Pyros go off as the first show of ASWF Carnage kicks off, and what a week of leadup there's been. As the fans go crazy, CEO Chris Walker-Bush makes his way down to the ring.

CWB: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the first show for the All-Star Wrestling Federation. We've got a big night for you tonight, so let's not waste time with pleasantries.

He sure doesn't, and the show gets underway as Colossus and Chopper Read prepare to dance in the square circle.

** The arena goes balck, "Dont Fence Me In" blasts around the arena as a dark mysterious charactor emerges and walks toward the ring **

Mystery Man: Ladies and gentleman, if i can have a moment of your time... Many of you stand before me questioning yourselves and those around you, who exaclty am i? Some call me an Arsehole, some call me a top bloke... you can call me Uncle Chopper!

Now im here cause theirs some shady charactors about that are runnin around like a protected species, well im here to get under a few skins...

Colossus, you cheeky dog, you'll be the first to fell the power of the psychology of fear...

**Chopper leaves the ring with a smile on his face**

Match One- Chopper Read vs. Colossus
Big clothesline on Chopper. Massive backbreaker, Chopper got planted. 1 - 2 - no 3 though. Colossus misses a clothesline. Chop hits Colossus...that was stiffer than a 14 year old at a stripper convention. Running knee lift from Chopper Read. 1 - 2 - no 3 though. Lariat, apparently Chopper thinks he is Stan Hansen. 1 - 2 - kick out before the 3. Big backdrop on Colossus, executed well. Colossus counters an avalanche with a raised foot to the face. Colossus hits a piledriver on Chopper Read. 1 - 2 - kick out. Powerbomb on Chopper. 1 - 2 - 2.999 Flying shoulder tackle by Colossus sends Chopper to the mat. Chopper takes a headbutt from Colossus. Chopper Read pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Big backdrop on Colossus, executed well. Chopper Read scores with a standing spinebuster. Chopper Read grapples with Colossus, and positions himself so that the referee can't see...and hits a low blow! He rolls up the stunned Colossus: 1....2....3!! What a cheap shot! Colossus offers a handshake to Chopper...and he accepts it! No! Chopper Read levels Colossus with a cheap shot right hand! Chopper Read spins Colossus around. Chopper Read hits the 4-10! Colossus has been floored after the match.
WINNER: Chopper Read by pinfall

COMMERCIAL

*Cybersex Chris is in the back dancing to YMCA when Natalie Gruzlewski comes in dressed in a sexy outfit*

Chris: ITS FUN TO STAY AT THE Y-M-C...oh hey Natalie! Man, this song is good, come and dance with me.

*Natalie starts to dirty dance with Chris*

Chris: That's not how you do the YMCA, Natalie. Don't you know how to do it?

Natalie: Huh? Oh ,forget it.

*Chris continues dancing*

Natalie: I just got news you are facing Sir Quincy Penfold III.

Chris: Oh yes, I heard him talking about me, I must say he dresses very nice and has a fab moustache, but his wrestling ability leaves a lot to be desired. He may have a snazzy suit, he may have his hair cut by a guy named Cecil, he may have top tappin' Gucci shoes but when it comes to the ring, the only tappin he will be doing is when i lock on the screen jizz.

Natalie: Ok, whatever

*Natalie begins to take off a bit of her clothing but Aaron and Trent walk past*

Chris: Hey guys wait up!

*Natalie looks confused as Chris leaves*

'Cybersex' Chris Maunder is trailed to the ring by Natalie Gruzlewski, who looks like she'll be acting as valet for the match.

Match 2- 'Cybersex' Chris Maunder vs. Sir Quincy Penfold III
Sir Quincy Penfold III strikes Maunder. DDT by Sir Quincy Penfold III. 1 - 2 - kick out. Maunder ducks a wild right hand. Legsweep. There's probably a Japanese name for that....like Golden Dragon Nuclear Spike....that'll do, i'll call it that from now on. Penfold walks into a high dropkick from 'Cybersex' Chris Maunder. 'Cybersex' Chris Maunder hits a rolling kick on Penfold. Penfold gets out the back of a 'Cybersex' Chris Maunder bodyslam attempt. I missed what happened for a few minutes as i went to get a beer...i'm going to take an educated guess and say that Bruiser Brody made a stunning return and beat everyone up, then left. I'm sticking with that story until proven wrong. Sir Quincy Penfold III floors 'Cybersex' Chris Maunder...and climbs the turnbuckles. Through the air, Bionic Elbowdrop! 1....2....3. Sir Quincy Penfold III slides to the outside and grabs a chair, then climbs back into the ring. Maunder turns around...and gets planted with a huge chair shot to the head! He is left down and out on the canvas.
WINNER: Sir Quincy Penfold III by pinfall

After the match Natalie Gruzlewski is quick to hit the ring and land a big slap on the cheek of Sir Quincy Penfold III. The Englishman looks taken aback by her assault, but she runs over to check on Maunder before he can react.

COMMERCIAL

Match 3- Marshal Boyd vs. The Randy Man (First Ever Breakdance Match)
Marshal Boyd is first into the ring, but The Randy Man isn't far behind. Both wrestlers have been kind enough to don true break-dancing gear in preparation for their historic clash. Marshal Boyd is first to show the crowd what he has to the tune of 'Rapper's Delight' by the Sugar Hill Gang. His act includes a few of the basics, mixed in with a killer turtle, the always popular six step, and a brilliant suicide finish. The crowd goes wild as The Randy Man looks on with anger. He gets down and tries in vain to emulate Booker T's spinarooni, which earns him heckling from the crowd and from Marshal Boyd. Randy Man gets up and levels Boyd with a stiff forearm, and it looks like the match has just become the real deal. Randy keeps Marshal ducking with a few hard kicks, and then stands him up for a standing suplex, which Marshal manages to reverse into a german suplex of his own. With Randy Man on the ground, Marshal slides out of the ring and grabs a chair from underneath the ring. He slides back into the ring, and as Randy Man stands, blasts him across the face with it. Randy Man collapses back into the ropes, and Marshal takes the chair up top with him. He goes airborne and collects Randy Man across the back of the head with the chair as he comes down. Rolls up his opponent, 1....2.....2.99999 NO! Randy Man somehow manages to get a shoulder up and roll to the floor outside. Marshal plays to the crowd for a while, before going outside to collect Randy Man. Randy halts Marshal with a sneaky blow to the eyes, and then bashes his head against the barrier for good measure. He then rolls Marshal back into the ring and attemps to score a pin, but it doesn’t come off. Frustrated, Randy Man blasts Marshal with the chair a few times, and goes for the cover again. Marshal is in Disneyland. 1-2-3!
WINNER: The Randy Man by pinfall

COMMERCIAL

Jelly Adams is backstage and gets on the mike.
Jelly: I would love mine and Nath’s clash to be a ladder match. You’re my bitch Nathy boy.
*Just as Adams finishes his stirring speech, thewizard1o1 run in belting Adams in the back with a folded up ladder...*

You want your ladder match?...Seeya in the ring ‘Bai’sexual...

*thewizard1o1 continues to walk on his way as the crowd goes wild*
After wizard1o1s cheap shot on Jelly Adams. Adams has this to say

Jelly: Tha wizard and i have been enemies our whole caree but it hasnt ever really got personal but now it is! I swear i will drop that loser he is dead as can be cause im gonna SMACK DA JELLY ON HIM

*Jelly's music starts and then he walks off with a smirk. Two minutes later we found jelly in wizard1o1's locker room tearing it apart quoting your dead wizard your dead.*


"I like da Jelly, He is the best for me,
I like watching him at breakfast and I like it for tea,
a little each day is a good quantity for me.
The quality's high as the name would imply;
it's made with real strength and might that's one good reason why…
I like da Jelly, the greatest to be.

Match 4- Wizard 1o1 vs. Jelly Adams
Wizard1o1 scores with a back heel kick on Jelly. Second rope flying axe handle, Jelly goes down. Jelly pushes out of a Wizard1o1 hold. DDT by Jelly Adams. Wizard walks into a high dropkick from Jelly Adams. Dropkick into the ladder by Jelly, sending it into Wizard. Wizard counters a backdrop with a kick to the face. Flying cross body off the top rope. They both begin to climb the ladder. Once they reach the top, an exchange of punches starts! Wizard grabs Jelly and throws him off into the ropes! His leg gets caught, trapping him. Wizard1o1 grabs the prize for the win.
WINNER: Wizard1o1

COMMERCIAL

Match 5- Chopstick vs. Party Boy
DDT by Party Boy. Chopstick takes a rana from Party Boy. 1 - 2 - shoulder up. Party Boy misses a clothesline. Chopstick hits a massive spinning kick to the jaw. Chopstick hits a dropkick on Party Boy. 1 - 2 - shoulder up. Cool looking suplex on Party Boy. 1 - 2 - 2.999 Legsweep. There's probably a Japanese name for that....like Golden Dragon Nuclear Spike....that'll do, i'll call it that from now on. Party Boy elbows Chopstick in the face to break a hammerlock. Super kick by Party Boy. 1 - 2 - no 3 though. Vicious kick to the teeth from Party Boy. 1 - 2 - kick out before the 3. Party Boy hits a dropkick on Chopstick. Kick from Party Boy...to the leg! Oh the humanity! Party Boy drops an elbow...but misses...HAH. DDT by Chopstick. DDT from the top rope by Chopstick....holy crap, that was sweet. Chopstick has Party Boy down on the canvas and is ascending the corner. Through the air, Chop Suey! 1....2....3.
WINNER: Chopstick by pinfall

COMMERCIAL

Match 6- The Ice vs. Mr. Big Shot
Mr. Big Shot strikes The Ice. Ice takes a vertical suplex. 1 - 2 - no 3 though. Ice backdrops Mr. Big Shot out of a piledriver attempt. Thrown slam by The Ice. Big Shot gets smacked around like a bitch. Rude Awakening on Mr. Big Shot by Ice. Mr. Big Shot, like so many teenage boys, uses a right hand. Except in this case, it's for a punch. Mr. Big Shot DDTs Ice. The Ice falls through the ropes after a hard shot from Big Shot. He seemed to hit his head on the apron on the way down. The referee reaches a ten count, and this one is over.
WINNER: Mr. Big Shot by countout

COMMERCIAL

Bone Daddy comes out to the ring with his entourage of fine ladies.
Daddy: Yo, wassup Newcastle? I hear I’ve been thrown in the ring against some no name by the name of Shadta. Can anyone tell me who he is? (SILENCE) Anyone? (SILENCE). I thought so. Well, I don’t want to ruin the little guy’s night by not rapping about him, so DJ, hit my music.

I’m in the ring tonight against some Kiwi guy
Whose flock of sheep must think he’s pretty fly
But when push comes to shove and all the shit goes down
The Kiwi clown will be laid out on the ground
With my boot in his ass and my fist in his face
The sheep will have nuttin’ better to do than cry in disgrace
And his old lady? Man, that bitch is so fine
I’d hit that lady anyplace, anytime
In fact, right after the match is over and the bell is rung
I might show the old lady just how well I’m hung.
She’s been riding the pony express far too long
I’ll give her a ride on my great King Kong.

Match 7- Bone Daddy vs. Shadta
Flying shoulder tackle by Shadta sends Daddy to the mat. Full nelson on Daddy...i remember when Warlord used to do that. God he sucked. 1 - 2 - kick out. Daddy pushes out of a Shadta hold. Bone Daddy uses a forearm to the face. Bone Daddy with a spinning neckbreaker on Shadta. 1 - 2 - no 3 though. Shadta walks into a slammy shoulder thing. 1 - 2 - kick out before the 3. Back elbow connects, Shadta staggers backward. Daddy drops an elbow...but misses...HAH. Big piledriver on Daddy. 1 - 2 - shoulder up. Death valley driver by Shadta, Bone Daddy got planted hard...that was cool. 1 - 2 - kick out before the 3. Big clothesline on Daddy. Shadta fires off some right and left hands. Daddy blocks a punch. Thrown slam by Bone Daddy. Lariat, apparently Daddy thinks he is Stan Hansen. Shadta slides out and grabs a chair! Daddy goes to climb out of the ring...and takes a chair to the head! The referee has no hesitation in calling for the bell! Disqualification.
WINNER: Bone Daddy by DQ

COMMERCIAL

Match 8- Colonel Kurtz vs. Roger Bossert
Big clothesline on Kurtz. Big piledriver on Kurtz. 1 - 2 - kick out. Kurtz counters a sleeper hold by turning it into a jaw breaker. Colonel Kurtz hits some punches. Amateur-style takedown from Colonel Kurtz. 1 - 2 - shoulder up. Lariat, apparently Kurtz thinks he is Stan Hansen. 1 - 2 - almost a 3. Flying shoulder tackle by Kurtz sends Roger to the mat. Colonel Kurtz misses a big legdrop and lands ASS-FIRST on the mat. Roger Bossert hits a bulldog off the ropes. 1 - 2 - kick out. Powerbomb on Kurtz. 1 - 2 - kick out before the 3. Running knee lift from Roger Bossert. Roger slams Colonel Kurtz. Roger walks into a trip. Kurtz slams Roger Bossert down. Death valley driver by Colonel Kurtz, Roger Bossert got planted hard...that was cool. The two competitors end up in the corner, grappling. The referee tries to break them up, but Kurtz pushes him away. The ref tries again, and this time Roger is the one to shove the referee away...and that prompts a double DQ decision from the referee!
WINNER: Double DQ

COMMERCIAL
For the leadup, go here: http://invisionfree.com/forums/ASRL/index.php?showtopic=3066

Match 9- Huge Hefner vs. MrCharisma
Chop by Hefner on Charisma. Flying cookie sheet shot by Hefner, blasting Charisma. 1 - 2 - kick out. Huge Hefner gets taken down out of nowhere. Hard legsweep by Charisma. 1 - 2 - no 3 though. Huge Hefner gets nailed with a suplex. Face jam onto the table. 1 - 2 - shoulder up. Hefner counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Back heel kick from Hefner on Charisma, missed by miles. 1 - 2 - almost a 3. Mr Charisma takes the advantage with a punch to the face. The referee is out, as he goes down after accidentally getting caught by an elbow to the face. Springboard dropkick from Mr Charisma...that looked pretty cool. Cover, but there's no one to count for Mr Charisma. Big piledriver on Hefner. 1 - 2 - 2.999 Huge Hefner reverses a hip toss. Mr Charisma is in trouble. Playboy Bomb! 1....2....3. Huge Hefner is still in the ring celebrating. Mr Charisma pushes the referee away. Mr Charisma spins Hefner around. Mr Charisma hits the Twist of Fate!
Winner: Huge Hefner by pinfall

Well, that's it folks. The first ever ASWF show has provided a lot of upsets and a lot of big clashes. Tune in next week for more ASWF action.

Quick question. Would you prefer me to write reports (like I did for Randy and Marshal) or for me to just use the printouts from EWR? I'm cool with it, either way.

Im not sure what the EWR is but the reports you had up here were cool and a good laugh. Its up to you though if it takes a lot of time then go for whats easiest.

EWR generated all of the reports except for the one between Marshal and Randy Man.

I was ripped off....

I think you should only write up the important bits, I only skimmed over mine and just saw who won the others, however I read all the promo's.

As I said, I didn't write up any matches except for Randy vs. Marshal. That was only because EWR doesn't have a 'Breakdance Match' option.

*PJ is being escorted out back with manager Amanda in tears as her boyfriend's face has been smashed open by the force of the hits from Randy Man's chair*

*Interviewer Mike Hunt races over to PJ*

Mike: PJ Your in pretty bad shape, what happend out there

PJ: Well can't you see what happend Mike you moron, Randy Man blatantly and illegally took me out with a chair, now if i remeber correctly this wasn't a hardcore match it was a Breakdance Fight

Mike: You certantly did pull off some pretty neat moves

PJ: Of course I did, Im the breakdance king and I won that match fair and square, clearly my moves were better and the ref should of rightly awarded the win to me, but being the tool he is he let the match go on and let me get taken out cheaply, this ref will pay!

Mike: So what do you plan to do

PJ: Well I want Mr Walker Bush to suspend that ref, award the Breakdance match win to me and fine that ass clown Randy Man for taking me out, im gonna have to get plastic surgery cuz of this cheap bastard, look ive still got chair in my head

*Pull metal out, Amanda faints*

Mike: Is there a re-match on the cards?

PJ: Of course there will be and this time i'll make sure he will have no help be that from chairs or anyone, Candy Man or whatever your lame arse name is i challenge you to a one on one hell in a cell match at the next PPV. Thats right me and you mono e mono. This time when your all alone trapped in that cage, i will crush you and you will be begging for mercy. Yet when i hit you with a 5 star flog spalsh off the top of that 15 foot high cage. Bang the lights will be out and i'll be the last man standing

*PJ Storms off with Amanda over his shoulder*

Mike: Wow so there it is, the challenge has been layed down Randy Man to face the show stopper PJ Marshal in a Hell in a Cell match at the next ASWF PPV, I can only imagine the carnage that will follow

*Camera fades to a commercial*

I dont mind the EWR ones either so theyre fine by me.

*Pink Panther Music engulfs the arena, as a thick fogs begins to fill the floor, A large pink spotlight centres down on the ring, It's RANDY MAN!!*

"Ok ladies, Daddy brought home the bacon now he's going to let his sausage out to roam"

*At this stage Randy Man begins to disrobe, revieling a very sexy pink G'string. As he pulls down the robe over his back hair he reveals a picture that has been shaved in..........It's a picture of him and Marshalls match, Randy hitting him with the chair*

"Now no one hits the Randy Man and gets away with it, he wants this Hell in a Cell match, well it better be worth something. I don't want to enter a ring with a dancing freak for free. I turned that Marshall Bitch into a nice sticky gue as I pasted him with that chair, and you know all I could think about people? The sticky gue that I pasted over his mum the night before!"

*Randy man girates and makes a load blow move, laughing to himself for some time*

"I'm outa your league little man you want to fight with the devil, your gonna get burned. Now wear are my bitches"

*At this point the music goes back to the pink panther and a crew of scantly clad women enter and Randy Man preceeds to satisfy them with his sexual prowess, much to the crowds dismay but randy doesn't count. As the corwd begins to leave Randy lets out a......*

"YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH"

shadta is fuming after that underarm incident with the chair.

after shadta went to the aid of the girl on the side of the ring, who needed a chair i picked it up to offer it to her but bone daddy had stuck super glue on the chair and i couldn't get the chair out of my hand, i had to protect myself.

i could have been an aussie, thankifully i am not!

my parents married in aussie and nearly decided to stay in aussie (dad wanted to come home, mum wanted to stay in aussie)

What absolute piffle! Will someone please hand me some detergent to wash the stench of Boy Maunders off my ring attire. Off my ring attire and off that poor chair and was slapped across his furrowed blue collared brow. What a disgrace to the human race and his no doubt hick family with 60 fingers and toes between the eleven of them. Are condoms really that expensive. Why do ugly people even have sex. Its a travesty to Charles Darwins memory that such an obviously weak breed (Maunderers and other stinkbats) havent been decimated by the rich. Poor old Charles would be perplexed!!

Isn't it just like lazy poor people to whinge and moan when "life" deals them a blow like its so hard to make money in mutual bonds and corporate raiding. Stupid people like douglas Allen who crawl in the fetal position in a baby like tantrum every time they lose in life. Why me?Why meeeeeee?What about me? Wheres my bottle of orange juice. Booo hoooo you simpleton, get a real job. Better yet, take that imbecile, Mr Big Shot and get him to run over you in a car softly. With your disheveleed appearance and slurred spech i'm sure the compo will cover your baked bean breakfasts for the next few years until you die early at the meagre age poor people seem to live to. Like anyone believes your mum knows who your dad is anyway.

SQP3-

english please!

"I agree with Sir Quincy, I think there are way too many derelict mutant freaky people in this organisation, take this PJ Marshall, no he is an ecellent example of a freak, If I have to look at his face anymore I think I might vomit, and thats not an image I want to send out to my sexy ladies.

Thats why i have decided that I have been given the grand holy mission of exterminating all of these undesirables from the ASWF. First I'll start with Marshall then this "Douglas" freak. Eww that name just screams freak man. Now someone throw me a beer, who's next to touch my nipple?"

*sigh*
In the most simple way i can express myself: I was trying to tell you your stupid and poor and therefore the scum of the Earth. I made a few comical remarks in regards towards your promiscuous mother and your lazy, give me everything i havn't earnt any of, disposition. Don't worry, theres a million other people just the same draining the economy the rich provide, be they single tarts (can't bring myself to call them "mothers"), drug users (i can't bring myself to call them art students) or your run of the mill orphans (if you don't have parents your not really children are you?) or the disabled(the worst kind of all!). The annulment and depreciation of slavery across the universe has unfortunately disallowed us the opportunity to make some use out of these pointless lives by putting you into the fields. How i long for the days of laughing hold heartily after tying a plough to the back of a wheelchair and kicking a para into the fields.

Therefore i'm suggesting you leave the physicasl strain of wrestling to those of us that no what the strain of providing for a nation means. Being lazy is not an excuse to moan!!! Get out of bed, lift your head high enough so that you can look yourself in the eye in your underutilised mirror. Put on a tie, polish off your shoes and it will be your first step to having something nice to wear. Get a real job, put together a resume, pretend your not a social retard and get back into the world. Until then,
SQP3-