I get loads of funny e-mails so I thought that I would share some of the with you and let you share anything you thought was funny.

This one made me laugh I hope it doesn't offend anyone.

FINAL NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a sane President of the USA and thus
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over
all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does
not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the
98.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside
your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for
further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise
your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same
twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you
know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up
"interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 1.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football.
You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper
football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play
rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve
stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour
like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side
by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is
a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians
have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh1t".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own
good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Elizabeth II

Just another one to make you laugh this one is side splitting.

QUOTES ARE FROM ACTUAL FEDERAL EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE
EVALUATIONS (USA):

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them."
9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all
together."
12. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15. "He's been working with glue too much."
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21. "A prime candidate for naturalde-selection."
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
24. "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28. "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
29. "One neuron short of a synapse."
30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60minutes.

That America one is pretty harsh. Funny, maybe, but not very nice towards Americans.. *shakes head* Englishmen and their weird sense of humor.. No offence hun ;P

It's no offence to me I'm not English, ti just got sent to me I mean no offence to anyone with it. I have loads more of these funnies if anyone wants me to post them.

yeah it is a bit harsh... i mean it kinda makes us sound like a bunch of crude idiots or something, but of course, it's not serious, meant to be taken lightly. we tend to make fun of ourselves anyway.

oh and "American English" does exist. the way we say aluminum is not wrong just different, same as the way we spell color and humor. gee, i feel like i'm being patriotic...that's weird :P

Go Marilyn! I'm very patriotic myself :D I totally agree with everything you said...we are a different country, and as so, are intitled to say things the way we want. I wouldn't want to live anywhere else personally! :D

I thought the America one was hilarious!! I emailed it to my sister!

I like th evaluations one too!! :)

personally, I like speaking American English, and listening to British English!

I feel lucky that I can still maintain my accent for all the weird pronounciation of the teachers from middle school to college! :)

Well I know everone talks different to the English I get made fun of because of the way I say film a say it filim. I will post another one.

I got set this one yesterday I hope you like it.

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was
astonished to see the
bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she
saw an envelope
propped up prominently on the centre of the bed. It
was simply
addressed
"mum"......with the worst premonition she opened the
envelope and read
the letter with trembling hands:






Dear Mum,



It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing
to
you, I had to elope with my new boyfriend, John
because I wanted to
avoid a scene with dad and you. I've been finding real
passion with
John
and he is so nice, even though he is 54, divorced (I
think) and on
parole, and also with all his piercing, tattoos,
beard, and motorcycle
clothes. But it's not only the passion mum, I'm
pregnant and John said
that he will take care of me and we will be very
happy. He already
nearly owns a caravan
on the outskirts of Wagga and has a stack of
firewood
for the whole winter.
He wants to have many more children with me and
that's
now one of my dreams too. John taught me that
marijuana doesn't really
hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and also
for trading it with
his friends for all the c*caine and *cstasy we want.
In the meantime I
ask that you pray that science will find a cure for
aids so John can
get
better; he sure deserves it. Don't worry mum, I'm
nearly 15 years old
now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day
we'll be back to
visit so you can
get to know your grand children.
Your daughter, Nikki
P.S. None of the above is true. I'm next door. I
just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in
life than my report
card which is in my desk drawer. I love you.....please
call me when it
is safe for me to come home.

hahaha, yeah i knew that one i read it on a magzine . actually we did give this idea to a friend who dared not to show his parents the report card!

Must admit I laughed my ass off with the first one. =P But maybe that's cuz I'm Portuguese and I can. :D Haha.

Didn't get around to reading the others yet.

I also get tons of fun mail, mostly in Portuguese, but here is a good one I got recently:


TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS : Maria!
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK : Because of the sign.
TEACHER : What sign?
FRANK : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables!
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER : No, that's wrong
GL ENN : Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD : H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
DONALD : Yesterday you said it's H to O!
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we
didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE : Me!
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER &n bsp; : Goss, why do you ! always get so dirty?
GOSS : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE : I is...
TEACHER : No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
TINO: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father
didn't punish him?"
LOUIS : Because George still had the ax in his hand.
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog!;
__________________________________________________________
T! EACHER : Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD : A teacher.

I love those they are hilarious.

hahaha really funny Alex

and Sadhbh the letter is briliant,i think i found the perfect Christmas present for my mom,she will love it,she usually enjoys this kind of humor :lol: :lol: :lol:

I keep laughing whiling reading, hahahaha.........the "water" one, hahaha...

Hahah that one's great indeed xD

This one made me laugh loads,

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity


1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair
Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with
That.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over
Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors."

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Dont use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme.

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All
Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party
Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Hard.

17. When The Money Comes Out Of The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling
"Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To
Have To Let One Of You Go."

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......

20. Send This Message To Someone To Make Them Smile...It's Called Therapy

LOOOL I read that one ages ago and totally forgot about it xD Thanks so much for reminding me :D

I used to ask people all the time if they wanted fried with that :P Hahaha

I laughed off my chair on 10th :D :D :D

if i do say "I won" to the ATM, will policeman come, mind me ask...?

Hahah I like the idea of someone putting a bill on a Change Machine and when all the coins come out that person goes I WOOOOONNN! :D

when I was a sophermore there was an army training in college. some students didn't want to get up early for breakfast, they just got up late and bought breakfast at the snack dispenser.

so some people went to the dispenser at night and put a bill into the machine and changed the bill into coins until no coin left in. the next moring when people rushed to buy a drink or sandwich with a bill, no charges came out! :P they had to take the time and bought all the staff in the dispenser to fullfil the bill and of course got late for the training... ^_^

Here is an absolutaly hilarious I was killing myself reading this one.

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 4th November 2004

RE: Christmas Party


I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill
House.


There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band
playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And don't be
surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will
be lit at 1.00p.m.. Exchange of gifts among employees can be

Done at that time, however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make
the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is for
employees only! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

Pauline

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees

DATE: 5th November 2004
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.

We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides
with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on
we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'.. The same policy applies to any other
employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or
Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.



I hope all are happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,



Pauline.





FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 6th November 2004

RE: Holiday Party



Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to
accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA
Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!! How am I supposed to handle
this?



Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now
since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management
believe £10.00 is a little cheap.



NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.



Pauline.





FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 7th November 2004



RE: Holiday Party



What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until
the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home
in a little foil doggy bag, Will that work?



Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the
toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to
sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower
arrangements for the gay men's table too. To the person asking permission to
cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for
short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot
control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood
pressure taste the food first.. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for
Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!





Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!



Pauline.







FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F****** Employees

DATE: 8 November 2004



RE: The ******** Holiday Party.



Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep this
party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly
at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it,
you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know
tomatoes have feeling too, They scream when you slice them. I've heard them
scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!! I hope you all have a rotten
holiday, drink drive and die.



The Bitc*h from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!







FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 9th November 2004



RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party



I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery,
and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the
Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give
everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.


Chris

drove a normal person crazy in such an easy way, HAHAHAHA

I know that would personally drive ME crazy! :P

seeing as its Christmas I thought this would be a good one.

A Christmas Fairy Tale

One particular Christmas, a long long time ago, Santa was getting ready
for his annual trip. Alas, there were problems everywhere. Four of his
elves got sick and the trainee elves just weren't producing the toys as
fast as the regular ones. Poor Santa was beginning to feel the pressure
of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Clause announced that her mom was
coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness
the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and
two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.



Furthermore, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards
cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground scattering the toys everywhere.

Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a
shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves
had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his
frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into
hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the
broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.
He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa.

Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you
like me to 'stick it'?"

--- And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

That one about the Christmas Party sounds so familiar to me, lol. When I was arranging an exchange project I was facing the same problems, 'I'm vegetarian so is there anything without meat to eat?' 'Uh, I'm not allowed to visit a church due to my belief.' Drove me nuts at the time! The one about the little angel seriously cracks me up :)

are we allowed to post funny pics? well here goes anyway...

kitty launching into space....




oh do piss off!!



what are you lookin' at??!!




are we nearly there yet?


sorry.... turned into a bit of a cute animals spam!!! :blush: :flower:

I WANNA SEE THE PIIIIIIIIICS, COMPUTER!!! <_<

Aww, those pics (esp. the second kitten) are so cute. And I love the captions!

the pics are hilarious.

Daphne-au, i'll post the links to each pic here if you want... and maybe then you'll be able to see them. i don't understand why you can't see them and everyone else can??!! very strange.... anyways... the links

kitty launching into space

oh do piss off

what are you lookin' at?

are we nearly there yet?

HOPE THESE WORK FOR YOU!!! Everyone needs cute animal goodness!! :)

thank you, Lou, it's very nice of you to do so!
I think my network is going crazy or I can't figure any other reason that why I can't visit the forum as usual :blink:

Here is one which i think will make you laugh.

King Arthur and the Witch:



Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.



The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.



He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.



Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.



But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.



The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.



The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!



Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never enc! ountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.



He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.



He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.



Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:



What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.



Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.



And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.



The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened



The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.



Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?



Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?



What would YOU do?



What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?













Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.



Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.



Now....what is the moral to this story?






The moral is.....

If you don't let a woman have her own way....

Things are going to get ugly

ha ha! absolutely true. i studied the Chaucer version of that story- The Wife of Bath's Tale from the Canterbury Tales.. it was slightly different but basically the same..... such a good story!

truely! ^_^

Okay, you may not consider this a 'funny', but I think this is just AMAZING.

http://84.40.3.164/

That was pretty cool, Alex!! I can honestly say that I've never seen anything like that before.

Yeah, I was totally awestruck Booshie. That's so frickin amazing. *_*

oh yeah thats the Honda ad we have over here, it did kinda make my laugh. I love the Honda ads.

I know its not a funny email or anything but I did the most stupid thing today. I was at work, feeling really tired, and I was making a cup of tea for a coustomer. I turned around and asked him did he want water with it, duh. I meant to ask him did he want milk, i felt so stupid.

HAHAHA :D Poor you ^^

Yesterday I was talking about Homer, from The Simpsons, and I accidentally called him Herman. >_>


I say weird things when I'm telling people stuff and am excited about it. My mouth doesn't work as fast as my brain. lol