For almost five years, I had been with my high school sweetheart, and those of you who read my livejournal are probably used to hearing all about him and the stuff we do.

I broke up with him on Tuesday. It's relatively amicable; I want to be his friend in some capacity, but I just can't marry him. Too much drama from the old days is hanging over my head and the realization that we had just run our course had been creeping into the back of my mind more and more in the past several months. I don't think I really want to get into details...I don't want people to think poorly of him, because he is still a good person and he is still someone I care about very much.

And that's what makes it so hard to do what I know has to happen. If it didn't happen this week it would have happened at an even less opportune time. The rest of the year is nothing but holidays and family traditions...and our anniversary. I had to do it, I think he knows that, and others are right, it's the bravest thing I have ever had to do. It hurts so badly to see him hurt, to rip him from my life, and to tell him that it still won't work no matter how perfect he acts. It hurts to know how great he still thinks I am. It hurts to have to cut off the only thing that's been consistent in my life for the last five years. Every day, I always had him.

But deep down, behind the literal dull aching of my heart, I know it will feel good soon. I wasn't happy, I wouldn't have been happy, but maybe things will work out as friends. I hope they will but it might be a while before we can reach that point.

Being that most of HPU is high school aged, I don't imagine many of you can relate. But if there's anyone who can, I would appreciate it. Either way, I could use some support right now, and I know you all are wonderful with that.

Edit: I'm sorry, I know the board is still offline right now and I should probably be helping with that, I just really really need all the support I can get right now.

*huggles* I can't say I've ever been the one voluntarily doing the letting go, but I can definitely sympathize with breaking up. Just stay strong, sweety. As you said, the aching will pass, the rain will clear up, and the endless possibilities will start to take shape.

Remember, as cliché as it sounds, an ending always marks a new beginning.

Thanks :) I think the worst part is just seeing him hurt and listening to him come to terms with it, and having to tell him that it's not going to happen when he desperately tries to win me back. I think that's why yesterday was so rough on me. By this afternoon I felt fine, my appetite was back. For the first time since Monday, I was physically capable of eating a meal. There's an unfamiliar little aching in my chest still, but it really is drowned out by a kind of relief. I have no hard feelings against him, I just want him as a friend.

I am stopping by our traditional Friday night hangout tomorrow to get my laptop from him. He had been borrowing it for a while now, and just got his own, so this is something that would have taken place tomorrow no matter our status. I am just hoping that he has started to deal with things and to realize that we would all be better off if he didn't try to woo me anymore. I hope our mutual friends are being supportive with him, because I've got my family to lean on. He needs his own support system, and I think they're the best bet. I just hope none of them decide to hate me for this...they all thought we were absolutely perfect together. But, you know, they weren't in the relationship so all they got was the perfect parts. Anyway, I hope there's no hostility tomorrow but also no more pleading.