Real Life Character Info-
Name of Real World Player- Loki Heiđir
Age- (Real Life Character)- 22
Gender- (Real Life Character)- Male
Personality- (Real Life Character)- Loki has a lot of the qualities of a "Wannabe". He tries too hard sometimes and it gets him nowhere a lot of the time. This is hard for him, because he also exhibits a lot of traits of a “Social Outcast”, so he spends a lot of time alone. However, he is still a pretty nice guy, but he has dark side as everyone does, but every once in a while it tends to come out in a way that could almost seem like he has MPD (Multiple Personality Disorder). Otherwise he pretty friendly most of the time. Since his outcast traits are very strong about him, including his dress and talk, he only fits in with people much like himself. Lately he has started to pick up hacking which is slowly causing these traits to become more dominate as he spends even more time alone.
The World Player Info-
Name of Character in The World- Lucian
Class- Heavy Blade
Clothing- (The World Player) - A pair of black baggy cargo pants and a pair of black boots. He sports a plain, black, cloth looking shirt that buttons down the middle of his chest with 6 metal buttons, with the lowest button being around his waist level. However, the shirt is about 6 inches longer then the location of the lowest button. The right sleeve of the shirt is a long sleeve that hangs down about 3 inches past the end of his fingertips hiding his whole right arm, and left arm is sleeveless, exposing his arm all the way up to his shoulder. The shirt is collarless, and comes to a V neck that closes and overlaps a bit about 3 inches from the bottom of his neck, on the upper most part of his chest. The fabric overlaps causing the ending of the V neck about 1 inch above the top button. He also wears a black belt with metal studs on it that wraps loosely around 3 times, none of them being straight across like a normal belt, but instead hanging at different angles.
Gender- (The World Player)- Male
Eye color- (The World Player)-
Left Eye- Silver
Right Eye- Hazel
Third Eye- Teal (located in the middle of his forehead)
Height- (The World Player)- 5' 7"
Weight- (The World Player)- 165 lbs.
Build- (The World Player)- Very slim build but is very cut. His body build is very toned and defined.
Hair color- (The World Player)- White, 3 nose long strands that fall in
front of his face and the rest of his hair is pretty short and spikes up and back a little. The 3 strands that fall in front of his face are in classic anime style, a bunch of hair clumped together to look like 3 large strands. They fall and cover both his third eye, and his left eye.
Weapon/Armor-
Weapon– Adventurer (Death Bringer)
Head – Bandanna (Repth)
Arm – Wristbands (Juk Rom)
Body – Leather Coat (Gan Zot)
Feet – Sandals
A writing sample on how you found the world.– Loki bought the game so he could hack it to impress a girl, but that’s not where this story begins. So let me backtrack to a point that would better explain how this came to be.
Loki was always an outsider no matter what he did, or how friendly he tried to be. His natural "Social Outcast" traits ended up getting the best of him every time and completely out weighed even his best attempts to become even the simplest of social butterflies. So in the normal cliché of any good story with a protagonist that suffers the same traits, junior high and high school were very hard for Loki. He spent a lot of time alone, and any time he did spend with others tended to be with others that shared his outcast status. Which as we all know doesn't really help the situation in any fashion. Loki ended up finishing high school as alone and distant as he had begun it, and went on to get a shitty everyday peon job. Which in his case ended up being at a coffee shop where they served lots of coffee related drinks at very steep prices, as would be expected. Of course there was wireless internet at this coffee shop and that tended to bring a lot of snotty business men in to buy some overpriced, overdrank excuses for a drink that has like ten words in its name to describe it, but is just coffee, milk, whipped topping, and a squirt of a some random flavoring. Loki hates his job and wishes he could do something better, but he can never seem to muster up the will to actually do anything to change it. Loki coasted along like this for sometime keeping mostly to himself and running with the whole "outcast" thing, he figured why bother fighting what you are. However, every once in a while a straggler social reject like himself would manage to make their way into the coffee shop he worked in, and it was through one of these friends, if you could call any of these social rejects that lacked the social skills to maintain any friends, that he picked up his new hobby, and also the new interest in his life to help fuel this new hobby.
Loki's new hobby was hacking, and his interest that helped fuel it was Lizzy. Loki got into hacking when he saw one of his friends doing it at the shop. He was taken by what he could do, and how fast he was doing it. Loki already had a pretty good computer at home which he only ever used to play generic FPS games. So he bought his friend a drink, sat down, and began asking his friend questions on how to get started on something like that. After about 4 hours Loki had gotten the basic "Hacking 101" course from his friend. So that night he went home and started applying those basic rudimentary skills to some use.
A week or so passed and Loki was getting the hang of the whole hacking thing. However, he wasn’t much of a hacker still. No matter how much he hacked and tried new things he always seemed overwhelmed. Within the week had had only managed to hack a preprogrammed local TV show, and a local radio station to play all the songs that were no longer on their play list. However, it was around this time he met Lizzy through the same friend. Lizzy was a hacker as well, and a decent one at that; way beyond Loki's skills. Loki was entranced by her instantly, and started trying to talk to her. Over the next few days they became friends as she started helping Loki to get a bit better at his new trade. Finally, with a combination of skill and luck, mostly luck. Loki was able to hack into a local bank and transfer a few funds around, nothing more then a few dollars here and there so it wasn't anything obvious. The next day he hung out with Lizzy and told her about his hack all proud and expecting her to be amazed, and she was a little impressed but not what Loki was expecting. Lizzy then explained that it was a good hack but if he really wanted to impress her to try for the new hacker playground "The World".
So the next day Loki went out and bought the game and then ran it home and installed it as soon as he walked in the door. After a while he was staring at the log in screen. First he needed to register and make a character so he could hack it. So he started up the registering process and it asked for an account name. Loki thought for a second, and then typed in Lucian as the account name. He planned on that being his character’s name so it was a god choice. Then he scrolled down and hit accept which then brought him to the password screen. Loki thought hard for a few minutes about his password, he had one he always used but he wanted to try something a bit different this time. Then out of nowhere in all his infinite newbie wisdom he thought he would be funny. He then started typing out his chosen password. P...E...N...I... he smirked as he entered the last letter and hit enter. Loki smirk quickly faded as he got an error screen, which he started to read out loud to himself.
"Sorry but your password is too short...?!?!?! WHAT?!?! ohhh that’s not even right!!!!" he said as he just realized he had just been insulted by the game. His head just fell into a hanging position as he shook it a little.
Loki then slowly looked back up till his eye sight met the monitor again, and he clicked to try again and this time just entered his normal password ******** and hit enter. This time it took his password and moved on to the terms of service page, which of course he clicked yes and then just finished up the process. When he was done registering he loaded up the character creation screen. As soon as he brought it up he smirked again as he started trying to work his magic. However, this was different, and much harder. He kept typing anything he could think of that might help, and started using everything he had learned up to that point. After about 10 minutes he had no clue what he was doing, or even what he was altering on his character by this point. This was about the point that he realized he was way out of his "pay grade" and in over his head. So he finished up what he was trying to do and came back to the main creation screen. He then looked over what he had done to his character, and it seemed he had done two visual hacks to the character. The first and most obvious was the right arm. He has altered the right arm from the elbow down to look like it was covered in scales like a dragon claw. The scales didn't alter the size of his arm, but just made it look that whole part of his arm was a dragon's claw, all the way down to the nails that looked like short claws. The second thing he had managed to change was that he had added a third eye in the middle of the forehead. As he stared at the eye it stayed shut most of the time, but it would blink open every once in a while. It was at this point that he decided that he was done trying to hack the game and hoped this was enough to impress Lizzy.
He then started choosing all the little details of his character. One of the first things he did was choose his hair style and color. White, and he made the style to have some of it falling in front of the character's face so it would hide the third eye. He then started choosing the clothes, first the boots, then pants and their color. He then moved on to the shirt which he knew he had to do something to hide the arm. He figured he would get more attention then he would want if everyone could see his arm, especially any staff. So he chose a shirt with long sleeves that went past the tips of his hands and covered the whole arm, but then he altered it a bit with the tool to make his left arm sleeveless; so now only his right arm was covered. He then chose his belt, and then he was done with that. He then decided to go Heavy Blade as his class, and then chose his starting weapon. At this point he was done with everything, and it was time to log in and start playing.
Loki looked over his character one more time and then moved his mouse over to the button to enter the world and clicked it. Moments later he would be in the world and able to search out Lizzy. He then heard the quick buzz as it was accepted and it connected and now into the world he went........
Your story is of good length, and you detailed your character well, but I gotta throw two things at ya.
One: As we talked about last week, watch your commas. There are times where you are using too many and others where you aren't using any at all. Take a look at their usages, we have a good reference thread in the "Writer's Help" section.
Two: The third eye hack, albeit covered by classic anime front-hair, is going to garner you some attention pretty quickly from the IC authorities. CC, though failures at customer service, are geniuses with punishment. You're going to need to write that really well if you're going to have it.
When you take a stab at the comma fixing, I'll take another look. [Not buying myself time on that hack discussion. Not at all. xD] Your story is well detailed and of more than acceptable length for the site, but the lack of commas puts it in a place that makes it difficult to read. I know it sounds like I'm just hassling ya, but as one of the two or three people here who grade, it just pulls my mind away from the story to a degree in which I can't get myself lost in it. I enjoy your story, and I went to put myself into it. Ya just gotta help me along, 'kay?
ok, edited.
i hope it more up to par of what you would like.
Welcome to The World, son.
Once you see this, go ahead and post a copy of all your important information over in the Character Profile section.
After that, well, have fun!
