SSSCCCHHH SCCCHHHHH

The night opens with great explosions and merriment as the ASWF kicks off its long awaited production from Armidale, Australia in a one night only performance. The night has only been Advertised on the sly and only true wrestling insiders have been lucky enough to get tickets to this once-in-a-life time event sponsored by PENFOLD´S HANDLEBAR MOUSTACHE EMPORIUM, The most electrifying company in Sports-Hairmainment today. As well as Peter pumpkin Eaters, prime people for pumpkin pervaying

The crowd waits in wonder, tonights is truly a reinvention of suprise and intrique.

The Drunken Phantoms music hits, he walks out in a birght red suit with sparkling green hair and sits at the announcers table.

DP:¨Ladies and Jelly beans, it is with great displeasure that i declare these games open¨! Please welcome my special guest co-announcer.....richard Dreyfuss!!!!¨

Crowd goes wild....Richard Dreyfuss walks out in the outfit he wore in the third scene of Mr Hollands Opus.

DP & RD kiss passionatly.

DP: I knew you would be a good kisser but on with proceedings! I have no idea who is wrestling first. Play there music!!!

Avators mucis hits, he walks out huffing and puffing and generally looking menacing. A fan throws an apple at him and he catches it in his mouth. He bites the apple in half and seems invigorated. He kicks the broken apple and it land on the lap of local cheese critic, Micky J.

The beefs music hits and he sprints down to the ring, brandishing a meat tray. It seems to be a few chops short.

Avator V The Beef

The Beef rolls into the ring and smacks Avator with a sausage to the face, followed by a t-bone to the ribs.Amazingly, Avator seems impervious to this shelacking. Beef proceeds to unload a flurry of blows with a roll of meat balls that leave front row members, Mr Charisma, Karl Kennedy and Susan Sarandon covered in blood. Recovering quickly from this unslaught of slaughterhouse goods, Avator hoists Beef into the air and flings him into a table display of kindergarden work that has been set up near the ring to showcase the abilities of youngéns. He is deservedly booed. Beef looks edgy now...he rolls into the rings and takes something from his tights...Avator moves in for the kill BUT the Beef strikes him with a tightly wrapped pouch of mince, the referre hasnt seen it....1....2.... OHH! Avator kicks out, he is enraged, he seems like a man posessed by another angry man! He kicks his legs, he snorts, he pulls on his nipples....he runs at the Beef and GORE GORE GORE! Beef is down. Gimly from Lord of the Rings sprints to ring side and throws The Beef some elfen Mithril but its to late... In time to the tears of Gimli , referee Ja-Ja binks counts the 3. A big win for Avator!

Winner:Avator after 11.17 seconds.

DP: Well that was certainly riveting, i´m sure glad i missed AA for this!

RD:I agree, may their monotomous skullduggery be stricken from the annuals of time!

DP:HOORAY!Well, lets see whats next...wait a minute, why is there a giant pumpkin coming from the roof...could it be the worlds first ever....it is.... i´ve just been handed a note...we are to bear witness to wrestlings first ever PUMPKIN CAGE MATCH!!!!!!!

Crowd goes even wilder than before. At ringside, The guy who hosts deal or no deal seems sweatier than ever....

DP:and the combatants are....

Ian G´s music hits, many fans boo his poor fashion, lack of charisma, smell, refusal of suicide and general wrestling abilities.

Trent Bowman´s music hit and he is seen being pushed through the curtains by somebody who quite resembles Johnny Law dressed as an onion.

Ian G V Trent Bowman - World´s first Ever Pumpkin cage Match

They climb into the pumpkin and begin to exchange blows, its quite clear that Bowman has never swam in pumpkin before but Ian G seems quite at home as if the son of a legendary pumpkin pixilator of the prairies. He takes adavtage of Bowmans pumpkins vertigo and slaps on a wrislock. The crowd boos. He follows this up with a sleeperhold. the crowd boos. So follows seventy three moves perfected by wrestlers in 80´s that wanted to slow down a match. Suddenly, from the back, Sir Quincy Penfold runs out and laments ian G´s form for accepting a match where he had to wrestle inside a pumpkin. Ian G tries to climb out of pumpkin to get to SQP3 but is hit in the face by a potato hurled by former angel, jamiroqui. Jamiroquai follows this up with one of his many innovative dance moves that can be seen in any of his fabuolous fim clips (availabe on Yahoo.com)
. The combination of jamiroqui, SQP3 and the potato are too much for Ian G and he quickly succumbs to a drop toe hold which sees his head stuck inside one of the pumpkins many crevices. Bowman clims out quickly for the win. His had is raised by Jamiroqui who was secretly the special guest ring announcer all along.

WINNER:Trent Bowman

DP: well you dont see that every day! Now from a word form our sponsors, not mine of course! All they give is free cookies and coffee! More suprises to follow!!

Shows goes to a commercial with Richard Dreyfuss preforming a budhistic shogun yoga move perfected only by 9 people on Earth.

What...the...fuck...elipses...

Coverage comes back from An adverstisement for vegemite to find an in ring wizard duel bewteen Severus Snape and Minerva McGonnical. Severus darks off into the crowd as Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger and the boy who lived come running down to the ring. Harry Gets on the mic..

HP: Hello to all you muggles! As you know me and my friends are tring to look for the horrocruxs that will be Lord Voldermorts (Ron and Minerva shudder) undoing. If any of you see any of those rascally...DEATH EATERS (crowd boos) then be sure to give me a buzz!

At this point Bumper benny climbs into the ring and calls Hermione a mud-blood and she is visibly upset. Ron kicks him in the balls and turns him into a withering ugly little man (thoughit was difficult to see any difference from his usual appearance i suppose)

DP: HO HO What a merry christmas tis!

Dreyfuss: Tis true, reminds me of a troll i wrestled on the port side of a sinker oil rig.

DP:Thats hot! Now folks, lets see whats next!

Big Petes music hits, he walks out looking like he´s been sleeping in an ash tray sicne the last wrestling ASWF bash.

Brandells music hit and he sprints to ringside and plays to the crowd acting like hes all that and a bag of Doritos.

As the two look set to wrestle it out, the theme song from neighbours hit and the whole cast from Ramsey Street comes tottering down to ring.

Big Pete & Brandell v The Cast of Neighbours

The complete 19 chief characters of the award winning channel 10 show climb up on the apron. The match begins with Susan kennedy and Brandell duking it out. Susan is punishing a sour looking brandell like shes HIS school principal. She levels with a DDT and tags out to Harold who riles up the crowd by pretending to play an imaginary oboe. While hes gallavanting, Big Pete sneaks in and low blows him from behind. Toady whinges to the ref but is rewarded with a slap to the fac for his terrible character dying instead of the lovely blond girl Dee who was sexy and stupid. The match continues as the tension builds with young Boyd looking confused. He screams out and unleashes fury, accidentally smacking the referee with a golden ww2 pocket watch. The cast takes the opportunity to viciously attack the goofy pair. Big Pete is being leg dropped one by one by every character. Karl kennedy pretends to take his pulse and then drops a vicious standing moonsault. Brandell tries to crawl for the ropes but he is wrestled back in by the Skully clan. He is helpless as they deliver a spike piledriver and lynn goes to work shaving his mullet...the HUMILIATION! It is truly a glorious day for the cast of neighbours. Suddenly ¨locomotion¨hits the speakers and out walks Russel Crowe, Kylie minogue, Guy Pierce, jason Donovan and Delta Goodhrem. They climb into the ring and ask to be put back on the show. max says thats impossible and a brawl breaks out and one by one the actors all drop out of the ring except for Delta who is singing a beautiful song about rainbows and cooking popcorn. Suddenly a masked person climbs out of the crowd. Its Flick Skully! She turns Delta around and drops her with a death valley driver. she rolls brandell on top of deltafor the win by a very confused referee!!!

Winners: Big Pete & Brandell at 43:22.

DP:THE INJUSTICE, THE CONTROVERSY, HOW DOES THAT HUMAN SLUG GET TO BE ON DELTA AND I´M STUCK UP HERE DRY AND HIGH!!!there is no god... (shakes his head sadly)

coverage goes to a commercial.

GOLD!

Hurry up Anthony im waiting for more.

The show hits the air again as a commercial for leg warmers starring former ASWF star Ray¨Sabertooth¨Lawrence humiliating himself complaining about his problems with the winter cold.

Dreyfuss and The Drunken Phantom are watching Delta Goodrem be hosed down by Former child star Chris Walker-Bush.

DP:Richard, though i deeply respect and admire your work but give me ASWF for CONTROVERSY, DRAMA AND PLAIN GOOD OLD FASHIONED rasslin´´´´.

RD:Thats true Phantom, why just like i was watching a cuban whistle blower unbinding itself from its cocoon deep into the foothills of the Andes....but it wasnt the same....i just wanted to...hit it...ram it....with a chair!!

DP:Walla walla WOO! OKAY, i have just been handed a note saying that the next match will be a.....stupidest characters ever match! NOT IAN G AGAIN!!

Stupidest characters ever match - guest referee Tony Danza dressed like a nanny.
CJ Bruton v Steamroller V Bone Daddy V The Pebble V Tonto V Chopstick v The Iceman.

In a ground breaking event, we see a wrestling federation admit that its roster is chock block with jobbers that are lame and have no hope of ever winning a major title. The pebble rolls out to the ring first and pretend to eat some rubble. He is soon rushed to hospital. (The Pebble is elminated) Steamroller and Bone daddy come out to the ring together and show us a few of the typical jobber moves....hiptoss, sleeperhold, lots of erotica that grosses out everyone as these two lock up time and time again. CJ Bruton drives down to the ring on a peewee 50 motorbike to mixed response, some people close their eyes, others just grimmace. He puts his bike in the ring and literally runs circles around the two already there. Tonto comes to the ring and carries on his lame mexican character that nobody believes. Steamroller is choking him out with his cheap sombero from K-mart. Chopstick comes to the ring and and quickly tangles up his opponents ith a short display of origami. Stunned, noone notices old Iceman Bergman or whatever his name come in looking like Mr Freeze from Batman. He hits CJ Bruton with a croquet stick that has apparently been dipped in an unflushed toilet, bruton waves his hands and gets back on his peewee and drives out of arena. (CJ Bruton eliminated) Steamroller and Bone dadday are into the crowd now doing lots of headlocks and so on. Tony danza pleads with them to enter the ring but they seem quite happy and are seen shortly after heading tothe movies to watch the chronicles of Narnia. (Eliminated - Steamroller and Bone Daddy) This leaves Iceman, Chopstick and Tonto in the ring fghting to be the new stupidest character in ASWF. Chopstick and Tonto gather in the corner and discuss there weekend, The O.C, possible alternative remedies to poverty in India and then finally to team up on Bergman. Bergman looks shock at this turn of events and reprimands them severly. He turns away in disgust and is conftronted by DJ U-Neek, who looks upset that he has not been invited to this match when he would obviously be the first person most pepole would think would be in this match. The world champ levels Iceman with the turn tables and then does a lame impression of a DJ spinning records to rousing boos from everyone with a brain. Tonto quickly covers him for the pin (Eliminated Iceman). Chopstick hits Tonto from behind with a running moonsault. he covers him but is distracted by what might be a giant spring roll in the third aisle. He goes for a closer look and finds out that its only young Ben Eason-Piggot come to see all his heros wrestle. Chopstick turns back in disgust and is leveled by Tonto with a ddt onto Tony danza shiny right shoe. Tony Danza is out! Chopstick and Tonto are dazed! The Drunken Phantom is screaming at the announcers table! Tonto makes the cover but there is no ref to make the count...THE CONTROVERSY! wait a minute whats this??!!! Los ketchup hits and Senor Ding dong and The Hamburglar hit the ring and start doing the chicken dance. It is the worst moment in wrestling history!! Dreyfuss is crying uncontrollably! Chopstick collapes in disbelief and thankfully Tonto covers him for the pin. Its all over folks!! We apologise profusely for this horrible breach of trust on the parts of us here at ASWF!!

Winner: Tonto at 20:03

DP:Well i think we can safely say that match went for about 20 minutes to long....I was wondering why we hadnt seen those guys in a while! NOW I REMEMBER! Somebody in the ASWF has some splainin´to do Lucy!

RD: (waving his fist at the departing wrestlers):Treacherous Gutter slime, i will see you a prosecuted for your crimes you scum! Or my name is not OSopherous Treebird!!!

DP:Thank you richard! Stupid Euthanasia laws!! Put them down!

We leave the excitement to take another word from our sponsors...

Thats Horible Tonto and Chopstick are great characters and my name is Sir Ben Eason - Piggott. What the fuck how did El Senor Ding Dong come back from the grave are you god or is it like the real story you just think you are.

haha my apologies kind sir! Its like that stupid movie, Son of Senor Ding-Dong, you can never tell with the masks on. Remember, nothing ios ever as it seems in this wrestling business! tonto should justbe happy to be back in the ring picking up a win!gees

btw this rocks
get some more going IMO :lol:

The final commercial of the night ends with a sterling display of intricate special effects and marvel and everybody in attendence is dying for the new Chris Karizma jigsaw puzzle which instead of putting together you take apart, spit on, burn, eat and crap out.

Drunken Phantom: My god! What a night we have experienced, i just went out back and Ian g´s still got his head stuck in that pumpkin! What more could be instore for this FebWARary Extravaganza???

Richard Dreyfuss (hanging upside down from a cable): I couldn´t agree more Julia! Life has no meaning without prisms and from what i´ve just noticed is that we still havnt seen a world title match...

DJ U-Neeks music hits. He walks out and pretends to turn some records on a highly unamused Johnny Law, who has been relegated to bell ringer for tonight because of his horrific facial disformities.

DJ:Who came here tonight to see DJ U-Neek break down the jiggy-wack fonto motion swilly-will on this his-OUSE microphone turn it UP - woooooo!

crowd boos - DJ U´neek pretends to play turnbuckle pads - more boos.

DJ: hmmph! i am the hippest groove cat in the land and yáll just jealous you can´t hang with the Dizziest DJ in the ASWF! I can entertain yáll freaks like the shizzy! Why i----(mic goes dead)

It´s Sean Lawrence!!!!! He has an announcement. He is retiring from wrestling effective immediately unless the ASWF gives him a title shot. He is told he had a title match but now they take it back and he must leave the building in 3 minutes or he won´t get his tricycle back. He turns to leave but DJ Ú-Neek has snuck out and taunts him. Sean lawrence looks torn. His tricycle is the last of the Lawrence family heirlooms..... He looks this way...that way...he....slaps Dj U-Neek!!!

Main Event DJ U-Neek v Sean Lawrence in a world title V Lawrence family tricycle match!!

The match starts off slowly as expected with both wrestlers looking for weaknesses in each others style and finding too many to choose one from. The crowd gets restless and look like charging the ring but a stiff aeroplane from U-Neek raises a weak cheer from someone in the ninth row and the crowd quickly turns on whoever made it. The wrestlers go at it blow for blow, Lawrence nails the champ with a knee to the underarm, the champ retaliates with an elbow to the index finger, Lawrence hits back with a half believable powerslam which somehow turns into a U´neek headlock....the wrestlers seem out of breath and the crowd seem out of beer. U-neek does his pretend DJ spintable impression and is clotheslined outside by Lawrence where he is mothered back to health by The Finishers disquised as Amish turd-farmers. Lawrence is disgusted and does a running plancha over the top but he misses and lands on a star struck andy Dick who does a quick routine. The action moves into the crowd, a bad move by both wrestlers as the crowd quickly attacks them with everything from shoes to handbags to a piece of french bread apparently autographed by jesus.... or perhaps it was george carmont....ANYWAY....the duo scrap their way back into the ring and are entagled in a web of rage. After they manage to wrestle out of the web DJ U-Neek hits Lawrence with a low blow. Lawrence is down and U-Neek is parading around the ring, climbs up the turnbuckles and blows kisses to a mysterious looking woman, possibly a wookie, in the crowd. BUT WAIT, Lawrence has flipped up and pulled off his pants, Ladies and Gentleman, THE MAN IS WEARING A GIANT NAPPY! He didnt feel a thing! He creeps up behind the champ and nows him with a sit down powerbomb!!! The champ is out!!! 1 - 2 - WHAT THE HELL!!! The referee is refusing to make the count, he is distracted by Lawrences huge nappy!! Lawrence has a tantrum! he is ripping up the turnbuckles and kicking Andy Dick over and over and over and over and... out runs SQP3!! He rolls into the ring and slaps Lawrence in the face! Lawrence calms down and thanks SQP3 who quickly carries Andy dick out into the audience. Lawrence stalks U-Neek like a stick stalking a pond! U-Neek stumbles to his feet, lawrence goes for The Lethal Scope! U-neek dives out of the way, he throws some cheese into Lawrences eyes from his shoes, he hits the turntables!! 1 - 2 - NO! Lawrence kicks out! Will this ridiculous match never end??? Please god! Lawrence starts shaking! DJ hits him with everything he has got but Lawrence seems impervious to pain! he throws DJ Uneek to the ropes and drops him with the big foot...and then the leg drop! Lawrence dives on him and the ref goes for the count--1-2-------------------------------------------------------------------3!!!! we have a new champion ladies and gentlemen...and he has a tricycle and a giant nappy!

Winner and New World Heavyweight Champion: Sean ¨Nappy¨Lawrence

DP:Ladies and Gentlemen, we are almost out of time here tonight! What will tomorrow hold for us all! Will DJ get that title back, will tonto keep his new title as stupidest character ever! Who cares! But all the same i´d like to thank you all for joining us on this wonderful show and i´d like to show you how much you all mean to us down here at the ASWF.....Mr music!

The credits roll as Drunken Phantom serenades us with a scratchy but thorough version of New York new York....