Match One- Chopstick vs. Mr. Big Shot
Big Shot takes a rana from Chopstick. Springboard dropkick from Chopstick...that looked pretty cool. Springboard dropkick from Chopstick...that looked pretty cool. 1 - 2 - almost a 3. Legsweep. There's probably a Japanese name for that....like Golden Dragon Nuclear Spike....that'll do, i'll call it that from now on. 1 - 2 - kick out. Big Shot blocks a kick from Chopstick. Chopstick gets squashed in the corner with an arm to the face. Mr. Big Shot DDTs Chopstick. Chopstick powers out of a headlock. Spinning bulldog in the corner, Big Shot is down. Chopstick floors Mr. Big Shot...and climbs the turnbuckles. Off the top - Chop Suey, forget about it. 1....2...3! Mr. Big Shot slides to the outside and grabs a chair, then climbs back into the ring. Chopstick turns around...and gets planted with a huge chair shot to the head! He is left down and out on the canvas.
WINNER: Chopstick by pinfall

Match Two- 'Cybersex' Chris Maunder vs. MrCharisma in a Pose Off
The two competitors come out, oiled up and ready to 'pose off'. However, as soon as Maunder gets in the ring, the cage is lowered and MrCharisma launches an attack!

Big kick on Charisma by 'Cybersex' Chris Maunder. 'Cybersex' Chris Maunder launches Charisma into the cage wall. Maunder hits a wicked chop that echoes through the building. Kick by 'Cybersex' Chris Maunder...to the facial regions. Break that nose! Yeah! 'Cybersex' Chris Maunder gets taken down out of nowhere. Mr Charisma hits some punches. Mr Charisma and Maunder climb the cage....but both end up crashing back to the canvas after a struggle! Pick-up into a powerbomb, Maunder hits hard. Maunder counters an avalanche with a raised foot to the face. Back heel kick off the second rope, Charisma goes down. 'Cybersex' Chris Maunder climbs the cage, but gets pulled down by Charisma! 'Cybersex' Chris Maunder has Mr Charisma down on the canvas. Mr Charisma gets locked in the Screen Jizz! Mr Charisma goes limp! 'Cybersex' Chris Maunder and Charisma climb the cage....until Mr Charisma gets knocked off by a right hand! Maunder climbs over the top for the win! Natalie Gruzlewski comes running down the aisle, and gets into the ring! Mr Charisma is ready though, and strikes first! Mr Charisma spins Natalie around. Mr Charisma hits the Twist of Fate! Natalie Gruzlewski has been left down on the canvas. The attempted ambush has backfired.
WINNER: 'Cybersex' Chris Maunder by climbout

Match Three- Sir Quincy Penfold III vs. Shadta for Title Contendership
Sir Quincy Penfold III strikes Shadta. Legsweep. There's probably a Japanese name for that....like Golden Dragon Nuclear Spike....that'll do, i'll call it that from now on. 1 - 2 - no 3 though. Shadta blocks a suplex attempt using the power of gravity. Back elbow connects, Penfold staggers backward. Chop hits Penfold...that was stiffer than a 14 year old at a stripper convention. Bodyslam by Shadta. Shadta gets taken down out of nowhere. Penfold crushes Shadta with a running butt smash...nothing says 'killer move' like driving your ass into someone else's face. Shadta scores with a forearm, sending Penfold down into the corner, squashing the referee. Penfold has pulled something out of his tights! Shadta walks over...and ducks the brass knuckles punch! The knux come off. Shadta floors Sir Quincy Penfold III, and picks up the knuckles himself. Penfold rises...and gets a taste of his own medicine as Shadta uses the knuckles to knock Penfold out. The referee gets up to see Shadta making the cover: 1....2....3! Another referee comes running down the aisle, and points out to the first official that Shadta used an illegal weapon. The referee reverses the decision! Shadta has been disqualified! Shadta offers a handshake to Penfold...and he accepts it! No! Sir Quincy Penfold III levels Shadta with a cheap shot right hand! Sir Quincy Penfold III slams Shadta down. Sir Quincy Penfold III climbs to the top rope and hits the Bionic Elbowdrop! Shadta has been floored after the match.
WINNER: Sir Quincy Penfold by DQ

Match Four: The Randy Man & Huge Hefner vs. PJ Marshal and a Mystery Partner
The crowd is quiet as they expect PJ Marshal to announce that his tag partner will be Reg Reagan, who last week made a shock appearance to berate his former tag partner, Randy Man. Instead the music of resident loser, Redguy, is played- and he hits the ring!

PJ Marshal hits a rolling kick on Randy. Weird kick by PJ on Randy. 1 - 2 - shoulder up. PJ tags out to Redguy. Redguy scoops up Randy. PJ bounces off the ropes and hits a flying Hart Attack clothesline. Hard back suplex on Randy. 1 - 2 - shoulder up. Redguy hits a massive spinning kick to the jaw. Randy pushes out of a Redguy hold. Spear! Redguy is down. Tag to Huge Hefner. Hefner hits a dropkick on Redguy. Messed up second rope splash by Hefner. Redguy gets out the back of a Huge Hefner bodyslam attempt. Redguy tags out to PJ Marshal. Hefner takes a rana from PJ Marshal. DDT from the top rope by PJ Marshal....holy crap, that was sweet. 1 - 2 - 2.999 PJ hits a massive spinning kick to the jaw. Huge Hefner takes the advantage with a punch to the face. Suplex into a front slam from Hefner, who almost dropped PJ Marshal. Reg Reagan comes running down the aisle with a chair! PJ goes to irish whip Huge Hefner into the ropes. Reagan jumps onto the apron with the chair...but Huge Hefner reverses! Collision between Reagan, PJ, and the chair! PJ Marshal staggers back into a roll up! 1...2...3! It's over! Hefner \ Randy remain in the ring, celebrating their victory.
WINNERS: Huge Hefner/Randy Man by pinfall

Match Five: Wizard1o1 vs. Jelly Adams for Title Contendership
Kick from Jelly Adams...to the leg! Oh the humanity! Jelly hits a wicked chop that echoes through the building. Standing kicky thing by Jelly Adams on Wizard. 1 - 2 - no 3 though. Legsweep. There's probably a Japanese name for that....like Golden Dragon Nuclear Spike....that'll do, i'll call it that from now on. 1 - 2 - kick out. Wizard backdrops Jelly Adams out of a piledriver attempt. Wizard1o1 strikes Jelly. 1 - 2 - no 3 though. Wizard crushes Jelly with a running Butt Bomb. Some people would call it a sit-down splash, i prefer the term Butt Bomb. Jelly Adams ducks a Wizard1o1 clothesline. DDT from the top rope by Jelly Adams....holy crap, that was sweet. Jelly Adams floors Wizard near the ropes and makes the pin. Jelly is using the ropes for leverage! The referee hasn't seen it: 1....2....3!! Jelly Adams slides out of the ring to the floor, then turns and leaves through the crowd. He's happy to have the win, and evidently isn't going to hang around for Wizard to get some payback.
WINNER: Jelly Adams by pinfall

(chopstick enters the arena wearing a cheap english styled suit and bearing a microphone)

Chopstick; Well well well my adoring legions. It seems today that i have defeated the Bigshot in the curtain raiser for another show promising to highlight the inadequacies that comes from allowing the homeless and smelly to breed. No big deal really these poor undernourished rubbish heap types dont really count in the real world. I on the other hand have the breeding that means my progeny will have the correct number of digits and be sadly lacking in genetic deficiencies, its so hard to be humble when you are nearly perfect as i am. But i will forgive the bigshot for his accident with the chair out of the goodness of my heart. Im sure that bigshot is just a former furniture removalist who after struggling to earn the meagre offerings that manual labour affords the less fortunate, became confused when his idol, namely me, the almighty Chopstick started attacking him. Silly me, i had assumed that westlers even ones as lowly as the Bigshot here were told what wrestling was. Is it wrong to assume that trailer tra... i mean mobile home owners have witnessed the wonders of television. In my opinion television is the reason these lowly retards, sorry mobile home inhabitants dont get off their asses and use there meagre fortunes to make multi million dollar profits. Mr Walker-Bush could you please educate the poor unfortunates you pit against me what they are up against.

(A commotion starts at the arena entrence. Chopstick turns towards it watches for a second while fiddling with some suspenders he is wearing)

Chopstick; Well Bigshot out of the goodness of my heart and for the tax exemptions that are awarded for doing charitable things for those unable to financially support themselves, i have decided to gift to you the mind numbing opiate the lower classes seem to worship so much. Bring in the TV boys.

(Two men in Harvey Norman shirts wheel a large television box down to the arena next to Chopstick)

Chopstick; So here it is Bigshot a gift to you out of the goodness of my heart, that no doubt will double the value of your carav, i mean home. Ive also taken the liberty of supplying a tape of me beating you. When your old and toothless living off the government in a few years you can tell your twelve fingered offspring about te time you were granted the honour of being humiliated by the legendary Chopstick they will be ever so proud of you.

(With an oops Chopstick kicks over the TV box and the screen is heard to shatter he walks away chuckling to himself)

hear it for the DQ master.

*sigh*
Yes, congratulations Mr DQ master. You looked quite princely and heroic lying there on the canvas after i not only won the match, but also delivered an extra beating out of pure disresepect foryour kind. That look of horror in your eyes moments before i hit the Bionic Elbow spoke volumes. One man with a gun and some bullets can always control a hundred of you monkeys. You scamp, using brass knuckles in a wrestling match? You were running on empty and had the fear of death in you but thats no excuse. Boy Shadfa, like boy Maunder, you have been decimated and proven for what your worth....A bag of mucus., plain and simple.

So now the ASWF wants to give Sir Quincy Penfold III the official title along with his jewel encrusted "unofficial" championship belt? Rumors are abound that my harnessing of the power of the sun and my minions of short, possibly blind albino men have had something to do with the decision making process of this federation.
Perhaps some might suggest that my money may even be paying for Mr Walker-Bush's new moustache implant. Not true, i say! Though i must admit that Bush is on less money then most single mothers and that i'm only one in this federation to be able to finance such a process.

As for this Jelly character, i must admit i have no idea what hes like as a wrestler or a human being. I never watch any matches other then my own. He sounds fat and sticky whatever the case so don't expect to much hand to hand grappling rom yours truly! I abore outside bodily fluids and the stench of cheap whiskey and rotting cabbage that you freaks give off. Oh well, the things i do for a laugh.

SQP3-

can i asked who brought them into the match and tried to use them first.

what did i get a 1.... 2...... 3

before your mum came running down look look illegal weapon! got taught by brett finch have we!

*sigh*
I of unprececedented heritage would never commit a foul in a wrestling match. I simply brought them to the ring because i thought it might be fun to play some cat and mouse in an otherwise easy win for moi. I brought them to the ring because i came to the obvious conclusion that you would not be able to resist the easy way at trying to win a match against the greatest wrestler of all time. I knew that in a last ditch effort to salvage some respectability in a losing cause you would use the illegal object. I wasn't even out. I simply "played dead" (not unlike the dealy funnel web spider) so as to gain the opportrunity of seeing you leap for joy on an unexpected victory, then watch your face fall into a fit of misery and spasmic tics after seeing it all taken it away. Your relief, your title shot and your only ever shot at the epitome of wrestling excellence in the known universe. Unlike a cruel master, i decided to obvious pain and thats when i brought the elbow. Your end result? An unconscious and filthy Shasta and a once again victorious Sir Quincy Penfold III. Be sure to catch him next week when he becomes your oficial ASWF World Heavyweight Champion....
SQP3-
(What is a Brett Finch and how can i kill it?

Yes, i am all thats wonderful in the world. I will be the new official aswf champion. There is neither animal nor human nor transcendent entity that can stop me. I am a paragon of virtue and a symbol for the prosperous. I own this federation and soon everyone will be wearing the token moustache of Sir Quincy Penfold the Third!! Bow before me because i am your master!!! Tremble at my might and power. Ogle at my magnificence (but don't touch). I am class and dignity personified in one marvelous mass of excellence. I bear the tidings of doom for one and all. My next victory will be over that malnourished (yet flabby) simpleton, Jelly. Curses on your head Jelly, CURSES!!!!
SQP3-

i won, but i wanted to have a pose off, damn :( i challenge Mr Charisma again to pose off number 2! for the ASWF Pose off Championship!