1. Name of Character in The World – Axel

2. Name of Real World Player – Jack Rose

3. Age – 19

4. Class – Heavy Blade

5. Clothing – Axel wears a red bandana tied to rest behind his head, as well as a black t-shirt that fits snuglyaround his body. He also wears gray shorts that extend a few inches below his knees and black sandals that seem to be a bit too big for him with a white wristband on his right wrist.
6. Eye color –Red
]
7. Height – 5.11'

8. Hair color – A Deep green color with contacts that made them crimson which reminds most people of blood. his hair is short and spiky as well as a few strands covering one of his eyes.

9. Personality – Axel is a fun seeking person he loves new things he is kind of a knucklehead at time but would protect a friend in need of help at a moments notice. He also has a I.Q of 250 though he hates being smart so he acts like an idiot mostly all the time unless necessary to use his head. He is a nice guy as well as can be cold hearted at times.

10.Weapon/Armor -

Weapon: Zero Sword
Head: Bandana (Repth)
Arm: Wristbands (Juk Rom)
Body: Leather Coat (Gan Zot)
Feet: Sandals

11. Writing Sample –
"Heh... i am so screwed"

Jack stared smiling as he sat in the office of his school with three other boys who had each one black eye. It wasn't anything new for him because he used to being sent to the office, but this time he was defending someone from being hurt. A girl who happened to be his friend had been pushed around by some girls and he had stopped them which had landed him in a fight with those girl's boyfriends. The sad thing was that he ended up winning but the boys would sell the principle the story that he had started it,

Jack looked at the clock it read 3:30 as the door creaked open,

"Jack.... your free to go Haley told us what happened the rest of you i'll have to talk to your parents as well as a few days suspencion."

The principle had walked in saying this in only a few seconds flat he had an honest ,but stern and scary face. As usual he looked at Jack sighing and shaking his head before saying,

"Take care on your way home will you? Your parents are expecting you"

Jack nodded leaving the office and the school walking along a similar district to him it wasn't very old yet not new as well. Jack's home one story, blue paint, a mild yard with very little to no plants all grass or tanbark. The door opened and he stared into the smiling face of his mother who ran up to him and hugged him,

"i'm proud of you for standing up for someone you don't look to bad for it either."

Jack rubbed his head staring into his mothers green eyes taking in her appearence she had short red hair like him had on a blue suit since she was a lawyer.

"those contacts make you look a bit scary you know that.... Oh, I just remembered
since you had told me you wanted it i got you something. come on inside."

Jack followed his mother inside as she walked into the front room turing to the first door she opened it reached into a closest and pulled out a game.

"Here"

His Mother handed him the case and he read the title The World Jack smiled happily kissing his mom on the cheek before running to his room past the kitchen and his living room entering a room with a bed and a desk with a computer on it.

"Woot a new game this should be fun."

Jack took his time picking the his class deciding which would be the best finally deciding on a heavy blade, He sighed as it came to the naming his charecter and putting a password. Jack spent a while on that before smiling as he thought of the name. It came to him as he finished reading the manual.

Name: Axel
Password: *******

Jack smiled as he stared at the name pressing enter on his keyboard. It logged him into The World

Axel stared around looking at his appearence he liked it then staring around he noticed people left in right.

"Alright this is gonna be awesome!" He yelled loudly getting strange looks from other players.

Axel walked forward excited to find what wonders were in the game his mother had got for him.

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Sorry i put this in the wrong section my bad completly thought i clicked the registery place my bad....

A few corrections:
[5. Clothing]: "snuggly around" is two words. 2nd sentence is a little bit of a run-on - too many ideas in one sentence. Try to split it up, rewording a few things.

[7. Height]: Do you mean 5'11" or is 5.11 feet tall what you meant (about a 9-inch difference)?

[8. Hair Color]: Does his hair have contacts or are those his eyes. Likewise for the red/blood thing. Does it belong in [6]?

[9. Personality]: The ends of sentence have periods followed by capital letters. Last I heard, you can only have an IQ up to 200 and geniuses lie somewhere between 160-180. My non-genius IQ could just be showing through in that regard though :P.

[11. Writing Sample]: Your sample needs the period and capitalization grammar techniques described before. Make sure that if you need a comma before a quote, the quote is on the same line, and make sure that it really is a comma you desire, not a period. Watch the run-on sentences also.

I think the main thing is to just take your time and really focus on writing you best - being proud of your work. Sorry if my critiquing sounded a little patronizing >_> I haven't reviewed anyone before now that I think about it. Hopefully a mod will hop by and have a look-see after you've fixed what I think you should. Good luck :).