View Full Version: Ruin Oda

.hack//DIVERGENCE Subplot > Character Registration > Ruin Oda


Title: Ruin Oda
Description: Memories...


LoneAngelic - June 12, 2009 09:52 AM (GMT)
(( First off, I did not use the Template you gave me. But one of my own I made, It does the same thing and all of the info is still there. If you do however need me to re post in the given template I can with no problem what so ever. ))

His Description

[OOC]
"I am just an average man, with an average life."
Jason is a simple and average guy. He stands at an average height of 5’9’’ and weighs only about 160 lbs. His build is quite slim and not very fit. He never worked out at all, and this of course was because of the lack of motivation recently in his life. His attire outside of the work environment is almost always a t-shirt and jeans. Some times his shirts will have witty or clever little sayings on the front; his favorite one of course being the one that said “I game therefore I am.” It was one he held onto over the years mainly because like all things he had taken care of it had memories. His hair was blond and messy, most of the time at least. His eyes where a deep blue and they seemed always sad, even when he smiled.
user posted image
Name: Jason
Age: 18 (To be 19)
Hair: Straight shoulder length light blond hair.
Eye: Dark Blue eyes.
Complexion: Pale to Average Complexion
Height: 5'9''
Weight: 162 lbs
Build: Slim, Unfit.
Persona: Kind, Caring, and Quite.


[IC]
"What is reality?"
His avatar was called "Ruin the Heavy Blade." He liked the name but did not know why he liked it or even why he chose it. When creating his avatar he first thought of a color scheme, a basic and overall feel for the character. He thought hard about this. He always looked at "The World," through a very artistic nature. After a while he figured in the height and weight, which where the exact same as his own along with the eye color. The hair however was off, he started with a blond color but after a few moments he figured a darker color would be best. He skimmed through the color wheel and found a rather light brown color that fit perfect. The shaggy style of the hair gave a simple look, but one that seemed unique and hopefully not over used. From the back side of his head his hair split into two rather long tails. At the tip they popped out into fluffs of hair from metal bands that held them in place. At last he did the build of his character. He went with a logical approach and decided that since his weapon was rather large he would be a rather strong warrior. He made his avatar look muscular but not buff, just enough to show that he was fit and very much in shape.

He went on to the clothing now. His clothing would need to be plain and simple yet unique. Something soft and calm that made sure people knew who he was just by a glance. He started with a cloth under shirt, followed by baggy cloth pants. He made them both a dim white color, it was a rather plain and boring color but with the right contrast could make for an interesting look. He added some plate armor on the shoulder and the legs at first. Then going back over he added some spikes to the plate on his shoulder and knees, soon after he added into it some rivets for detail. After he had his armor worked out a bit he did a quick double take and decided that it could use something more. He looked for some other various things to add and came across a serious of belts and straps. He placed them all over, adding a sense of contrast to his avatar. The belts were brown leather like items, they had no real purpose but they seemed right. He went on to other things he noticed his neck seemed exposed. He went through the various neck items and came across a nice brown cloth scarf that covered his lower face almost and worked well with his armor. He added a few more touches like the plate gauntlets and various other straps and buckles, he liked those for some reason. Soon, well not so much soon but more of an hour or so later he was done. His new avatar crafted in his own mind to perfection, just for him.
user posted image
Name: Ruin Oda
Age: 19
Hair: Shaggy long light brown hair.
Eye: Dark Blue eyes.
Complexion: Pale to average complexion.
Height: 5'9''
Weight: 170 lbs
Build: Fit, Slim.
Persona: Direct, but soft in a way. Always calm and serene.

His Persona
((The best way to explain this is from my point of view. For me it is just easier that way.))

The best way to describe Ruin's character is to describe Jason's character. Jason himself is a timid shy and rather depressed guy right now so, that is how he would play Ruin. He does not like the idea of role play that much, but he enjoys playing the game. People however mistake his attitude for a role played character when really it is just him being him. The two most distinct features are his calm attitude and his quite nature. He is not very good at meeting new people or saying goodbye as well, this is all from the lack of social activity over the past month or so. He feels inside like he has been neglected from society and this all falls back on his lack of confidence that has come from his past relationship. Little things in his life as you see have built up into who he currently is. Now will this be the same forever? That I honestly do not know, let's all see where the RP takes him.



His Character
Name: Ruin Oda
Class: Heavy Blade
HP:70/70
SP:10/10
Level: 1
GP: 1000
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=STATS=-
PAt 3 PAc 1 PDf 0 PEv 0
MAt 0 MAc 0 MDf 8 MEv 24
Earth 3 Water 3 Thunder 3 Body 0
Wood 3 Fire 3 Darkness 3 Spirit 12

-=GEAR=-
Head – Bandanna (Repth)
Arm – Wristbands (Juk Rom)
Body – Leather Coat (Gan Zot)
Feet – Sandals
Weapon - Adventurer (Death Bringer)

-=SKILLS=-
Repth
Juk Rom
Gan Zot
Death Bringer

-=ITEMS=-
none...


His Story...
Memories...

He looked at it, just looked at it. The game, The World; it had been a long time since he last picked it up. He had honestly thought he had gotten rid of it a long time ago. When he moved out alot of his stuff had gotten lost in the process so he had of course given up looking for some of his things. He sighed deeply holding it in one hand as memories rushed back of friends, adventure, and fun. “Good times really,” He said to himself in the lonely closet of his new and rather plain apartment. He had recently moved out and was now supporting himself entirely from his new job as a graphic designer for a small starts up game development company, nothing to be proud of but something interesting none the less.

The game in his hand however, this game called "The World." It was one thing he had almost forgotten about entirely, over the past two months he had forgotten about a lot of things that made him smile: love, games, girls, a social life. His whole life had been turned upside down due to one tragic event, to him at least.

About two months ago, he had a falling out with his girlfriend. She had been cheating on him! Of all the people she could have picked, she just had to chose Jason's rather close friend, James. He of course did like always and just left it alone giving up his girl to his friend and along with her went a rather large chunk of his social life.

Soon after came the move. The move went rather well for him and the depression seemed to be fading with the excitement of his very own place; the new job as well had been something he had wanted for a long time. He liked it at first, the serene silence of his own place, no one to bother him, no one to nag at him. He enjoyed it for the most part.

After a month of being alone however, he started to feel more and more alone. The depression began to come back, and he soon realized that he had no one. His work was very secluded and most of his time he spent there was alone in a cubical doing concept work for the higher end graphic artist. He started to regret his excitement for this life and eventually he grew emotionally strained. He forgot all things that made him happy and turned into a sort of depressed zombie. Jason would wake up, go to work, come home, and do nothing but watch TV and work on his art. It was like his life had been put on hold or he had fallen into a hole that he just could not climb out of.

He picked it up out of the box and sat the CD-case down on the desk in his room. For a moment he sat there staring at the game case. It was the only thing of bright color in his plain and bland room and it seemed to stand out alot from the rest of his possessions. His room itself was so plain right now. A bed covered by his old pillows and blankets, a window with plain white curtains, and a plain white wall. He entire being felt plain. “Maybe...” He whispered to himself wishing someone heard him, but knowing no one did he gave a saddened sigh. He thought back, far back to age 16 when he first started playing.

He was there on the release date of The World. He could never forget the excitement he felt that day. He and his friends waited in line together for hours until they got there first copies of The World. He was so excited they could barely wait for the game to install. He loved that first night of game play, when he first logged in. He thought back to his first character, a Twin Blade named Odama. He chose the name out of random actually, and just liked it. His friends, there goals in The World, his character. He missed those feelings, the memories felt good to him and they soon bringing a smile to his face. It felt good to smile. It was a feeling something he had long forgotten. Happiness was a feeling he had almost come to miss.

He gave a determined nod to himself as he picked up the players handbook skimming the pages. Looking the games handbook over, It had been so long he had honestly forgotten how to play almost. He remembered the basics of course, movement, SP, the elemental chart. But he knew that he was going to need a refresher. Skimming the pages he nodded again as he looked at his PC, then to the game box. He smiled, and it felt good.

He booted the PC up hearing the nice whir of the fan as it kicked in. He had a rather high end PC, due to his job. He was now feeling that same excitement he did as a kid. He could remember that first time putting the disc in. It was like reliving the moment, it felt so good. He had not felt this alive in a long time, the boring work hours, and plain life…What was reality anyway, nothing to him. He booted the game's installer, installed it on his PC, and soon he came to the log-in screen. His old account had been retired and he smiled because it was about time to start fresh, a new beginning for his new life. “Okay,” He said softly, “Start fresh, Start right.” He said to no one but himself and the plain apartment. He loaded the login menu and it greeted him with a big “welcome” screen, and again he smiled as his fingers tapped on the keyboard entering his new screen name and password.

[LOGIN] LoneAngelic
[PASSWORD] *********

After a quick registration reached behind him to the box. From the box he pulled his headset. His headset had a sticker on the left ear piece, it was a light blue smiley face that had been slapped there by a old friend. He had received it as a simple thank you gift when he introduced her to the game, they slapped it on while he was playing and he was so consumed he didn't even notice until a day later. It was but another memory that indeed made him feel good. He slid it on carefully as he placed his fingers along the keyboard, he never liked a controller. He gave a firm nod as he readied for character creation…he logged in…

QUOTE

….Loading…

The World is a vast and complex game. Rumors get started, friends get made, and fun is had every day in the online world. It is this reason it is called, The World.

…Loading….Complete….



He smiled to himself as he went over his avatar. He remembered his old class had been a Twin Blade and he did love watching the amazing skills in action. He remembered how strong he had gotten. But this was a new start, a new day, a new character. He thought for a moment and then swiftly chose. “Heavy Blade…” The words came from his mouth talking to his lonely plain apartment, he smiled. He worked on his avatar for what seemed like an hour or more. Getting the look and the color, the feel of it just perfect for him. Then soon after what seemed like an eternity of preparation and anticipation.


He logged into…”The World”


(( Updated for the second time. ))

Jpec07 - June 12, 2009 04:57 PM (GMT)
So the first issue I'm going to point out is the issue of run-on sentences. I think that in reading that whole thing I saw maybe one sentence that was structured properly. Right now you're using commas and conjunctions to string together two or three independent clauses per sentence, and it needs correction. There are a few apostrophe errors and a few capitalization errors as well, and those should be fixed as well. I would advise you to read it through aloud to yourself, as that will help to isolate some of the phrasing errors that I'm seeing as well, and point out some of the mistakes in there. You should also flesh out your physical description (while you've got a nice picture, this registration is about your writing), and you need to add a personality description.

Oh, and watch out for ellipses. You seem...to use them...quite a lot...almost in...places...where it...seems...inappropriate. Oh, and they're never more than three periods.

You may also want to change your <center> tags to [center] tags. I'm not sure if they work on this board, but it's worth a shot.

And I appreciate your boldness in deviating from the format, and I like what you're doing with your character. ^_^

Post again once you've made your changes.

Centrus - June 12, 2009 05:48 PM (GMT)
Subs, sadly, does not allow html. However, you can use "align=center" and "/align" inside brackets to accomplish the same thing.

LoneAngelic - June 12, 2009 07:29 PM (GMT)
-facepalms-

Run On's seem o be a big problem of mine. But, it is okay. :D

I do have to be at work in like five seconds so this will be taken care of latter! I am happy you like the character concept as among all things that is what is most important to me.

So, give me a bit and all she be anew! Thanks everyone who made it through that short sad post.


Also, so other than the grammar errors nothing else is wrong? If so then....


-Woots-

LoneAngelic - June 13, 2009 03:49 AM (GMT)
Sorry to double post, But I did update and did some proof reading, (( Took your advice and read it aloud to myself. ))


Thanks for the advice is there anything else I can do to make it better?

Savior X - June 13, 2009 04:56 AM (GMT)
So I'll start off by saying that I really like what you have so far. Just a couple of things I noticed though:

QUOTE
He had thought he had gotten rid of it a long time ago, when me moved out, he sighed deeply holding it in one hand, memories rushing back of friends, adventure fun.


That "me" should be a "he" (simple typo, not a biggie) and that sentence itself is treading on being a run-on. Just try breaking it up once somewhere.

One more thing I noticed was a couple of sentences that could use a comma thrown in to break it up. Otherwise, it's looking good to me. Nice job! =D

LoneAngelic - June 13, 2009 05:09 AM (GMT)
*does a little dance*

Alright, Going to add some more changes and have a second round of Proof Reading. Will update soon!

EDIT!

Okay, I skimmed over it real quick and made some very minor changes, I am however going to go over it one final time on my own just to be sure, I honestly couldn't find anything else wrong yet but. Once more to be sure.



Jpec07 - June 13, 2009 04:21 PM (GMT)
You've got some misplaced commas, a few capitalization errors, and still a single apostrophe error (apostrophe-s only indicates ownership or a conjunction with the word "is"). You've also got a few floating random grammatical errors in there, along with a few other typos. Alone, these things probably wouldn't keep you out, but as it stands you need to go through it again.

Keep it up! You're almost there. ^_^

LoneAngelic - June 13, 2009 06:42 PM (GMT)
Will do!


*gets to reading*

EDIT:

Again minor updates, another skim through for any grammar issues, however I have to work soon so going to have to get back to it later tonight. Thanks a bunch everyone!



EDIT2:

Last update for now, did some re-cap on the other sections like His Persona and some other things.

Again, thanks to all who read this.

LoneAngelic - June 15, 2009 03:37 AM (GMT)
Sorry to double post but I made some more minor updates as it seems I am getting closer and closer. I also added in my HP and SP!

Again, thanks to all who read it!

Centrus - June 15, 2009 07:33 AM (GMT)
I love how this is progressing, and you're almost there! Take a quick look into apostrophes [think possessive usage!] and one last look at when to use commas. There's a great thread about commas in the Writer's Help, toward the bottom of the forum.

Keep it up! You're so close, and the patience you have afforded us thus far has not gone unnoticed. You will be a welcome addition to the site, and I can't wait to see you RPing with us!

LoneAngelic - June 15, 2009 06:33 PM (GMT)
Indeed, I will check out the Writers Help topic as you advised ASAP.

Again, Thanks for reading.


EDIT:

Sorry to double post, but I really could not find that article in the writing help area.

Jpec07 - June 15, 2009 07:16 PM (GMT)
It seems we don't actually have anything about apostrophes in our writing help section, but I was able to track down a helpful link for you all the same. ^_^

Using Apostrophes

Centrus - June 15, 2009 10:23 PM (GMT)
And our comma thread can be found here.

LoneAngelic - June 16, 2009 02:13 AM (GMT)
Thanks I will be sure to look them both over and then have another go at my post.

I just hope my quest posts will be as good as this one is turning out, I am learning to take extra time and care into each post so. This has helped me alot thanks.


Again, thanks for reading.

LoneAngelic - June 16, 2009 03:46 AM (GMT)
Double post, Sorry!

Another skim through did some Sentence Revising and other various fixes.

Thanks for reading! ;)

Centrus - June 17, 2009 07:03 AM (GMT)
I've never really been a fan of our policy of "Here's a vague idea of what's wrong, fix it", so I'm going to sight an example of what I mean directly from your reg. Maybe it'll help with what I'm seeing for ya!

QUOTE (Second Paragraph)
About two months ago he had had a falling out with his last Girlfriend. She had been cheating for over a month and of all people she chose to do it with Jason's close friend.


Alright, mainly what I'm seeing here is the lack of comma usage. What I mean can be seen below.

QUOTE (How I'd Write It. xD)
About two months ago, he had a falling out with his girlfriend. She had been cheating on him! Of all the people she could have picked, she chose Jason's close friend, Name.


Commas should be used to denote time, for parenthetical phrases, and for lists. Also, I broke up some choppiness in there as well. Sorry. It was driving me crazy. I chose to omit the "for over a month" because it seemed a bit contradictory to the "About two months ago" above. Just a thought. ^_^

So, with that in mind, let's go through it one more time. I think it'll be a huge help! I can't wait to take another look. Thanks again for being as patient as you are! It's quite the relief to us here to have that. It makes everything run so much smoother.

LoneAngelic - June 17, 2009 07:12 AM (GMT)
That indeed did help Cent!


And your version read about a billion times better. *Ctrl+C n Ctrl+Vs*

I like it, and the time thing ugh, I have been pondering on that for so long. I was never good with guessing amounts of time, my perception of the matter is a bit bad. One hour equals two, three days equal a week. I just never seem to get it right.

LoneAngelic - June 17, 2009 08:01 AM (GMT)
UP-DATED~!


Did some going over with my new knowledge from a very good friend. Thanks pal! You my good friend rock on all levels.


Mainly went over the first few sections and added some, I felt I have overlooked them a bit too much. Another go through in a bit!


Thanks for reading!

Jpec07 - June 20, 2009 03:28 PM (GMT)
  • Punctuation marks always go inside quotation marks.
  • "The belts where brown..." in your IC description; that where needs to be a were.
  • "He went on to other things, his head seemed to exposed." The comma in this sentence needs to be a semicolon, because you have two independent clauses linked together.
  • The next sentence is just really awkward and could use a reworking; maybe instead of "But not the top no, it was the bottom side." include a phrase in the last sentence to make it, "He went on to other things; his head seemed too exposed on the bottom side." The trick is trying to get the same message across with the fewest amount of words.
  • By the same token, "Soon, well not so much soon but more of an hour or so later..." get rid of the "Soon, well not so much soon but more of" and make it just, "An hour or so later..." (note, if you still want to give the impression that it went quickly for him, say "A quick hour later").
  • In "His Image" section, you have a 'there' that should be a 'their' in the first paragraph. 'There' shows location, 'their' shows possession. In fact, this entire section seems redundant in the face of the clothing description you gave earlier, and could probably be integrated into it somehow.
  • In "His Persona," you have "He also is." In instances like these, it's best to not split the noun and verb up like that; either put it before with a comma, or after. At the end of the same section, you have 'lets,' when you want 'let's,' which is an abbreviation of 'let us.'
  • I'll admit to not being a fan of the whole bad-breakup thing (seems kinda cliche), but it's your character, so I honestly have no say. (NOTE: you don't have to fix this)
  • He seems like he'd almost be suicidal at this point, which really makes me hope that you and your character are distinct entities.
  • The sentence, "He could not forget that day, oh no." is what is called colloquialism: it means that its structure is more derived from everyday speech instead of the conventions of English language. While there's nothing wrong with it technically, colloquialisms don't generally fit into the type of third-person omniscient narrative that you're giving. Generally speaking, they only fall into first-person-types of narrative. See here for more info.
  • Watch your capitalization. Proper nouns and sentence-starters are the only words that deserve capitalization.
  • "Him and his friends played..." this one's tricksy, but the way to pick the right pronoun in situations like this is to take out the "and his friends" which turns it into "Him played."
  • "The players hand book" needs to have an apostrophe in there: "the players' hand book" or "the player's hand book," depending on what you want it to mean. Alternately, you could just get rid of the word 'players' and call it a day. Oh, and if you're going to spell it 'hand book,' it needs to be spelled that way through the whole thing; the next sentence you have 'handbook' as one word.
  • When you're referring to the game, 'The World' needs to be capitalized, because it's a proper noun.

Fix these errors, and you'll be good to go.

LoneAngelic - June 21, 2009 02:44 AM (GMT)
Awesome advice, I must say. At least now I know what I am looking for.

And who needs a college degree in grammar, I signed up for Divvy!

Jpec07 - June 21, 2009 03:04 AM (GMT)
I almost talked to my dean about being able to skip the required basic grammar class at my school because of how intensive Divvy is, but I tested out of it so I didn't even have to. xD

Anyway, I also saw that you've got the wrong 'to' in the "He went on to other things, his head seemed to exposed." sentence. The second one you want to be 'too,' which means also. 'To' is a preposition denoting progression towards, 'too' is a synonym for 'also,' and 'two' is the number.

Post again once you've edited your first post, and I'll take a look. ^_^

LoneAngelic - June 21, 2009 07:08 AM (GMT)
UPDATE!

Okay, went over alot of things you said, there where so many it was hard to keep track of what I was doing at times. I hope I got it right this time!


*crosses fingers*

QUOTE
He seems like he'd almost be suicidal at this point, which really makes me hope that you and your character are distinct entities.


I did this, mainly to show how close to the edge he was, and then The World came back into his life, it was kind of like his last chance at something. He of course still has no clue what. Every little once of text there has some kind of deep meaning, but I never expect anyone to figure it out, or to catch it because there is so much. I try and add alot of emotion to my writing. Just to explain that one.

QUOTE
The sentence, "He could not forget that day, oh no." is what is called colloquialism: it means that its structure is more derived from everyday speech instead of the conventions of English language. While there's nothing wrong with it technically, colloquialisms don't generally fit into the type of third-person omniscient narrative that you're giving. Generally speaking, they only fall into first-person-types of narrative. See here for more info.


Another one of the many thing's I have learned form my short time here!

Jpec07 - June 21, 2009 04:36 PM (GMT)
Welcome to the World!

Please post a copy of your registration in the User Profiles section, and enjoy your stay at .hack//DIVERGENCE!

Good work. ^_^




Hosted for free by InvisionFree