ok, so i have to turn in a story for english. a short story, under 2000 words. it was very hard to keep it that short. but i need honest to God opinions. if it sucked, just flat out tell me.

On the day of December 18, Alayna was sitting on her couch sipping hot chocolate under her blanking watching TV. The seventeen year old was sitting home alone on the phone with her friend, Andrea.
"Both of our parents are going to be gone for a week and a half. We so should have a party!" Alayna squealed. Andrea laughed on the other side.
"Hey, hold on, someone's calling on the other line," Alayna said. She pressed a button on the phone. "Hello?"
Silence.
"Hello?" She continued. "Hey there sexy, the other line said. "Who is this?" Alayna asked. "Who d'ya think? It's your lover," the guy said back. "Oh really?" Alayna said flirtatiously. "And does my lover have a name?"
"How's the movie?" he ignored the question.
"Excuse me?"
"How 'bout that hot chocolate? D'ya think I can have a sip when I come over?"
"No one said you were coming over. Who is this?" Alayna started to get up.
"Oh no, no. No need to get up. I'll let myself in. The front door started to rattle.
"Get a life you loser," Alayna said, and switched back to the line with Andrea.
"Who was that?" Andrea asked.
"Some little kid prankster. Don't worry about it, " Alayna replied.
Alayna's other line started beeping again. "Hold on," she said and she switched back to the other line. "OK listen up asshole. I don't want to hear your bull anymore, so don't call here again!" Alayna shouted and hung up on him.
"Andrea?"
"Yes? Did you take of the other person?"
"Yeah I did. So anyway, what were we talking about?"
The front door started shaking again. Alayna turned around to face it. "Hey Andrea, hold on for a sec," and she put down the phone and got up from her chair and started heading for the front door. She walked through the kitchen and grabbed a butcher knife off the counter. She quickly ran over and locked her front door.
Someone started tapping on her window. Alayna turned. No one was there. She closed all the blinds and went back to the couch.
"Ok, I'm back," she said picking up the phone. "So who should we invite" Andrea asked. Alayna didn't respond. She was staring at the television which was now turned off. "Alayna?" Andrea cried. "Alaaaayna?"
"Andrea..."Alayna said finally. "...can you come over, like now?"
"Why?"
"I think there's someone in my house, and I'm scared."
"Don't be so silly. No one's inside your house."
A noise came from the kitchen. Alayna jumped and turned to see what it was. Nothing. She turned back to the face the black TV. She yelled into the phone, "Please Andrea, I'm not kidding. There's someone in my house. Can you please come?"
She was crying now.
Suddenly the radio turned on in the kitchen. "Please hurry," Alayna said as she hung up the phone. She dashed out of the living room running to turn the radio off. She started the breathe heavily.
"Tonight on ABC 12 news, a robbery..."
Alayna slowly walked back to the living room. The TV was back on. Her hands started shaking as she reached for the remote to turn it off.
"And here's Green Day's 'Wake Me Up When September Ends'. This is K122 Rock.'"
Alayna ran up the stars to her room, knife still in hand.
The phone started ringing. She slowly picked up the receiver and brought it to her ear. "Hello?" she said quietly.
"Baby, do you really think you need that knife?"
She hung up. After a few seconds the phone started ringing again. She grabbed it and screamed into it, "What do you want with me? Why are you doing this?"
"Alayna, chill. It's me Andrea. I'm here, but the front door is locked," Andrea said.
Alayna took a deep breath and said, "Ok, I'm coming."
"Calm down Alayna. I'm here now, no one's going to come for you," Andrea said in a soothing voice.
Alayna hung up and slowly started heading down the stairs. When she reached the front doors, she looked out the window. She let go a huge sigh of relief when she saw Andrea. She opened the door, yanked Andrea in and slammed the door behind her.
Andrea looked at Alayna. Her eyes were red, her make up was running and her whole body was shaking.
Andrea grabbed Alayna and hugged her. As Alayna started crying again, Andrea said, "It's ok now, it's ok."
One of the upstairs bedroom doors slammed. Andrea's head jolted up and Alayna turned to face the stairs.
There were now footsteps going about above the two girls' heads. The radio in the kitchen turned off.
Alayna grabbed Andrea's hand and ran in the opposite direction. They ran down the stairs into the basement and ran out the back door, into the dark night.
One the two girls were a safe distance from the house, Alayna and Andrea turned to face it. All the lights were on. Andrea pointed to a window and said, "Look."
There was a shadow in the room walking around. That's my parents' bedroom," Alayna said. The shadow stopped. It turned to face the window. The curtains slowly started moving away from the windows.
Alayna and Andrea ran for it. When they got to the front of the house, Andrea unlocked her car and they both got in. She started the engine.
Someone grabbed Alayna's shoulder. The two girls turned to find a sinister man sitting in the backseat. They screamed.
Andrea got out of the car and started running. She turned around to find Alayna still in the car. The man was choking her from behind as she was struggling to get free.
As Andrea started heading back to her car, the guy grabbed the knife which was still in Alayna's hand, and stabbed her in the chest.
Andrea stopped. The man let go of the lifeless body and turned to face Andrea. The front door opened. Another man stepped out and looked over at Andrea and smiled.
Andrea ran for it, and didn't stop. She finally found another house and started banging on the front door. No one answered.
She turned around and noticed her car was in the driveway and Alayna's lifeless body was still in the passenger seat.
Andrea ran down the porch steps and when she turned the corner, she ran into the guy who was in the car with her earlier. He grabbed her by the wrist. He had a bloody knife and smiled. She tried shaking him off but she failed. He attempted to stab her but she ducked and kicked him the the crotch. He missed but she still cut Andrea's arm. She got loose and ran to the next house and started banging.
A man opened the door. "Please called the cops," she was yelling. The man looked at her arm and invited her in. Andrea recognized the man but couldn't place him, but it was better than nothing. She went in. The man locked the door.
Andrea stopped. She recognized the him, it was the man at the door. She turned to face him. He was smiling at her and knocked her out.
The next morning, news was out.
"Two girls found murdered in a
car. The two teenagers were
identified as Alayna Black and
Andrea Roberts. The car was
known to belong to Miss Roberts
and the car was found in front of
Miss Black's house. Alayna Black
who was seventeen, was stabbed in
the chest and choked, while Andrea
Roberts had numerous bruises all
over her body including a deep cut in her
arm, and was repeatedly stabbed. Whether
the girls were raped in still unknown,
but is suspected. There are no suspects yet."



i wrote this in 2 periods. so what do you all think? i need honest opinions. ANY kind of help would help me, even if its grammatical or what not. hope its good. oh yea, i need a title, any suggestions? ^_^

Wow,it is creepy,but good.what class is that for,creative writing?

its for honors english. i changed a few things. like when they found the bodies, alayna had the knife in her hand, and i changed teh date to september 18 instead of december

whoa...creepy but very good, i like it