Name of Character in The World: Renate
Name of Real World Player: Minawa, Nanaho (Her friends called her Nana)
Age: 14
Class: Twin Blade
Eye color: Blue
Hair color: Black
Height: "5’9”

Clothing:

The World:
She wears a purple blouse decorated with sakura designs and gray boots. She also wears blue-green gloves decorated in ribbons and flowers. Her belt is colored black and she also wears a red bracelet to her left arm. She keeps her swords at her belt.

Real Life:
She wears pink blouse decorated with flower and stems, red skirt with pink sakura designs, white loose socks and pink and blue sneakers. She often seen with her brown messenger bag.

Personality:

Real Life:
Although she nervous around pretty boys, she’s an adventurous girl who will ready for anything. Sometimes, she always gets angry when she’s always calling her names and gets pranked. She is also sporty when she played volleyball.

The World:
Her personality in real life is still the same, except she's afraid of high-level monsters and mean players. But, the more levels she gains, the more she's brave enough to face them.

Weapon/Armor:
Weapon: Steel Blades
Head: Bandana
Arm: Wristband
Body: Leather Coat
Feet: Sandals

Skills:
Repth
Juk Rom
Gan Zot
Tiger Claws

-------------------------

An excited 14 year old girl named Nana is on her way home. “Wow, 5 days to go and I really go to that sweet party, I can’t wait!” But, she stops walking as she saw a game store with a poster on the window:

“THE WORLD! On Sale Now!”

“The World? What’s that, a video game or a trading card game?” Nana asked herself as she entered the store.

As she enters the store, she saw a lot of posters of video games and trading card games and some of the merchandise. She then approaches the store clerk as he finishing fixing his cash register. “Um, excuse me, can you tell me about The World?” Nana said with a curious expression. “Well, The World is a popular Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game or MMORPG. I really recommended you to play this because it has awesome graphics and great quest!” the clerk said as he took out the game box of The World.

“Uh, this is like the other online games I saw when I was looking at the internet café,” Nana said as she look the box. “Buy the game and see that this is not any online game,” the clerk said as he give the box to Nana.

“Okay, I’ll buy it, how much?” she said as she took out her wallet. “$300 dollars.” Then she gave the money to the clerk and grabs the game box. “Well, at least this is the only way to remove boredom,” she thought as she goes home.

When she finally home, she greeted her mother and go to her bedroom. Then she opened the game box of The World and revealed a game disc, a controller, and the HMD goggles. “Well, better download the game and start playing,” Nana said as she plug the controller and the HMD goggles to the computer and insert the disc in the computer to download it. After she downloads the game, she is greeted by The World screen and press the register button.

“To play The World, choose your class first, then customize your character to represent yourself, after that, write your name for your character.” Nana followed the A.I.’s instruction to finish the registration. After she registered, she is greeted again by The World screen. Then she type her login information:

Username: Renate
Password: *********

“Alright, I hope this game is really good,” Nana said as she puts on her goggles and enters The World.

Hmm... We usually like them a little longer, but it's looking good.

Only problem I'm really seeing is that the dialogue needs to be split up so that each speaker is on their own line, back and forth. Fix that up and we'll see how we're going.

okay, I edited it! pls read & review!

I see a couple of "awkward" sentences that you might want to rewrite. Here's a couple of examples that I saw:

The last part just seems really weird when you read it. "She walks home by excitement." Perhaps you might want to change it to something like:

Or even just change the word excitement to something else, like:

There was just one example of an awkward sentence that I saw. I suggest you try just printing out your story so far, sitting down, and just reading it, not critiquing. Every time you see something that just doesn't "read well", circle it and move on. Then go back to all of those circled sentences and see if you can re-word them.

Also, if you're looking for additional things to write about, maybe put in a little blurp about when you're actually creating your character, some of the steps at the Character Creation Screen, and maybe some reasoning as to why you did it that way, but from your character's perspective.

Edited by Jpec07 to correct a tag and make the rest of them work. That was weird...