The Book of Armaments

Chapter 1 - The Need of Armaments

1 And it came to pass in the days following the time of Christ, that
the enemies of the Lord did seek out the ones speaking in the name of
Jesus so as to chastise them. 2 For the hearts of them that were naughty
were continuously set against them. 3 And they did do unto the Christians
terrible things. 4 For they did poke them with coals of fire, and the
private parts of their body they did lay waste utterly. 5 Their eyelashes
they did remove, and with their pliers they did pull out their toenails.
6 Yea, also their private parts did they flutter at them, and unto the
children did they speak unhappy words. 7 And the people did cry out unto
the Lord. 8 And the Lord heard their cryings and was deeply troubled. For
they did whine so. 9 And the Lord sent an angel unto the people saying,
"Fear not. For the Lord has heard the cries of his people, and He shall
give unto thee armaments with which to harm those that persecute thee.
10 Day and night shall they tremble for fear of the Lord and his armaments.
11 And with these armaments shall you destroy the enemies of the Lord;
for His justice is swift, and so are his armaments, yea even His little
ones." 12 And the angel did give unto the people a dagger. And he spake
saying, "I give unto thee this day this dagger for with which to stab at
the enemies of the Lord. 13 Thrust thou the dagger in the direction of
thine enemy for as to slay him. For in the day that thou thrusteth he shall
surely die." 14 And the people did hear the words of the angel and they did
rejoice with a great rejoicing. 15 For three days and three nights did
they rejoice. 16 And there was one who lived nearby whose name was Wilson.
17 And he did hear the rejoicing of the people and his anger was kindled
within him, for it was the middle of the night. 18 And he did have a bad
attitude within him, so that he was displeasing unto the Lord. 19 And
Wilson rose up from his bed and went unto the door of the house where the
people were rejoicing within. 20 And straightway did he bang upon the door
and yell unkind things at the people. 21 Now when the people had heard
these things they gasped unto themselves. And immediately one of the people
did open the door and thrust the dagger toward Wilson so that he died.
22 And the people rejoiced all the more for the words of the angel that had
been fulfilled by their thrusting. 23 And straightway the people went unto
their homes grinning.


Chapter 2 - Saint Attila and the Holy Hand Grenade

1 There was a leader of the people of Antioch whose name was Attila. 2 And
he did intreat of the Lord a special armament with which to combat evil.
3 And the Lord was pleased by this so that he considered it greatly. 4 And it
came to pass that when the Lord was willing to do this, that he sent an angel
unto Attila in a dream saying, 5 "Attila, the Lord has heard your request
and is much pleased. 6 Therefore, gather the people together unto the nearest
mountain. And there the Lord shall give thee thy desire. 7 And Attila rose
up and gathered the people together onto a mountain, and there did they wait
on the Lord. 8 And suddenly a box appeared as from nowhere bearing the name
"Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch", and Attila did open it and did joyously take
the hand grenade from the box. 9 And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up
on high, saying,"Oh, Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest
blow thy enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." 10 And the Lord did grin, and people
did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans,
and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large woollen mammoths, and pupcookiess,
and ice cream for with which to follow. 11 And the people did dance around the
mountain in little ways, so as to please the Lord. 12 And the Lord did see their
dancing and he was much pleased. 13 However, there was one woman there who was called Lola, and she did dance naughtily before the Lord. 14 And the Lord did
slay her for her dancing, and the people were sore afraid. 15 And Saint Attila
did implore for the people saying, "Oh, Lord. We are a naughty people. Forgive
us we pray thee, and show us the secret of the Holy Hand Grenade which thou
hast given us." 16 And the Lord appeared as it were a pillar of fire before
the people. And the people did tremble a bit. 17 And the Lord spake, saying,
"First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three,
no more, no less. 18 Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number
of the counting shalt be three. 19 Four shalt thou not count, nor either
count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. 20 Five is right out.
21 Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou
thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naughty in my
sight, shall snuff it." 22 And the people did take the hand grenade and put
it in a secret place. And they did forget where they placed it so that the
Lord was angry and hid it so that it would be used at an appropriate time.

Omigosh...LOL!!!

:rollin:

that was fantastic...WIIIIIIIIIIIILSOOOOOOOOON!!!

Thank you Mat, you have truly made my day!

:rollin:

Chapter 3 - A Promised One/Geneology
(Note:The Bible is full of Geneologies- They are soooo boring to read. This is what they should be like)

1 And in the days following the loss of the Holy Handgrenade the people fell into divers times. For they did seek out armaments from unclean lands and they did follow not the promises of the Lord in trusting Him to provide armaments for His people. 2 And Attila was sorry for the mishandling that he had done and he cried unto the Lord saying, "Lord, I have sinned against thee and have lost the Holy Handgrenade that thou hast given me. Forgive me I pray thee and return unto me the weapon that I may smite mine enemies even unto their very secret places." 3 And the Lord heard the crying and appeared before Attila, and the room of Attila shone bright and he hid his face. 4 And the Lord spoke saying, "Attila, take off thine shoes from upon thy feet. For the ground on which thou standest is holy ground." 5 And Attila spoke saying, "Lord, I have no shoes upon my feet", and the anger of the Lord was kindled against Attila and he said, "Thinkest thou that I did not know that thou hath not shoes upon thine feet? But because thou hast not obeyed my voice, thou shalt not receive unto thyself the Holy Handgrenade, but I shall pass it over unto a descendent." 6 After this the Lord departed from Attila, and Attila was sorely vexed within himself. 7 And great was the vexation with which he was vexed. 8 For 40 days and 40 nights was he vexed, until his vexation was great within him. 9 Moreover, his whole house became vexed with his vexation because he was greatly vexed. 10 And after the days of his vexation had passed, Attila spoke unto his house saying, "The Lord has promised that someday one shall come of this house and shall bear the Holy Handgrenade and shall smite his enemy with it. Behold the pointy teeth of his enemy shall not prevail upon him. Nor either the bones of the dead sway him from slaying his enemy." 11 And after Attila prophesied he fell over with a great stomach cramp so that he died. 12 Now these are the generations of Attila son of Barnabas. 13 Attila took Arotta daughter of Shep to wife. And he knew his wife Arotta many times. And she conceived and bare a son who they named Khan. 14 And Attila lived after he beget Khan 12 years and he beget sons and daughters. 15 And Khan took Soong daughter of Jerry the pruner of hedges to wife. 16 And she bare unto him a daughter who they named Pamela. 17 And Pamela grew and was very comely to look upon. And when she was of age, her father did rename her Chesty for she was twice blessed. 18 And Chesty was taken of Hollis son of Luther the bigot to wife. 19 And Chesty was known of her husband Hollis. Day or night was she known by him. And in many public places was she known. 20 And Chesty bore a son and called him Hujul which is to say in her tongue "Where didst thou come from" for she knew not where he was conceived. 21 And Hujul grew and took Shilo daughter of Derrick the rapist to wife. 22 And Shilo bore a son and called his name Decker. 23 And Decker grew and took Flo the daughter of Monty the hen teaser to wife. 24 And Decker took Flo his wife and traveled west unto unknown lands so as to find riches. And they did trevail the great sea and did come upon a land which was called Ungland. 25 And there did they make their home amongst many heathen people. And they did see the evil of the land, for the men did know women who were not their wives, and they did spit upon the ground often, and they did release unclean winds amongst the people. 26 And Decker and Flo did shun them for the unclean winds that they had dealt. 27 And Decker knew his wife Flo and she conceived and bare a son who they called Steven. 28 And Steven was faithful in trusting God so that the Lord blessed him and he grew great in stature and became a mighty warrior. 29 And Steven trusted God for his armaments.

And he knew his wife Arotta many times


:rollin


Chesty...

winds...LOL!!!

Chapter 4 - Steven and the Sword

1 And it came to pass that after Steven grew and was mighty that he prayed of
the Lord that he would send to him a weapon with which to protect himself.
2 For the heathens of the land did strive with Steven and his parents. 3 For
they did evil things unto all of their enemies. 4 For they did spread
themselves across the land conquering the inhabitants of the land. 5 And
unto the men of the land they did poke at them with pointy sticks and pull
up upon the hairs on the napes of their necks so as to hurt them. 6 And
unto the women did they slap mightily, and they did drag them about by
their hair. 7 Yea, even did they do evil things unto the children even unto
the littlest of ones. 8 For they did sit upon the babies and make footstools
of them, and the youngest did they toss about for sport. 9 And also to the
children did they laugh at and call names so that they cried. 10 These things
did they unto the inhabitants of the land both to conquer and to discourage.
11 And Steven did see the evil that they did and was angered within. 12 So
angry was he that he cried unto the Lord saying, "Oh Lord, you see the evil
that these people do. How they do hurt the others, and do take their pets so
as to cook them. Give to me I pray thee a weapon so that I may protect my
family and these people around me, for they are wimps." 13 And the Lord sent
an angel unto Steven, and it appeared before him. 14 And Steven bowed himself
upon the ground to the angel, and the angel said unto him, "Arise Steven,
for I am not to be worshipped. For I got in trouble last time." 15 And Steven
arose and did have a giddy spirit within him and he did hug the angel for he
was happy. 16 And the angel said unto him, "Release me for I am homophobic.
Now I say unto you, the Lord has heard thy cry and has sent me with an
armament. Behold thee this day this sword and take it unto thyself. Thou
shalt take this sword and create more swords and give them unto the people
so that they might defend themselves against the heathens of this land.
17 And Steven took the sword and said unto the angel, "How shall I create
more swords for I know not how?" 18 And the angel answered him saying, "Seek
you out in the land a man by the name of Christy. For he shall make for thee
the swords that thou needest, and he shall teach thee the ways of the sword."
19 And when he heard this he giggled unto himself for it was a girls name.
20 And the angel departed and left Steven with his sword in his hand. 21 And
Steven did praise the Lord for the sword and he went out and slaughtered many
animals.

Chapter 5 - Christy


1 Now it came to pass in those days that Steven grew to become a leader among his people. 2 For he was strong with his sword, and he did fight with great strength. 3 And with his tongue did he insult many an enemy. For he used great sarcasm and witty phrases so as to humiliate them. 4 And many of the heathens of the land heard of Steven and his great might and they did gather together and plot with each other as to how they should kill him. 5 And they said to one another, "We shall kill him with a great death. The people shall tremble with the death that we shall kill him with. For we shall cause his hair to be pulled out in patches, and we shall tread upon his toes so that they should become bruised, and we shall spit upon his face with our spittle and with the spittle of our children, and we shall fill his nose with fresh fruit, and his howling shall be very great until we stuff his mouth with strawberries." 6 And when Steven heard the things that the heathens purposed to do unto him he went out with some of his men to find the swordmaker that the angel had told him of. 7 And he said unto his men, "Let us go and seek out Christy, the swordmaker, and we shall charge him to make unto us many swords so that we may form ourselves an army and destroy the heathens of this land, for they soil this land with their presence. For they do release their unclean winds without a thought, and they do spit upon our fields and our children, and our pets do they cook for their meat." 8 And Steven went out with his men and sought out Christy. 9 Now there was an old widow that lived in the hills and she was very wise. For she did read the stars and tell the people of the seasons that should come. 10 And whatever she did tell the people that did they. 11 And Steven went unto her and approached her hut and he did call out to her and she did come forth out of the hut. 12 And the widow did say unto him, "What meanest thou that you should approach my hut with an armament? Dost thou intend to slay me?" 13 And Steven answered and said, "Nay, but that I may inquire of thee the whereabouts of Christy the swordmaker that I may find him." 14 And the widow said unto him, "Draw near unto me for I know the answer that thou seekest." 15 And when they had entered her hut she said unto them, "Take off thy shoes." 16 And Steven and his men removed their shoes and began to praise the widow and said, "Truely we are on holy ground for you had us remove our shoes." 17 And she answered and said, "Nay, but I have just cleaned the floors and your shoes are filthy." 18 And Steven looked unto his men and felt sheepish within himself. 19 Now after a short time the widow said unto them, "Remain for a short while longer for Christy shall be here soon." 20 And the group was amazed at this so that they said, "How didst thou summon him? Art thou from heaven?" 21 And she replied, "Nay, for Christy and I have been meeting each other for tea for three years and it is about tea time." 22 And as she finished speaking the door burst open and a man leaped through and did begin to slay Steven's men. 23 And he did slay five men until the widow did stop him. He did slay Gary the panzy, Randy the randy, Wayne the not quite as randy as Randy, William the dog biter, and Daryl the brother of Daryl. All of these men slayed he them. 24 And the widow said unto Christy, "Why hast thou killed these men? For I have just cleaned and now it is filthy. And these men art not thine enemies for they came seeking thee for thy skill." 25 And Christy said unto them, "Sorry. I did not mean it. For it was an accident." 26 And they replied, "It is well with us. For those men where jerks anyway." 27 And Christy did talk with them and didst learn of the angel and the words that it had said. 28 And Christy did take them unto his own cave, for he was a hermit. And he did show them the many swords he had made and the many trophies he had hung upon his walls. 29 And the men did Oooo and Ahhh amongst themselves. 30 And Christy did show them the many things he had killed. He showed unto them a beaver and a gopher and a squirrel. Yea even a cow and a dog and a cat and a snail and a swallow did he show unto them. All of these things showed he unto them. 31 And there was one there whose name was Sidney. And he did chuckle unto himself for the trophies that he did see. 32 And when Christy heard this he drew forth his sword and stabbed at Sidney so that he died. 33 And when they had seen these things they did frown at Christy. 34 And Christy looked upon them and said, "Thou didst hear him for he chuckled at my trophies, and I for his chuckling I did slay him." 35 And the men did nod amongst themselves for he had chuckled. 36 And the men laid to rest that day the five men that had been slain. But Sidney they did not lay to rest for he was added to Christy's trophies. 37 And they men made camp and prepared themselves for the next day, for Christy was to make swords and he was to train them the next day. 38 So the men did sleep and snore a bit.

:lol: Oh please keep going :rollin:

why didn't he keep going?

He does. Its just been a while.

A very long while.

So...Whatever happened to Christy anyway?

Wow, long time since this was updated...