"911"

Skyscrapers collapse
To the music of jetplanes
Painting the twilight

And as the last structure falls
The police will rush
To the searchlight

Streets hang in a mist of dust
As bodies foul the air and the search
Goes on throughout the night

We sat atop our thrones of metal
And followed the trails they left behind
But something wasn't right

Cars explode
But don't follow the tempo
Set by the racing footsteps

She kept slipping
I didn't want to
But I had to let go

Its pitch black
Vision obscured
I've found a window

I'm not going to make it
I won't survive
The jump below

Please rate.

Good, but, hardly ever rhimed, and the beat wasn't on track, it looked like you were going for a rap song, when I know you weren't. 6.5/10

Pardon me, how can you say a beat is off track if you haven't ever heard the song and you've only ever read the lyrics? Somehow that doesn't make sense to me.

Not all songs have to rhyme either.

Word beats. It would make more sense if you rapped. Like so:

Dispite it, I won't make the people go and fight it.
VS.
You look like a cresent, I'm going to have to go spray the dissinfectant.

You see how its off balance like, one has more sylabols than the other, this is also a problem I have with my songs.

I don't consider that a problem, I consider that unique. This song was written as a poem originally, and I am having great difficulty understanding how you are tying in elements of rap music into it.

Brooklyn, you seem to be judging it as if it was a rap song but Haku didn't intend for it to be a rap song.

Thank you. I couldn't have said it better.

Oy, it sounds like it is definatly trying to be a rap song, a lot of thw word beats match.

And listning to rock music also, I know they have matching word beats.

The way the song is expressed, it is obvious it isn't rap.. "I'm not going to make it, I won't survive, The jump below" That wouldn't be found in a rap..

Just because the word beats match doesn't make it a rap-type song. Where are you forming this theory?

I can see that it would be easy to turn into a rap, but that is not the point.

I would appreciate it if you would please stop relating my work to rap music. Thank you.

Ya it seemed like a rap but it wasn't. As a song 6.9/10, as a poem 9/10.

I really don't see how you could mistake if for a rap. O_o Or am I missing something?

It's a really good piece, but, personally I've seen you write alot better. Bits of it don't seem to fit in properly. But all in all it's V.Good. Well done.

This took me less than five mins. to write. It was one of those "OH! Inspiration!" impulsive ideas. Thats probably why its not so good.

Yeah, I was going to say that. You can tell you've had a rush of ideas/inspiration and you've tried to put it all into one. I think that's why it doesn't fit.

That only took you 5 mins? Woah. o_o

Nice song. I liked it. None of my songs ever really rhyme. Anyways...my rating is 8.5/10