"Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."

"Always remember you're unique. Just like everybody else."

"I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."

"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it."

"Why do they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken!"

"Some girls are allowed to be ugly but you abuse that priveledge"

"Anything you say will be held against you. ... "tits""

"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car."

"I'm leaving now to go find myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait."

" The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."

and..

"It's your god. They're your rules. *You* go to hell."

:D Any more quotes?

"I'm not as think as you drunk I am"

"Being in love is like peeing in your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth"

"He who lives by the sword will be shot by those who don't"

"Haven't I seen you somewhere before?"
"Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore"

"It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion in the ocean...but it'll take you forever to get to England in a canoe"



That's all I got for right now...

"At least pants are optional...."

"Did you like...fall out of the ugly tree and hit EVERY branch on the way down?"

Ill put more later...

"He who fights the best dies with the rest."

"There are two things that are infinite, the universe and the stupidity of mankind... but I'm not sure about the universe!" --Einstein.

"Ha! They couldn't shoot an elephant at this dist---" ~ Final words of a Union Colonel in the American Civil War

"Notice: Drop Trousers Here for Best Results" ~ A Dry Cleaner's in Bangkok

and two of my own, "So what you're saying is if I manage to fit a 9-volt battery in a AAA slot I'll be able to take over the world?" and "Remember when somebody makes you mad it takes 43 muscles to frown but only 4 to reach over and b**** slap them."

"THEY'RE DOGS, AND THEY'RE PLAYING POKER!!! AAHHHH!!!"

"Never underestimate the power of underestimation..."

"Dont leave wax lips lying on the dash board when its over 80 in the shade..."

I believe in stupid questions, and one of them is whether or not there is a such thing as stupid questions.

If your brother threatens you with an uber death blast from his toenail and you dont really die, pretend your dead anyway so he doesn't do something worse.

"Be wary of beautiful. They don't always stay beautiful when they open their mouths"

"Gutters are ugly like you, but unlike you, gutters have a purpose"

"Nothing can be 'New and Improved' - if it's new, there was nothing before it, and if it's improved, you took the old one and made it better"

My two favorite-est quotes from "Pirates of the Carribean":
>"If they left no survivors, where did the stories come from?"
>"...and they left him on the island with nothing but a pistol, so he lashed two turtles together and used them as a raft""...then what did he use for rope?"

"If surfers surf and batters bat, what do hammers do?"

"Sit down and drink your goddamn TEA!" - Cid xD

"I would cut off your head, dwarf, if it stood but a bit higher from the ground."

If someone creates something idiot proof, God will create a bigger idiot.

-={I so love that saying}=-

(From One of my personal fave movies)
Gimli: "Its true, that you dont see many dwarf women. In fact their so alike in voice and appearance..that their often mistaken for dwarf men."

Aragorn: "Its the beards"



The famous words of Jack..I mean Captain Jack Sparrow after Will asks where Elizabeth is...."She's safe, just like I promised. And she's off to marry norington just like she promised. And You get to die for her just like you promised. So really we're all men of or word here...except Elizabeth who is, in fact, a woman. (-=


Its all fun and games till someone gets hurts....then its helarious.

Matt: guess what me and peter are gettingyou for chrsitmas
KT: Dare I ask? x.x
Matt: 120 days at a detox center to get you off of PoT
KT: Ah, screw you.

LOL!!! He actually told you that...My God thats funny...XD...HAHAHAHAHA!!! Im sorry...thats just so funny...XD

SO yeah...funny quote...lol...still cant get over that...XD...uhh...lets see...

"[insert funny quote here]" lol...goddamn thats funny...XD

Yeah yeah..laugh it up xD Here's some more:

KT to Matt: You moron.

KT to Matt and Peter: I'M NOT ON POT!

Matt: silleh mango!
KT: Moron!
Matt: ..bitch
KT: xD

Lol this isn't witty but it is funny...actually its hilarious

Jessica Simpson said this (according to my cousin) while holding a can of "Chicken of the Sea" tuna...."Is this chicken or fish that I have?"


Magneto to the stupid police guard on X-men 2, "Never trust a beautiful woman, exspecially one thats interested in you."

HAHAHA!!!

Here's one:

"But I dont want to be Googleheimen..." - Matt after I told him my plan to escape katie once we told her about the 120 stay at the detox centre...lol

omg, you guys suck ;_;

k, these were taken from the digimon movie..still make me crack up everytime I watch it xD

----
(This is when Tai tries calling Matt and TK, then Mimi, but the circuits are busy xD)

Tai: I've gotta warn everyone!

Phone: All circuits are busy, try again later.

Tai: Oh great! It's busy...Mimi!

Phone: All circuits are busy, try again later.

Tai: C'mon, how could that be busy too?

Phone: All circuits are still busy.

Tai: Don't tell me..

Phone: DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME?!

Tai: What?

Phone: It's BUSY!

Tai, in a shocked/distressed tone: I'm sorry lady!
---

(After all that, Tai makes Izzy call Sora's house(Tai doesn't call because Sora's mad at him, etc) because they need her help in fighting the virus digimon on the net. Sora's mom answers the phone.)

Sora's Mom: I'm sorry, Sora's not home, but I'll tell her to call Tai's house as soon as she gets back. Oh wait, she just walked in. Sora, I think Tai wants to talk to you.

Sora: I'm not home!

Sora's Mom: But I just told him you were here.

Sora: Then make something up! I don't care what you tell him!

Sora's Mom: But Sora...I..! I'm sorry, you've got the wrong number. Bye bye. *click*
---

Great stuff xD

Stole these from the rs oracle....

"pie...its great isn't it?"
"nothing like a great fish"
"Is it time to wake up? I do not know"
"If a tree falls down and no one is there, nobody gets wood cutting experience."


Oracles are so wise.

OK, i got this one Off of Allakhazam.com

If youve been naughty, lets hope the santa moogle gets the coal and dark ores mixed up again ^_^

On FFXI dark ores sell for about 500k gil. A LOT!!

D&D quotes!

My friend after finding another bag of holding "So, you're telling me that by putting this bag of holding into that bag of holding I tear a rift in the space, time, contiume thingy and i'll destroy any physical matter within a sphere radius of atleast fourty feet? pfft, i'm going for it!"

Me to him "Put the bag down or i'll be forced to cast fireball then re-animate your corpse simply to beat it to death again and urinate on it!"

The DM "Roll for it."

I laughed..i cried..but mostly I laughed.

"Remember that kid your parents adopted? The one they didn't like?" rofl I'm lovin this phrase..hehe

Officially my fave quote, next to

BTW I am D Smizzle. B)

XD

"Is it just me, or does the inability to run away from an inanimate object make absolutely NO SENSE???"
"Its just you..."

That was taken from Adventurers...a classic online comic series...which reminds me I have to get more of those off of kie or something...

If you can't see the light then your either blind or you need to stop running into that wall.

I've got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

You might be a cunning linguist, but I am a master debater.

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.


My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.


Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.


Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.


"I can beat up the people until the cows come home... and then I can beat up the cows."

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

(pointing at a glass of water) I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

"There are no stupid questions, only stupid people." - Mr Garrison

"Now listen here you mullet. Why don't you light your tampon and blow your box apart because its the only bang your ever gonna gert sweetheart!" - Terrance Stamp

"Government! there's no 'N' in government." - Some idiot who was in my GCSE Geography class, I think his name was Clifford.

More coming soon folks...! :P

buffy

"I'm naming all the stars." -Druscilla
"You can't see the stars, love. That's the ceiling. Also, it's day." -Spike
"I can see them. For I've named them all the same name. And there's terrible confusion." -Druscilla

"Whoa. Whoa, I think I'm having a thought. Yeah, that's a thought." -Xander

(the gang just got out of a real haunted house, and went to a blues bar and they see a old friend of theres singing blues "giles")

~Could we go back to the haunted house, cuz this is creepin' me out. -Xander
Does he do this alot? -Tara
Sure...every day the earth rotates backwards and the sky turns orange. -Xander re: Giles singing at the Espresso Pump

I can't believe Al hasn't posted this one yet..

"I lost my password, can I have yours?"

>< some stupid Runescape kid

Teacher: what is the chemical make up of water?
random person: "HIJKLMNO"
teacher: "Where'd you get that from?"
random person: "you said it was H to O."

I know the person that said this but no one else does hence the "random person". He said this actually happened. He might have been joking.

[17:19] KT: All she's doing is crapping out a carebear.
[17:19] Shaydah: it just
[17:19] Shaydah: pops out of nowhere
[17:19] KT: What's so funny?
[17:19] KT: xD
[17:19] Shaydah: xDD
[17:19] Shaydah: xD!!
[17:19] Shaydah: it pops out of nowhere!

That was in reference to:

http://pictures.greatestjournal.com/userimg/3104909/51057

Do what now?

(If you are asking what this thread is for it is supposed to be for witty and/or funny quotes and sayings. If not then nevermind.)

"Not like Hobnobs, now that's a biscuit for dipping. Hobnobs are like marines, they're the SAS of the biscuit world. Again, again, dunk me again. I'm not not going anywhere. You dunk me or I'll drink the b*****d."

If you've never seen Peter Kay at the Bolton Albert Halls then that's just gone...

*does hand over head action*

but anyway you should watch it, I assure you it's hilarious.

Goddamn spammers...(Yes Im talking to Treya AND Sanosuke)

"WHAT THE FLUFF???" - Me...I was playing some game and died or something and rather than swear, that came out...XD

From some old adventure game thing called Torin's Passage or something, when your looking for a saw for whatever reason..

Guy with a saw: "The only saw I saw was the saw that I saw with"

Torin: "I think we all saw that coming"

"What're you looking for, A GUN?" - Mare
Angela - "No... A DRILL!"

*Drills Mare in the torso*