n between rehearsals I donned my tie-dyed hippy shirt, grabbed a crystal ball, smoked a few cones, and played psychic as I made some bold predictions for 2003.

ROUND ONE
The ASRL season kicks off with great fanfare. Unfortunately, a typo in the draw has all the home teams actually playing away- seeing a record low crowd figure of eleven. All eleven were Aboriginal children, attempting to steal the Fairfield Stallions' stash.

ROUND TWO
After Sydney's shock 12-0 loss to Ipswich, Roger announces a 'bold new recruitment scheme' in which he hires Steve Renouf, Martin Offiah, and Craig Greenhill- replacing Matt Utai, Nigel Vagana, and Jason Ryles.

ROUND THREE
Steve Renouf, Martin Offiah, and Craig Greenhill retire. Sydney lost 64-0.

ROUND FOUR
Andrew Johns suffers career ending injury in the NRL. Chris Walker-Bush trades him off to Scott Hardman, and when he is accused of being morally corrupt by Nathan Hoy, he vows revenge.

ROUND FIVE
Trent Barret, Timana Tahu, and Brett Hodgson all killed in a single weekend of horrifying sniper work in the 'real world'. Despite Nathan's objections, Chris retires them all from the ASRL.

ROUND SIX
Another 'lover's tiff'' between Magro and Dave results in Dave adding another chapter to his 'life story of Magro thus far'. Magro seen purchasing a large array of cooking knives from Bi-Lo.

ROUND SEVEN
After North Sydney's emphatic 42-16 win over Central Coast- coach David McElroy and Manly coach Kermit Krockett QC are strangely silent.

ROUND EIGHT
Still no sign of Krockett or McElroy. The SEX Daemon's fold, as it is revealed no one in the alliance has any idea about sex.

ROUND NINE
Magro strangely happy. The Christchurch Carnage win their eighth game in nine attempts. They currently lead the competition.

ROUND TEN
Body of David McElroy found in a ditch. Still no sign of Kermitt. Magro acting suspicious. Roger posts a flame article against his next opponents, Capetown. The response is blunt. 'Get @#%$ Roger, you're dead last'.

ROUND ELEVEN
State of Origin one results in a 16-4 victory to the Maroons. Jelly Adams and Luke Sharpe celebrate in a Brisbane hotel suite, expending an entire stall of disposable enemas. They charge the bill to the ASRL.

ROUND TWELVE
Control of North Sydney and Manly given over to Magro, who merges the clubs and renames them 'Dave is a @#%$'. Magro arrested for the murder of David McElroy. Still no sign of Kermit.

ROUND THIRTEEN
The mid season 'trade window' turns ugly when Chris Walker-Bush stupidly accepts Andrew Johns back. Realising his error, Walker-Bush changes his name to 'John Andrews', and claims he is a rookie.

State of Origin two results in a 42-0 QLD win. Jelly, in a stroke of creativity, dubs the game a 'Maroon-wash'. Chris retires as Origin coach, claiming that Jelly and Nathan are in kahoots.

ROUND FOURTEEN
Rugby League folds in the real world. JD and Andrew laugh at the irony. Their sides embark on the longest losing streaks in ASRL history. Magro released from jail.

ROUND FIFTEEN
NSW, under the control of Anthony Magro, win Origin 3 11-10. In the post match celebrations- Nathan Hoy, Anthony Magro, Jelly Adams, and Luke Sharpe are arrested for 'indecent exposure'. The ram was, thankfully, unharmed.

ROUND SIXTEEN
Christchurch still undefeated. WTF!?

ROUND SEVENTEEN
Roger Bossert talks up his side's match against Canberra as the match of the season despite his side having not won since Round 3. Canberra down Sydney 68-4, and Roger claims he was 'robbed' due to finding a disallowed try in the match report.

ROUND EIGHTEEN
Hawkesbury coach Brian Randell makes the stunning realisation that despite his best intentions, Hawkesbury cannot win, because- in truth- they suck. Jewish bad-boy Guy Robb, original Hawkesbury coach, refuses to comment.

ROUND NINETEEN
The Crown Casino Risk is played. Yet again a @#%$ club wins it, much to the surprise of Chris Walker-Bush, who rigged the entire contest. This time around it is South Queensland defeated New England.

ROUND TWENTY
The inter alliance tri series is cancelled due to SEX's earlier folding and the UAF's inability to decide on a coach. Jelly Adams and Luke Sharpe part ways, and a much talked about and bitter war of words begins.

ROUND TWENTY ONE
Jelly Adams calls Luke's Mum a slut. In spite, Luke starts dating women, and Jelly is silenced.

ROUND TWENTY TWO
Roger lodges for the re-admission of the Broome Warriors, claiming they'll add another level of excellence to the ASRL. Chris obliges, and Broome win 26-10. Roger lodges for Broome's dismissal, which Chris accepts.

ROUND TWENTY THREE
The ASRL embarks on a four month break as Chris begins dating again. He returns after being dumped, and a long serious of bitter diatribes on women begins. Brooke Martin, the only female ASRL player, receives a twenty eight week injury. Chris seems happier.

ROUND TWENTY FOUR
Chris begins dating again, and the ASRL resumes normal operation. Brooke Martin's name is changed to reflect Chris' current girlfriend.

ROUND TWENTY FIVE
Gold Coast miraculously leap from ninth to first in one week, their victory earning them seven competition points. Nathan Hoy again complains.

ROUND TWENTY SIX
Roger Bossert claims season 2003 as a victory for Sydney, despite the club finishing in 20th position. The ASRL Board votes unanimously to create a third division- exclusively for Sydney- so they'll win something.

Wellington are docked forty competition points for 'cap infringements'. When asked to produce proof, Chris Walker-Bush takes a hammer to Nathan Hoy's computer and claims it was possessed by David McElroy's spirit.

FINALS
Gold Coast win the premiership in a thrilling encounter with Cairns, who aren't even in Premier League. Chris quotes the 'Wildcard Grand Final Overtime Clause'. Nathan Hoy retires from the ASRL.

In Division Two, Ipswich are promoted. Chris Maunder says something about 'irony', and Roger is strangely silent.

Chris' relationship with the aforementioned girl ends abruptly when it is revealed 'she' is Magro after severe plastic surgery.
Magro goes missing. Chris admitted to Parkville Psychiatric Ward.

Roger Bossert takes the role of ASRL CEO. The salary cap for Division 'three' is made 10 million. Roger promptly wins it and ascends to Premeir League, where his salary cap remains the same. Despite this, Roger still fails to win.