``Yiki -Blademaster«

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``BASIC INFORMATION«

»CHARACTER NAME• Yuki

»PLAYER NAME• Nai Rikuji

»PLAYER AGE• 13

»CLASS• Blademaster

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»HAIR• White

»EYES• Blue

»HEIGHT• 4" 3"

»WEIGHT• 94 lbs

»TATTOOS• N/A

»OVERALL APPEARANCE• Yuki is a short and slim girl, her build not at all a warriors. She has long white hair, with ribbons and bells adorning it in a sort of headdress. Her small body is clothed in robes of navy blue, under which her navy and white lacquered armor shows. Her robe is open in the front from waist down for easy movement in battle, showing her cloth and armor skirt and her long, black armored boots. All the cloth is intricately embroidered in white and gold. Cloth and armored gauntlets, along with her matching sheath and sword, complete the picture.

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»WEAPONS•

• Brave Sword: Level 1
  PAt 4 PAc 2 PDf 0 PEv 0
  MAt 0 MAc 0 MDf 0 MEv 0
  Earth 0 Water 0 Thunder 0 Body 0
  Wood 0 Fire 0 Darkness 0 Spirit 0
  Crack Beat

»ARMOR•

• Head: Bandanna - Repth (10)
• Body: Leather Coat - Gan Zot (20)
• Arm/Hand: Wristbands - Juk Rom (10)
• Leg/Foot: Sandals

»STATS•

• HP: 70 [50 + (level *20)]
• SP: 10 [6 + (level *4)]
• PAt: 4
• PAc: 2
• PDf:
• PDv:
• MAt:
• MAc:
• MDf:
• MDv:

»SKILLS•

• {B} Crack Beat: Lvl 1 None SP 10
• Repth: Heal 150 Hp on one target SP 10
• Gan Zot: Lvl 1 Raise SP 20
• Juk Rom: Lvl 1 Tornado SP 10

»PERSONALITY• Yuki is a girl who loves being cute, and loved by others. She often does stuff just because she thinks it would be cute. She loves to be protected by others, but also loves being frightened, thus, her habit of going into creepy dungeons. She also finds others fear of things funny. However, she doesn't go as far as to make people think she's cruel or unfeeling, as she has a terrible fear of her friends turning against her.
»LIKES•

• Cats
• Adventure
• Unique items
• Finding treasure

»DISLIKES•

• Dying
• Being bored
• People who steal your treasure
• Money beggars

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``HOW SHE ENTERED THE WORLD«

“SURPRISE!”

Nai jumped in the air in surprise as her friends and family leapt out from behind chairs and the sofa, the lights suddenly turning on to reveal the decorations and presents on the table, lavishly shining with Happy Birthday printed all over it. She squealed in delight as her friends rushed up to hug her, and she hugged them back, jumping up and down in delight.

“Happy Birthday, Nai! Happy Birthday!” Everyone around her called out their own greetings as she was passed through the crowd until she was sitting on the couch, ready to start the party.

----

A few hours passed, and it was time to open presents. Nai opened each one carefully, squealing in happiness as she revealed books, stuffed animals, and the like. A small package was passed to her next, by her mother. “This ones from me, dear.” She said, smiling and indicating for her to open it. Nai carefully extracted the small box from the wrappings, and her friends squealed while she gaped.

“The World!” they cried. “You're so lucky!” Nai grinned, and hugged the game. She had been begging for months to get this game, she had seen multiple commercials, and was following several of her online friends' blogs of their adventures of the game. Now Nai could finally join them.

“Thank you so much!”

----

The party was now over, and Nai was in her room, with all the lights off. The only light was the shining of the computer screen. Nai quickly opened the package for The World, and slid in the installation disk. While the computer processed it, and started installing the game, Nai paged through the instruction manual. She grinned, seeing how customizable everything was. As the game screen popped up, she started creating her character, mumbling to herself.

"Name...? Umm... Nai?" she typed in her own name. "Taken. Umm... how about... Yuki?" she tried that. Taken as well. "Are there any names available at all?" she wondered, hoping she wouldn't have to use numbers. "Umm, let's try something unusual... Yiki?" she tried that. Green words popped up on the screen, indicating that the name was available. "Yes! Yiki... hmm... has a nice ring..." she celebrated quietly, and picked out her character age and gender. She decided she wanted to play a young character, and definably a female.

"Hmm... what class... Wavemaster? Nah, too defenseless. Twin blade...? To small... Heavy blade is too big... I'll be a Blademaster!" she muttered to herself, thinking aloud and chose blademaster. Finally, she was at the character look customization stage.

"I want something... unique..." she muttered, clicking through the options till she saw an armor design she liked. She clicked through some other options, changing the color and style of the armor, and found she could put a robe on top and customize that too. She grinned, her clothing was looking good. With the clothing she looked... majestic. She added a little hairpiece, which added to the effect. Then, she started customizing the character itself, adding long hair, and large blue eyes. She liked the way it looked. This girl looked beautiful, but dangerous.
Lastly, she chose a sword design that matched the clothes, and clicked the Complete button.

Nai stretched back in her chair, glad that she was done. She picked up the FMD and the controller, and pressed a button.

It was time to enter The World.

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The only thing I really see wrong with this is that your origin story needs to be at least a page in MS word. Edit that in and I think you'll be good to go! ;D

Just adding on a little more to what Shenny has already said, here are some ideas as to how to add on to your background story:

- A bit of a back history of your character, why they act the way they do, etc.
- The actual registration of their character and why they designed their character to be the way they are.
- Anything that gives us a look into how both of your characters "tick".

Otherwise, great job so far! =D

- You really like the word 'slim.'
- Watch your apostrophes: they only happen when demonstrating a conjunction (any abbreviation of words that shortens or combines them), or when demonstrating possession (as in "a warrior's")
- One of your commas deserves to be upgraded to a semi-colon; see if you can figure out which one. :P
- Typically we keep two line-breaks between paragraphs. This makes them easier to distinguish from one another.
- Your first sentence is a run-on.
- Again, watch your apostrophes (or lack thereof).
- You've got a couple punctuation errors surrounding exclamations of "It's The World!" There's also an incorrect 'your' there (look up the difference between "you're," "your," and "yore").
- As has been said, your story needs to be at least one page in MS Word (and don't listen to Savior if you don't want to :P).

Looks good. Post again once you've updated. ^_^

I know all that grammar stuff... Im lazy when it comes to writing large quantities though and I skip stuff. >.< Ill go over it.

I added a bunch to the story, and it IS a page on ms word now... depending on what font you use....>.>;

Read through your additions, and I must tell you to go through and check grammar and spelling. Also, please add an extra space between paragraphs: it makes it much easier on the eyes.

You're almost there, though. ^_^

If your talking about the extra space between paragraphs overall, I tried. Invisionfree wont let me do it with the lists. I will go through and do it with the story... Thatll make it look longer. >.>;
I did go through and fix the grammar that I saw, but I have to say, I write good and I have alot of imagination, and I understand basic grammar... but Im no english major. English, besides history, was my worst subject and I only didnt fail it all because I was good overall at writing...>.< And Im no spelling bee champ either, but Ill run it all through spellcheck, cause I didnt spot any problems. >.>

EDIT: Ran it through spell and grammar check and fixed the problems... I must have been on a brain holiday this morning, spelling all of those things wrong. >.< I know how most of em are supposed to be spelled.

Welcome to the World!
Please post a copy of your registration in the User Profiles section.

I have a couple notes, though, to help you in the future: the punctuation and capitalizations that you have around your dialogue/spoken words are simply incorrect. Unless the quotation ends the sentence, it doesn't receive a period, question mark, or exclamation point; commas are far more commonly used (even if it was a complete thought). Because of this, the "he said"s and "she exclaimed"s are almost never capitalized (which you had correct). Oh, and "ones" should be "one's" - it was originally "one is" but is punctuated to "one's."

Oh, and I almost failed out of English myself in high school. ^_^