1.Name of Character - Aurith
2.Real World Player - Deen Jackson
3.Age - 16
4.Class - Twin Blade
5.Clothing - Wears blue knee length shorts with two golden stripes going down the sides of them, wears a blue t-shirt which has had its sleeves ripped off and wears a silver scarf that covers his mouth and drapes down the front of his shirt.
6.Eye Color - Purple
7.Height - 5"8
8-Hair Color - Silver
9.Personality - A cautious person who likes to watch his friends carefully, if they really are his friends, you never know if they might turn against you. However, this doesn't happen alot so Deen makes up for it with being determined in what ever situation he is in, even if he is under pressure.
10.Weapon/Armor - Amateur Blades / Head – Bandanna (Repth) Arm – Wristbands (Juk Rom) Body – Leather Coat (Gan Zot) Feet – Sandals
11.Skills - Saber Dance, Repth, Juk Rom, Gan Zot
12.
It had been another day at school for Deen and as he walked the way home he and his friends were talking about the newest game
"Hey, Codi what level did you get to last night?" said one of Deens friends
"I got to thirty-three" replied Codi looking impressed and smug about it
"Ha! That's nothing. My brother got all the way to level sixty-one!" shouted Lora
"Hey, Deen how come you don't have 'The World' yet?" asked Codi wondering why, after all Deen and his friends had been talking about 'The World' all week and Deen was the only one who didn't have it. Codis character, SharkKing, was a level thirty-three Blademaster, Loras character, Angelican, was a level thirty-five Longarm and Deens other friend, Jake, his character known as Kyotsa was a level thirty-nine Heavy Blademaster. A few roads down from their school was a bakery where the group bought something to snack on, as they exited the shop they were met by three kids in their same year.
“What do you want Greg” said Jake with a sort of sighing expression in his voice,
“Nothing, I just wanted to see the three losers from last night” Greg grinned as he pushed his way past and into the bakery.
“What a jerk, he totally cheated on that last game” said Codi as the group of friends began to walk to their houses again,
“What game?” asked Deen becoming interested in what this ‘game’ was,
Codi gave a sigh then said “Us three have sort of started becoming popular on ‘The World’, we decided to help new people out, but on one occasion a new guy we were helping was attacked and killed by Greg and his party so we went to talk to him and we had a massive argument. So we ended it by having a fight, we put every item except healing items into storage then fought. We won and this fight only became worse so now every Tuesday we have a fight and it doesn’t matter if someone is sick and can’t play the others just have to deal with that and fight.”
Deen thought that was amazing and became more eager to get ‘The World’ so he could become strong and help his friends out.

"Anyway, I’m supposed to be getting ‘The World’ today, damn air postal" Deen said hoping that 'The World' had arrived
"Yeah, well just remember to call us if you get it we'll meet you in the game and give you are member address" Codi replied after taking a bite out of a donut he had bought a few minutes ago.
"Hey have you guys seen Craig’s character?" asked Lora as she opened the gate to her house, Craig was Lora's brother who had travelled to the U.K and Lora couldn't get a reply from him, however everyone said no. Lora didn't show it but she seemed worried after walking down some more streets the group of friends disbanded and Deen opened the door to his house to find some mail lying on the floor as well as the family dog sitting on the couch which had just awoke to find Deen standing near a table.

"Let's see...Sister...Parents...Parents...P-" Deen stopped as he looked at the parcel he was holding and he couldn't believe it he was actually holding a copy of 'The World' and after dumping the mail on a table he raced upstairs and into his room to install 'The World' on his computer. After the computer set up the desktop appeared and Deen placed the disk into the computer it took a few minutes but it finally came up with a box saying 'The World' and two buttons labeled install and quit. Deen clicked on install and configured some settings then just sat back and watched the progress bar go from 0% to 16% and so on, minutes passed and eventually the installation was complete soon after a launcher popped up and began to update 'The World'. Five minutes later the updates were done and Deen finally started up 'The World' and created an account then went on to design his character and logged into 'The World', whilst it loaded Deen reached for his phone and rang his friends and told him his new name: Aurith.

First things first, good job on either reading the FAQ or looking around and taking note of the equipment set-up for other people. Most everything is in good shape, so that's a plus! Your personality could use a little... not lengthening, but maybe clarifying? I don't know how to phrase it properly, but maybe ignore that critique unless someone else says it, too.

Now down to the real critique. Your story does need to be a page in Word or another processor, so it's going to need a bit more length to it. In your writing, every time a different person talks, it starts a new paragraph. Grouping it all together is incorrect. Also, take a look at your punctuation use. Commas, periods, and apostrophes are all missing in your story, but those are all pretty simple fixes.

Try taking a look through the "Writer's Help" section of the forum if you need any explanations. There's a good thread in there about comma use which might be a big help to you.

It's a good start, and I look forward to seeing how it evolves! Throw a post up to let us know when you edit your registration, and someone will be happy to take a look!

Okay edited it up, also I do actually have another account but the profiles on characters got lost or something so if you don't mind can you delete my other account : Sero.

Since there's no tabs to show where a paragraph begins on the internet, generally, we leave an extra line between paragraphs to keep it from being one big wall of text. Longer separations that show gaps in time or events can be shown either by leaving extra lines, or by putting a barrier such as a line of * or - in between.

Any quotation - that is, something someone says - needs to end with some kind of punctuation inside the quotation marks. Often, this can be a period, but if you want to go on to continue that sentence, there should be a comma. For example; "Oh yeah, I've been there," Sally said with a nod. You can use ! and ? within the quotation marks, as well.

Sometimes sentences flow better, or have different meanings if you arrange the words in different orders. It's often best to read a sentence out loud to be sure that's how you'd say something if you were telling it to another person - often, we just overlook grammar when we put it onto paper, when we know the correct way to say something just fine in our own heads.