as they made their way about, and the little hamster scampered through the forest joyfully. She sniffed at all the flowers, waved to the squirrels as they ran through the branches.
Then the snakes struck. Rikki quickly sprung up in front of her, making her stop in fright. Another coiled up behind her, blocking all hopes of escape. The third came from the side, ramming into her and knocking her down to the ground. Rikki, Tikki and Tavi circled poor little Karin, and took her away.
-~-~-~-~-~-
Abraham swept a wing across his forehead as he walked out of the mine. He hadn’t found anything of interest today. Looking above the crowd, he noticed something strange. Karin wasn’t there waiting for him. She was always there waiting for him. Did she get sick during the day, or maybe hurt herself? Abraham had to know, and started to push his way through the worker crowd. Many angry coos rose up because of his actions, but he got to the fence that much quicker. He was about to jump over it and run to where Karin lived, before he noticed something. A note was hanging up on the tree. The same tree he and Karin had sat at but yesterday. Cautiously Abraham strutted over to the note, and read it.
We have rodent.
Bring gem.
Meet in dark part of forest.
Abraham’s beak dropped open. Someone had kidnapped Karin. They must have seen him yesterday, showing her the diamond…Karin was in trouble! But… they said the dark part of the forest. No one goes there. Not ever since… He shook his head. He had to go. His best friend was in danger, and he had to save her. Abraham quickly took to the skies, spreading his wings and flapping hard as he flew the way home. He only realized now that he had forgotten to return his pickaxe, but then his thoughts turned to Karin and he forgot all about work.
-~-~-~-~-~-
“Riikkiiiii… You left the note where he could find it?” Tikki said to his brother, tongue flickering out as he spoke. The third brother, Tavi, circled the area, ready to alert the other two at any notice. Karin sat in the middle of the clearing, shivering in fear. She had not been tied, for if she ran they would bite her. So she sat, fearful. But still hopeful. Abraham could come and rescue her. Of course he could, he was Abraham. He could do anything. He had saved her once before, he could do it again.
“Yesssss… I am sssure of it, Tikki. I leffft it where they ssssat. Jussst be ready to ssstrike when he comesss.” Rikki lay coiled right behind Karin, where she couldn’t see him, but she knew he was there. Her chances of escape did not look good… But she still remained hopeful.
Suddenly Tavi’s head sprung up as he heard a noise. “In the treeesss. He hidesss in the treeess.” Tavi hissed, looking to the branch where the noise had come from. It was bare, nothing except for leaves. But the sound came again, this time near Tikki. All three of the snakes spun their heads around to look at the noise, but again, the branch was bare.
“He playsss tricksss on usss!” Rikki cried out, head swinging every which way. None of the three could find the source of the sound. Rikki had left Karin alone; he and his brothers were circling the area, looking for that dratted bird. Karin saw her chance for escape. Quickly and as quietly as she could, she got up and began to sprint away from the snakes. But they were not so easily deceived. Tavi spun around as he heard the sound of feet on ground and rapidly caught up to the hamster and launched himself at her.
Not even a crafty snake would have noticed the silent sound of a bird swooping down from the skies. Abraham went down, and caught the wicked snake in his talons. Tavi lashed out, but could not bite into the sly pigeon, and carried high, high, high into the sky. Then Abraham released his catch, and let it fall into the forest. Swiftly he flew back to the clearing, only to find Karin in the middle of Rikki and Tikki. They weren’t going to be fooled this time.
“Yooou! You brought the gem, yesss?” Rikki insisted. Abraham nodded, and slowly took the precious diamond from his front pocket. “Goood! Lay it down on the ground. We will releeeassse the rodent. We promissse.” Slowly the two snakes slithered away from Karin, to show that they were being honest. Abraham still did not trust them. A snake is a snake.
“I have your diamond… here… you can have it!” Abraham roared, and brought his arm backwards. Both Rikki and Tikki knew what he planned. Everything seemed to slow, the snakes rushed forward towards the bird, and Abraham threw the little diamond high into the sky. The snakes stopped and looked into the sky. The diamond twinkled in the light from the setting sun, and began its fall to the ground.
Abraham took the chance. He grabbed his pickaxe from his belt, and with a mighty swing he brought down Tikki. Rikki hardly noticed, staring at the sparkling beauty. Staring at it all the way until it smacked him square in the face, knocking him out easily. The priceless stone bounced off the snake’s face and softly on to the ground, unhurt. Rikki swayed on the spot for a second, before collapsing on his brother.
Karin stood a little ways away, staring in awe. Abraham had done it. He had rescued her, once again. She couldn’t believe it. When she gained her senses, she ran over to Abraham, hugging him. “Oh thank you. Thank you I thought they were going to eat me thank you Abe thank you.”
Abraham wrapped a wing around her, returning the hug. He stooped down and picked up the nasty little diamond. The cause of so much trouble. He decided to just hurl it into the forest, and be rid of it forever. “Come on Karin. Let’s get out of here.” Slowly guiding her, the two walked out of the clearing, and back into the sunny part of the forest. The sun had gone down, and the stars were out, every one twinkling like a little diamond.
