1. Name of Character in The World- Alfonce

2. Name of Real World Player- Jack Greenfield

3. Age-

Alfonce: 20

Jack: 19

4. Class- Heavy Blade

5. Eye color- A light blue tint.

6. Hair color- Deep chocolate brown that messily hangs down to his shoulders.

7. Height- Six feet, four inches.

8. Clothing- First off, Alfonce wears no helmet. His plate body consists of a black, warped metal with spikes running along his right arm and a solitary, jagged spike on the shoulder. The left side of his plate body has no distinguishable features. His plate legs are follow the same concept as his body; a large spike on the knee with smaller spikes running along the front and sides of his leg, while the left leg is barren. Surprisingly, his boots are thick leather.

9. Personality- Jack keeps his personality the same wherever he goes; relaxed, but alert, nonchalant, almost as if bored, although he can push out a wise crack or joke about a person, place, item, and whatever.

10.Weapon/Armor and Skills-

Head – Bandanna (Repth)
Arm – Wristbands (Juk Rom)
Body – Leather Coat (Gan Zot)
Feet – Sandals
Weapon - Adventurer (Death Bringer)

11. Jack brushed past Michael, his first friend, after a heated discussion on something that was now thrown into the confines of his brain. Michael turned around and raved about something inaudible to Jack. Jack just nonchalantly waved his hand over his shoulder. A few seconds later, he felt a dull pain from his lower pack. He turned his head, seeing Michael with his fist stuck near Jack's kidney. Jack spun around and shoved harshly, making Michael stumble, then topple. He continued down the hallway, Michael still calling after him. Jack turned a corner, then saw his dorm room, two other friends standing outside and talking.

Jack opened his dorm door and slid in silently. He walked near his bunk, then flopped down noisily, startling his friend sitting in front of their dorm computer. The figure yelped, then spun around, his glasses nearly propelling off of his face. "Please don't sneak up on me! I'm working on something important, Jack!"

Jack sighed, then turned his head and stared his friend down. "And what would that be?"

"I'm playing The World."

Jack rolled his eyes and groaned, then threw his legs off his bunk and stood up. "Not that again." He sighed again, then placed his hand on his friend's shoulder. "Listen, you're not going to get your account back, that hacker is too skilled to try to find from a college computer."


The friend pushed up his glasses, then shook his head. "You're wrong, I'm gonna find him and I'll-I'll-I..." The friend looked confused, then looked at Jack. "How about you join and look for the hacker?"

Jack grinned, then flopped down again on his bed. "What will I get out of it; the gratitude of a young adult - eyes glued to the computer?"

The friend stood up and pointed at Jack. "Take that back!"

Knowing the imminent onslaught of stuttering, Jack waved his hand, then brushed past his friend and sat down on the computer. "Fine, I'll help." He sat down and turned the chair to the computer screen. He craned his head over his right shoulder. "So...how do I do this?"

The friend grinned widely, then approached Jack's side. "First, you'll get your own copy." He ejected the disc, then inserted another. Jack groaned, then pinched the bridge of his nose. "There are different discs?"

"Yes. You need your own copy." The friend typed some stuff rapidly on the keyboard, then pointed. "Want me to make your guy?" Jack leaned back in the chair. "Sure. Atleast when you make him, he'll look atleast remotely to me." He stood up and let his friend sit down and work quickly on Jack's character. Several minutes later, the friend ushered Jack over, who pointed at his character.

Jack raised his eyebrows, impressed. "Alright, now how do I play this?" The friend stood up, then pointed at the headset. "Put that on, then basically it's a bread crumb trail to playing." Jack slipped on the headset, then leaned his head back. "Ah."

(Now, for the flood of corrections and controversy. Aye.)

I'll begin with a couple of minor things before hitting the big buttons.

-Although your semicolon uses strike me as odd (I was taught that both sides of the semicolon require independent clauses?), Spell/Grammar Check sees no issue with the two instances you have.

-I'm not quite sure why the line breaks are present in the clothing description - the individual sentences function just as well in paragraph format (and it looks neater).

-There are a couple of typos scattered throughout your description (platelegs and platebody are both cases of two words incorrectly joined, surprisingly, etc.).

That stuff isn't what's holding you from clearing the registration hurdle, though. The biggies I can spot are:

-We operate within the universe of the games - dotHack to us is referred to as The World to the characters we roleplay. It's a bit confusing, I know.

-Your apostrophe use is incorrect. While the contraction situation is perfect, your use to illustrate ownership has it in the wrong place. The apostrophe should be located before the 's' at the end of the word if the subject is singular. Maybe an example or two is in order.

Sues' dog loves chasing mailmen. <----The apostrophe here is bolded because it needs to be shifted one space to the left. Otherwise, it's implying that the dog belongs to multiple Sues. You have a few instances of this in your story, look closely.

Sue's dog loves chasing mailmen. <----You see? Here, we're stating that the dog belongs to one Sue. It works this way for plural objects, as well (Ivan's glasses, Mary's saxophones, Jeremy's drugs linens).

-Some of your sentences suffer the Comma Curse. While commas can help extend a sentence slightly, they really should be used in moderation for that purpose. An example in your story is the first sentence. We could really split that sentence into two, with better effect.

-Your story length needs to be longer. We need at least one full page in Microsoft Word or an equivalent word processor (preferably more!), at 12 pt font size. As it stands, your story is just over half that. I like your dialogue, but it accounts for too much of the text. The paragraphs need to have more meat on their bones. Details, details. We're all suckers for details. More, more, more! Your writing career on this site will be much smoother in the future if we can just get a bit of length starting off. Details help that. One thing that we can use to rectify this: Jack's creation of his character. Go through how he got a copy of The World (I'm assuming he doesn't share a copy with his friend), the process of creating his character, and maybe a very quick first step into the game. If he shares the copy his friend has, try adding some more events that occur outside the game, maybe leading up to his return to the dormitory. This should get you over the mark, but see if you can beef up the rest of your paragraphs as well.

You're making good headway, just fix up what I've covered and run it through a spell checker and you should be golden like quality jewelery!

My apologies. It was about midnight when I finished it due to real-life problems. My brain was fried. I'll fix it as much as I can today and possibly later. Thanks for the corrections. And if you want to know about the spacing for the clothing section, I used to play an old RP board that encouraged spacing the clothing section because they couldn't read a whole paragraph, and I can't grammar check/spelling check/etc. because I only have Wordpad, not WP. :D

http://www.openoffice.org/ <-- Free Office Software (not Microsoft, but it works)

And in a couple months, the Microsoft core productivity suite will be available online for free, so you won't even have to bother with Open Office.

Post again once it's updated.

EDIT: and have a read through this if you haven't already. I know that long post is long, but it's chock full of useful information.

My comp can't download anything. =)

...if you can view websites, your computer can download stuff.

But it doesn't matter. That's why I provided the other link for you to read through.

Post again once you've updated your registration.