hi folks, this is rove reporter rex gigantasaur with spoilers on this weeks various fixtures in the world of ASRL. These results are not yet official!!
Perth Taipans vs. Coffs Harbour Wyrms
This eagerly anticipated affair was pre empted by the annual perth cocnut throwing competition which was won by a young ugly man called micky j. The game was pleasant enough with lots of fancy footwork and moves from new coffs coach ben eason piggott. Not to be overshadowed, Andrew, wearing a kilt performed a jig. Then carlos spencer scored a try and kicked a goal. then jonny wilkinson kicked a field goal.At the end of the game everyone shook hands which i thought was a great message for the youngsters out there.
halftime - o-o
fulltime- coffs 6 defeated perth 1.
Gold Coast Crusade vs. Brisbane Bulls
After a media rugby rage between the coaches, bush and hussey, earleir in the year this match was expected to have plenty of flair. and there was plenty of biffo. Danny buderus bit adrian morley on the nose in the third minute. Then the referee blew his whistle and trent barrett scored a try or something akin to it and it was very exciting. then bush threw his hat on the ground and jumped on it. then it started to snow and shane webcke built a snowman but morley pushed it over and they had a bust up and they were both sent off by the referee who seemed to be quite a grumpy fellow. With these two off the field, gc ran in 48 unanswered points in thefinal 15 minutes.
half time: brissy 6- gc 0.
fulltime: gc 42 brissy 6.
Hawkesbury Mavericks vs. Central Coast Falcons
With nicole kidman in the crowd in a pretty poker dot number, all the guys were out to impress, except brent sherwin, who didnt seem impressed at all. The game got off to a lovely start reminiscent of a russian ballet. Joe roff crossed in the sixteenth minute after a gorgeous piroette that left poor old luke patten mistakinly wielding a corner post. Not to be outdone, Hazem el masril kicked a goal with a scream mask on from the sidleine. Then he did a maltese jig involving a spachelor. in the confusion, joe roff sneaked in for another try. nicole kidman came on to the field at half time and tried to seduce nigel vagana but he was busy discussing the future prospects of south east asia with matt burke and missed out on a great opportunity in my humble opinion. randell gave kidman a meat pie and she rolled her eyes. in the second half, both teams seemed sleepy, perhaps as a result of some kind of alien hypnosis. any hoo brent sherwin scored a try and imanol heradingy whingy scored a field goal and that was that.
half time hawkesbury 10 - ccf 0
fulltime hawkes - 9 def ccf 8
Sydney Oilers vs. Melbourne Executioners
the match was delayed for 47 minutes because roger launched into a long and monotomous speech about the importance of social fabric and the decay of todays youth. he said that from now on the oilers would play in white to signify there purity and righteousness. he then said bumper benny was a tool of ghastly socialist pigs who were ruining his beloved country. then he some tart showed him her tits and he swooned and fainted. jason robinson drove him to the hospital in his new mitsubishi laser which has a five disc cd player i hear. without there coach around, the oilers were on fire playing like it was touch footy with new recruit/hillbilly sonny bill williams crossing thrice. Then something strange happened. Bumper benny gave billy slater a cape and he put it on and became invincible!! needless to say he scored a record breaking 13 tries and saved a small lady who was being mugged outside the stadium.
half time - sydney 12 melbourne 12
full time- melbourne 72 def sydney 12.
Port Moresby Power vs. Adelaide Attitude
Oh god, the two teams with smelly old rugby players. How i loathe them. This game was a joke as the union guys tried to play league. after 22 handling errors in the first three minutes, matt giteau accidentally scored a try. then the crowd threw rotten fruit at the players and coaches. Then jelly climbed into the crowd and was promptly half strangled to death by a granny in a wheelchair. the game was abandoned due to how crap these two teams are.
half time ad 4 pm - 0
final score: match put to sleep.
Wollongong Destructors vs. Central Phoenix
It is often wondered how coach randell can simultaneously attend hawkesbury and central matches. The truth became clear today when randelbot 2000 flipped out. Notcieably irrate after Ian hindmarsh crossed in the 58th minute, randellbot 2000 ran on to the field and started eating grass. when young coach brad of questionable paternity ran onto the field and tried to kick, there was the tell tale "TING" of metal. saddened by this, central captain, steven menzies broke down in tears. in the mean time brett hodgeson ran in a try and that was promptly followed by tries to Lance thompson and roids McDougall (who was particularly twitchy). By the time randell came onto the arenas jumbotron with orders, it was to late and woologong had escaped with the points.
halftime: wd 10 cp 0
fulltime wd 22 defeated cp 10
Capetown Ravens vs. Northern Cannons
for some reason the capetown ravens came prancing out onto the field led by a spiffy looking andrew johns. it had been rumoured in the press that cannons coach davey grey mcelroy had been AWOL from the camp the last week and had jetted off to england to be with his new model girlfriend. The rescue attempts of solomon haumono and anthony mundine had been unsucessful and the cannons would be under the guidance of kermett krockett. Matt rogers proved the difference in the first half as he wedgied micheal withers, allowing george smith with a free run to the line.Not to be out done a spectacular extravaganza of a move from derek gateshead had the crowd gasping as he spun like a top. Then kermitt krockett made his team do the "flying V" move made famous in mighty ducks and his team was penalised for sheparding 20 metres from there own line. johns plopped over the penalty goal and it was half time. the second half was a slug fest with both team grining the hard yards. Eventually the superior pack power showed up and mark o meley dived over and then celebrated with a big mac that krockett gave him. Shortly there after he puked and was sent to the blood bin. great game.
half time: nc 6 - cr 0
fulltime: nc 12 defeated capetown 8.
Surfers Paradise Punks vs. Wellington Cougars
fans showed there appreciation for new coach doug allen by singing micheal bolton hits all through the match. he was notcieably moved. bad boy surfers coach chris maunder was less then impressed and got on the microphone and called them all "dumb cunt faces". the match got underway with emotional action packed minutes. New recruit darren lockyer made the first big impact when he broke 57 tackles in a forrest gump like effort to cross under the posts in the 9th minute. Furiousm foug allen walked on to the field and slapped anthony minichello in the face with his pink satin gloves. This seemed to rev up the kiwi club with Kevin sinifield carrying six players across the line in an incredible show of strength. i think his new years resolution of no sex is working cause then he humped a fans leg. This was really the story of the match with tries to john sitizen and jerry seu seu wrapping up the match as the crowd wooing all with a rednition of "i said i loved you, but i lied, cause this is more then love i feel inside....."
Parramatta Vikings vs. Darwin Cyclones
the last match of the round and probably the most dissapointing, bar the adelaide'port moresby laugh fest. coach pj marshall was going on about fitzy all last night apparently like he was in love with him or something. and i guess fitzy did seem to have a spark in his eyes and some spark in his step. it certainly showed when he scored a 105 metre try off the kick off that included a front flip and lots of ninja-esque moves. then he pretended the footy was a hamburger which i thought was hilarious. His smile didnt last long cause irish sensation ronan o'gara punched him in the face and he went to the blood bin. The joy kept coming for parra with pj marsh darting from dummy half like a pokemon from hell to dive over to the cheers of brett kenny who turned up in a wheel chair with some scotch.
The sceond half saw darwin spring to life. Unfortunately for them, parra seemed to notice and gasnier and lyons pulled off one of there new combo moves that involved a foreign object and swinging each other around like a discus thrower. gasnier managed to launch lyons over the outstretched arms and into score anyway. then te game finished and everyone went home to there lives but they had memorys that i'm sure they will talk about for many years to come.
half time: parra 6 darwin 0
full time: parra 18 defeated darwin 0.
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA someone bored!
Sherwin wasn't impressed not because of Nicole Kidman, but rather because he's injured for three weeks.
Gotta love that Kermitt Krockett Flying V!
Top report.... although how did Hawkesbury lost a point after half-time?
Oh Brother. Where hast thou mind gone? I do like though.
